50 Ways to Leave Your Lover Page #4

Um, well, there's

"Dead Parents Society."

Do you remember the twins...

who hired the Crips

to kill their parents?

And then some stranglers,

but mostly minor ones.

You know, son,

you have a very bad attitude.

Oh, come on, Dad.

Don't get fresh, young lady.

Now, when I was a young man...

my dream was to build

the first U.S. space station.

I got a job at Lockheed...

where I worked sixty-hour weeks

for thirteen years...

to try and reach that dream.

And then one day, it hit me.

I was painting a new wing flap

on an L-1011...

when suddenly I realized...

my dream

was never gonna come true...

because dreams don't mean sh*t.

That's why

they're called "dreams."

They don't ever happen.

They're just figments

of the imagination...

that make people feel bad

about what they do.

So, don't put yourself down

for not fulfilling some dream.

Yeah, but don't you think...

you should be

a little more demanding...

of the men

your daughter brings home?

Well, we trust Val.

If Val likes someone,

we like him, too...

even if they're not

very successful.

Mom.

Roberta and l

keep telling Val...

that someone with

a lot of money and ambition...

is not gonna put in the time

to make as nice a home...

as a fella

with average talents...

someone who's mature enough

to realize...

he's not gonna change the world

one jack sh*t.

Cheers.

Heh.

Oh, thank you, Owen.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I don't know what to do

with Allison.

We were supposed

to go to a movie...

and now she says

she doesn't want to go.

The whole evening's

turning into a f***ing disaster.

You gotta help me out, OK?

All right, all right.

Take her to the new gallery

on Melrose...

and then stop off

for a miso soup at Banzai.

Thank you. So, how's it going...

with your hot little

piece of ass?

Oh, not so good.

Her parents seem to like me...

and she does, too. It just--

You're never leaving.

I knew you'd fag out.

No, there's still some hope.

I'm gonna show her

a side of me...

that no self-respecting woman

from Glendale...

will be able to tolerate.

Is this not great?

Yeah. And $2.17. Who knew?

I love buses. I mean, you know,

in a city full of commuters...

where everybody's

cut off from each other...

I mean,

this is the only place...

we can experience life

with other people.

I mean, look at this.

Nothing brings people together

like a bus.

I never liked buses.

Well, they're not for everybody.

You know, it's true, though.

I mean, when you drive around

in a car all day...

you never get a chance

to look at anything.

But at least in a bus,

you can...

really notice

how beautiful the city can be.

Excuse me?

I mean, especially

on a night like tonight.

You know, it's so clear.

The wind's just blowing away

all that haze and crap...

and you can really see.

It's like the unveiling

of a painting or sculpture.

For some reason,

a stripper comes to mind.

Oh, come on.

The skyline is to die for.

And someday,

it'll probably topple over...

and kill a lot of people,

most likely.

Heh!

Gonna get that? It's OK.

Owen! It's Jack.

The Fairfax meeting

starts in twenty minutes.

We're all still praying for you.

You're still an alcoholic,

and your life is--

OK, take a look at this.

This is what I'm talking about.

You see that building

over there?

What, the Falafel Queen?

No, not the Falafel Queen.

Above it. Look up.

Is that new? I don't think

I've ever seen that before.

Isn't it beautiful?

It is kind of beautiful.

I had a really nice time.

Yeah. Me, too.

Sorry. Heh.

Look, l, um, I just wanted

to say that we're both adults...

and we both know

why we're here--

Zeke! Come on, Zeke! Shh!

Shh, shh, shh! I'm sorry.

No, it's OK.

And we've been through this

with a lot of other people, so--

Zeke! Come on!

Uh, he's--he's an only dog.

-Yeah.

-Sorry.

And, I mean, I think

we both know why we're here--

Just hang on one sec.

Zeke, shush.

Ha ha ha ha! This is a great--

Aww. Oh, I'm sorry.

No, it's fine.

You know, it's a great dog.

Sorry! He's sorry. So sorry.

-Heh. It's OK.

-Ha!

Heh.

Now, as I was saying, um...

Thanks. Call me.

I'd invite you in, but I'm still

feeling a bit vulnerable.

No, it's--

Plus, you smell like

lamb kibble.

-Heh.

-Ha ha!

It's OK. Um...

Good night. Thanks again.

-Thank you. Good night.

- Come on, baby.

Good night. Good night.

OK.

OK? It's not--

Ah, how could you say "It's OK"?

It's not OK. It sucks!

So, did you do her

like you said you would?

No, it was a total failure.

Then why are you

selling your bed?

Because I'm trying

to stay positive.

We've done the parents thing.

Now it's time

to meet the friends.

Owen,

you don't have any friends.

Besides which, she's not dating

your friends. She's dating you.

Come on,

you don't date the person.

You date the package.

Friends,

their family, their job.

I mean, the whole thing

has got to work out.

One of my biggest problems

with Eileen...

is that she hated

all my friends.

She thought you and Rob

were clannish and rude.

What are you doing tonight?

No. I am not gonna be

a b*tch to this girl...

just to make you happy.

Hey, did I say be a b*tch?

Just be you.

F*** a lot of girls on this?

I'm not selling you my mattress.

Why not? 'Cause I'm gay?

No, because you're

sleeping with the woman...

I've always wanted

to have sex with.

Hey, you know what?

I, uh, took her to that gallery

you told me about. She loved it.

So now I'm thinking

I want to buy her something.

I don't know what to get her.

I was thinking maybe a piece

of hot lingerie or something.

They got those nursing bras

in silk.

-You just pop the top and go.

-Please, just stop.

No, seriously. Look,

you gotta help me out here.

Allison and l, uh...

we're having

some sexual issues, OK?

What does she like in bed?

I don't know. Breakfast.

Oh, what? Like guys don't talk

about this sh*t all the time?

She can't keep her hands

off my titties...

but I can't make her come.

There's more to it

than just sex, though.

I mean, women are emotional.

-They--

-Right?

At least, most of them are.

Yes, go buy her something.

That sounds fantastic.

What? Buy her what?

I don't know. A hat. A cap.

Something not white.

A hat. Thank you.

Thank you. OK, uh...

so, what?

A hundred bucks for the bed?

Do you not already have a bed?

I've been living at my parents'.

Now I'm moving out. Here.

Fine.

So, where are you moving to?

Aw, f***!

Heh heh.

I can't believe

you gave Stephanie my room.

Actually, Rob did.

Well, you guys

could've at least told me.

What difference does it make?

You knew someone

was gonna move in.

-Can I ask you something?

-Mm-hmm.

Is this thing with Stephanie

for real?

You know me.

I enjoy being worshipped.

But she's moving in.

Across the hall.

We're just getting...

the sex part out of the way

so we can be housemates.

Yeah, but you never got the sex

out of the way with me.

You wouldn't even let me see

your boobies on a French beach.

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