50 Ways to Leave Your Lover Page #5

Have you even

stopped to think...

about what's gonna happen to me

when you're gone?

You are leaving

an enormous hole in my life...

and at the moment,

I'm filling it with Stephanie.

-Ha ha ha.

-Anyway...

it turns out we have more

in common than I thought.

She likes galleries,

cheap Japanese restaurants...

just like you and me.

Well, I'm glad it's working out.

-Hey, Owen.

-Hey, Owen, how you doin'?

-Who the hell is that?

-Some friends from AA.

Hi! How are you guys doin'?

Great!

Aren't we moving

a little fast here?

No, it only seems that way

because we're on Fairfax...

and everybody else

is using a walker.

Heh. No, but, I mean...

isn't it a little early

for me to meet your friends?

I mean, I usually don't

introduce a guy to my friends...

till I'm pretty sure

how things are gonna go.

Oh, I'm pretty sure

how things are gonna go.

So, then Adam and Sue say, "Are

you going to Rick's wedding?"

And I say, "What wedding?"

And they look at me

like I'm a turkey...

who doesn't know

it's Thanksgiving.

When are you gonna get over

this whole Rick thing?

I mean, you can't blame

Adam, too...

because Rick didn't tell you

he was getting married.

-Who are Adam and Sue again?

-Do you know Neil Lobenthal?

Um...no.

Neil was a friend

of mine and Rob's.

He lived with Adam and Sue

in college...

and introduced Allison to Rick,

her old boyfriend.

I just can't believe

I'm not invited.

All my Stanford friends

are gonna be there. It sucks.

-Are we back on Rick again?

-Apparently so.

Wait a second. You went to

Stanford? When did you graduate?

'97. I mean, here's the thing.

Even though I wouldn't go,

I'd like to be invited.

I was '96.

I mean, you broke up with Rick

seven years ago.

Exactly. Move on.

I have moved on,

but I just come back for visits.

This isn't Rick Labutier

by any chance, is it?

No, it's just some freak

that Allison went out with.

-You know Rick?

-Yeah. Heh.

Yeah, we dated junior year.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God. Ha ha ha!

You're not the girl

that he, um, proposed to...

at his parents' Christmas party,

and you said no?

Yeah, because he was screwing...

some stupid little groupie

from his band.

-That would be me.

-Oh.

Yeah. I'm not a big fan

of yours, either.

You know, l, um, I always

wanted to meet you...

so I could look you

in the eye and...

thank you for saving me

from such a huge jerk.

Oh, my God. Wasn't he?

Wasn't he?

I mean, him and his stupid van!

-Oh, I hated that van!

-And his mother?

OK, can you imagine spending

every Christmas with that mother?

OK, do you remember

that thing on his--

Oh' you mean the--

The--the what?

What on his thing?

Wait a second, wait a second.

Did you know

that friend of his--Dan?

Do you remember Dan? He was

always trying to jump my bones.

Oh, God! Me, too!

As a matter of fact,

he did jump my bones.

Oh, my God. You slept with Dan?

Oh, my God! Ha ha!

Wait, Dan who?

Dan Monahan, or--

I always wanted

to sleep with Dan...

but I was just kind of

too chicken to do it.

Who the hell's Dan?

OK, you can stop wondering.

I'm gonna tell you.

Oh, my God. Will you really?

Excuse me. OK, start

from the beginning now.

Unbelievable.

Allison actually likes her.

She does have a hell of a rack.

When you go,

could I get her number?

Would that be possible?

I really liked your friends.

Yeah, they liked you a lot, too.

Of course, they were mentally

raping you the entire meal.

Heh.

Whoa. Heh. I really wasn't

expecting anything like this.

-Were you?

-Definitely not.

Ha!

I keep waiting for the catch.

The catch?

Yeah, you know, like,

you're really a robot...

or you have three balls

or something.

Well, negative to both...

but please

don't take my word for it.

Ha ha! Seriously. I, um...

I really feel like

this could go somewhere.

Inside would be nice.

Heh.

Look, I mean, the thing is...

I just--I just came off

a really bad breakup, you know?

And I wasn't really looking

for another relationship.

Perfect.

Until the last couple of days.

I guess I just think we should

take things slow, you know?

Otherwise, it's just gonna be

one of those rebound flings...

that just go down in flames,

do you know what I mean?

Yes, I totally agree.

Right. Mm...mm...

what I'm saying is--

Hey, hey, hey!

I say I want to take things

slow, and you grab my ass?

I was disagreeing with you.

Well, thank you.

I appreciate your enthusiasm...

but I'm not ready.

I want to wait.

Why? Why is waiting a good idea

when it comes to men and women?

Because when it comes to

everything else, waiting stinks.

I mean, my whole life,

I've been waiting...

for things that never came--

Santa Claus,

the Police reunion tour...

the right time to quit my job...

phone calls from friends

when my dad died.

Waiting is death, and I'm

just not gonna do it anymore.

Well, then maybe

you should move on...

'cause I don't think

this is gonna work.

Ahh! Sh*t!

Ah! Come on!

Hey. Dude, come here.

Sorry, I'm not in the mood

for a cuddle.

Look, she loved the hat.

Came like a freight train.

What now?

She wants to go away somewhere.

Do you know any nice walks?

Rock Springs Ranch.

Out past Yucca Valley.

It's in the desert,

but it's got a nice breeze...

Iike you're in Cascais.

Hi.

You want a waffle?

Uhh.

Shouldn't you be, uh,

having sex right now?

Actually, I think

I'd be on to the cigarette...

or the embarrassing silence

by this point.

Hmm. What happened?

You know...

she's not ready, take time,

wants to make it special.

Too bad.

She seemed like she was OK.

Yeah. For a minute there,

I thought I met someone...

who could make it

all good again.

Wow. One of those.

When was the last time

you met someone like that?

Been a while. You?

Ah. I don't think

they really exist.

Good night.

Good night.

Yeah, well, maybe it's just as

well you're getting out of town.

I mean,

wait till you see the e-mail...

that Grant and Nancy sent me.

What e-mail?

Check out that ass.

Well, does it look fat

or anything?

Well, I mean, you could've

shaved for the occasion.

Well, f***, how many people

did they send this to?

A few friends. It--

OK, everybody we know.

Aw, cheer up. Want some "X"

For the plane ride?

I don't need it anymore,

now that I'm in a relationship.

Waah-ha-hoo! You are doing it.

-Yes!

-You are really leaving.

Yeah, four days, nine

ex-friends, and one job later...

I'm getting out.

Yes, you are. Yes!

Damn it!

Hey, come out and meet me

at the Venice meeting.

You can probably get here in

time for the serenity prayer.

God, Goddess, Grace...

Prayer Father, Holy Mother,

Source Energy.

-All right, where were we?

-You were doing it.

Right. Right!

Thy will, not mine, be done.

No, my will, not thine.

I'm getting out.

You're doing it, man!

You're doing it!

F*** you, city!

You can suck on it!

-Yeah!

-Suck on it!

Yeah!

I'm not coming back.

You can go f*** yourself,

you big dickwad.

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes