50 Ways to Leave Your Lover Page #6

-Owen?

-Val?

-Hi.

-Hi.

I'm sorry. Are you

in the middle of something?

Um, well, actually, at the end.

Well, I was just calling...

because I was thinking about

what you said last night...

and, um...

how we're not supposed

to go through life waiting.

You know what?

Don't give that another thought.

Obviously, I was drunk,

and I was horny...

and I was groveling

at the chance...

to do filthy,

shameful things to you.

Fortunately,

you--you saw through...

my sad little diatribe,

and you sent me packing.

No, actually, I was calling

to say you were right.

No.

No?

-No way, no way. That's great.

-What?

Just one question--

why would you think that?

Well, I've just been doing

a lot of thinking about it...

about Max and how

that never went anywhere.

And I just--I really like you.

Oh.

Are you free tonight?

Sure.

OK, I'll pick you up at 7::00.

OK, bye.

Don't tell me. U-turn?

Well, if living here doesn't get

you depressed, nothing will.

I'm sorry, but that goddamned

f***ing phone call...

just made me feel so happy.

I hate this!

You done?

Face it--you're gonna be here

for a while.

No. No, no, no.

Look, you put this relationship

on the fast track.

You met the parents, introduced

her to your friends...

insisted that she have sex

with you almost immediately...

and for some reason

she still likes you.

What else do you need to know?

That I can trust her.

Oh, right.

Well, then I suggest you get

your ass back to the house...

eat some sh*t with your friends,

and get your job back...

because that, my darling,

is going to take time.

I--I just need one more day. I--

What are you going to do,

hook her up to a lie detector?

Rory Riseman's having a party.

I'm going to take her.

Rory Riseman

is a drunken venal creep.

I thought you slept with him.

Well, he gets me hot.

See? Exactly. I mean...

he's hit on every girl

I've ever dated here.

So what? He tries

to sleep with everybody.

I don't hate him for trying.

I hate him for succeeding.

Dude,

what the hell are you doing?

I can see you.

Val's coming over...

and she doesn't know

I don't live here anymore.

Look' man' phone call.

Get the rest of your sh*t

out of here.

-Hello?

-Shakespeare?

Bucky,

what the f*** do you want?

I drink

seven cups of coffee a day.

I sit at my desk

and put commas in.

I take commas out.

Writing is very, very hard.

You want the truth, Shakespeare?

I'll tell you the truth.

I need money.

It seems that I took a shine...

to a lovely young lady

sometime back--

a professional, if you will.

She was costing me

eight grand a month.

I went through everything,

and then she left me.

You're kidding me. A hooker

only loved you for your money?

Shakespeare,

you're--you're delightful.

My wife doesn't have a clue.

I--I remortgaged my house.

Now I owe people--big people.

They want the book.

Hey!

They will f*** you up.

Well, they better hurry, because

I don't even live here anymore.

Extra, extra, read all about it

-Wow, this is nice.

-Yeah.

Dave? Dave, it's me, Lucy.

Dave, it's so good to see you.

Hey, F*** face,

what are you doing here?

You know, I always wanted

to call you that...

F*** face.

F*** face, F*** face!

OK, tell me you didn't

sleep with her.

Even I couldn't get that drunk.

Oh, sh*t.

Oh, my God.

Dude! Nice butt.

Rory.

Come on, man. You're famous now.

-Oh!

-At least your ass is, huh?

Wait a minute.

That--that's you up there?

I really don't see

a resemblance. Do you?

Oh ho ho!

We were at this terrible

wedding years ago.

He gets drunk. Does the caterer

in the video arbor...

only the tape's running.

The next morning,

bride and groom are watching...

their little treasured

wedding memories on video...

when suddenly his hairy ass

comes on-screen...

just a-humpin' away.

Ha ha. Oh, my God.

That is you. Wow.

Well, I've toned a lot

since then. I--in my opinion.

I'm Rory, by the way.

-Oh.

-Oh.

-Hi, I'm Val.

-Sorry.

God, you look familiar

or something.

Oh, yeah.

Maybe this will jog your memory.

Coming up, we got Gin Blossoms,

Box, Blind Melon, Silverchair.

Plus, the new video from Belly

and an exclusive extra--

Kennedy interviews

the guys in Candlebox.

Oh, my God. You're Rory,

who used to be on MTV.

-Yeah, yeah.

-Wow.

Oh, man, I love doing that

to people, man.

Ask him about

the shampoo commercial.

His hair is apparently amazing.

Well, actually,

I just finished a novel.

Oh.

About the rise and fall of a VJ.

Well, Kelly Ripa

has a book club.

Actually,

I just sold it to Random House.

What?

Dude,

that's what the party's for.

Are you smoking crack right now?

Come on, man.

Congratulations.

That's fantastic.

Thank you. Thank you very much.

You know, actually, I got

some advance copies downstairs.

F*** it. I'll sign one for you

if you want.

Sure. Thanks. Great.

-Right on.

-Come on.

F*** it. I--sorry. Really,

I'm OK. Let's just go home.

Would you stop being like

an idiot? He's your friend, OK?

Let's just go home. It's fine.

-Ohh. Just two minutes, OK?

-I'm fine. Thank you.

Here you go.

Oh, my God.

That was another earthquake.

Did you feel that?

Did you feel that earthquake?

We just had an earthquake.

I haven't felt anything

since Tuesday.

It's not a tremor.

That is an earthquake.

It's just like the one that

they had here last week.

Look, I'm just trying

to make some points.

I'm not myself tonight.

-Oh, God!

-Did you feel that?

-Yes, I felt that.

-OK.

OK, now, that was for real.

I was not making that one up.

OK, that was--that was

not my imagination.

-I know.

-OK, OK.

All right. OK.

We're having an earthquake.

I think the--look.

-Oh, God.

-Did you feel that?

-I felt it. I felt it.

-He felt it. He felt it, too!

We're going to die!

This is an earthquake!

-This is an earthquake?

-What?

We're going to die!

Let's get out of here!

Ha ha ha!

Come back here! Sissy dude,

I paid you two grand, man.

Get your ass back in there. Cut

that sh*t.

Come on. Hey. No, no, no.

No. Come on.

-Ow! Stop pushing!

-Ow, my foot!

Forget it! Leave it!

There you are. I've been

looking all over for you.

I knew this night

was going to end badly.

What--what do you mean?

How was your book signing?

Was it totally awesome?

Are you mad at me?

I was just trying to make

an effort with your friend.

I know. Rory's amazing.

He's really incredible.

It only took him twenty minutes

to get your number.

My--what are you talking about?

I didn't give him my number.

Val, I saw you.

Are you kidding me?

Just so you know, it wasn't

my number--it was my shrink's.

The guy's a mess.

And you know what else?

I didn't even want

to come here, you know?

I thought

we might go out to dinner...

the two of us--you know, talk?

But, no, you drag me

to this lame party...

where I don't know anyone.

I don't see you,

and I spend my night...

smiling and nodding

to some ex-VJ with manorexia.

And you're down here

convincing yourself...

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