50 Ways to Leave Your Lover Page #7

that I'm cheating on you?

I mean, are we even dating?

Wait, where are you going?

I'm going home. Take the bus.

You like the bus.

No matter what you do

I've given up on you

No matter what you say

I'm leaving you today

Hey.

Can we talk?

You got a fax.

Dear Mr. McCabe, I am sorry

I cannot honor your request...

to work from Los Angeles.

You must make a choice.

Like the atom,

a man split in two parts...

unleashes uncontrollable chaos

and deconstruction.

The man does make a good point.

There's only one problem.

Val passed the Rory test.

She chose you over Rory?

I know. I was shocked.

I thought

that was what you wanted.

No. I wanted her to be

some shallow selfless nut...

I could walk away from

without any guilt...

and of course

she turned out to be...

some beautiful, charming,

loyal woman. Why?

You know, I'll still respect you

if you decide to stay.

Yeah,

but me and all your friends...

we'll just think

you're a big p*ssy.

I mean, there's just

a few more things...

I need to know, and I just--

What?

You've done the Rory test...

the parents test,

the best friends test.

What other tests are there?

Sex.

I mean, not to mention...

the "can I spend a weekend

alone with this person" test.

Of course,

that's all contingent...

on her passing

the forgiveness test...

because right now she hates me.

Well, talk about plans

for the weekend.

I mean, I'm supposed

to go with her...

to some animal rights thing

tonight...

only she's not calling me back.

So, what are you going to do?

Go anyway. I mean,

if we click back on...

I'll invite her

to spend a weekend with me...

at Rock Springs Ranch.

It's this place

out in the desert...

but it's got a breeze

like you're in Cascais.

And by Sunday,

hopefully, I'll know.

Rock Springs Ranch--isn't that

where you wanted to go?

Uh, no, I don't think so.

Yeah, no, I remember.

You described it the exact

same way, like Cascais.

Well, maybe I heard it

from Stephanie. I--

You've been to Cascais, yeah?

-Stephanie?

-What?

Have you been to Cascais?

-Uh-huh. Yeah.

-Oh. When?

Uh, the--the bike trip

I took to France.

Well, that's funny.

Cascais is in Portugal.

Fine. It was Owen's idea.

Listen, I was just

trying to give her...

some pointers

on what you're into. It--

Oh, really? Like you would know.

Hey, thanks to me...

your one week anniversary

present was that hat...

and not an autographed

Raiders helmet.

Oh, f*** you.

Great. This is great.

So, um, it was all you--

the trip, the gallery, the hat.

This whole relationship

is a lie.

No. I like you.

Owen was helping me.

I'm sorry. It...

I mean, you were

one of the only reasons...

I was staying in L.A...

and I knew that if

you were with someone else...

I wouldn't be able

to stick around and watch that.

Well, I guess you were wrong.

You never even left

the area code.

-Wait, I can explain.

-l--l...

Allison!

Well, a gift of just $2,000...

will provide an operating room

for spaying and neutering...

so anything you could give

would be wonderful.

Well, we did want to do

something...

-to commemorate Ronnie.

-Oh.

He bit a three-year-old

in the face--really did a job.

-He didn't mean it.

udge made us put him down.

Well, maybe--maybe you'd like...

to buy a commemorative plaque

for Ronnie in our new building.

I think Ronnie--

Excuse me for one moment.

What are you doing here?

Look, I wanted to say that

I was sorry about last night.

OK, Owen,

I can't do this right now.

I have two hours

to raise twenty grand, OK?

Can you just go, please?

Look, I want to be here for you.

Hey, what the hell

are you doing here?

Oh, Mr. Brandt, hi!

Welcome. Nice to see you.

-You know this guy?

-Um...

I was about to make a donation.

What about you?

Oh, I'd be happy

to contribute...

as soon as this little prick

finishes my friggin' book.

-Excuse me?

-What about five hundred bucks?

Five hundred bucks?

Screw that, mister.

I've got bigger worries than

Chihuahuas f***ing in east L.A.

Besides, I'm not contributing

that's got your name

on its guest list.

Get me my goddamn pages.

What was that about?

Actually, no. You know what?

I don't want to know.

I saw the cutest little puppy...

at that adoption center

on Laurel Canyon--

Bucky. Oh, Mrs. Brandt,

it's really nice to see you.

Listen, you forgot to sign

your pledge card.

It's $2,000.

It's, uh, very generous.

-Excuse us.

-Ha ha.

You little runt.

Go shove this pledge

up your girlfriend's ass.

It's still a lot cheaper

than what your wife would cost.

I'm sure her version

of Christmas, 1974...

is a little different

from yours.

I think the journal entry

went something like...

"When everyone was singing

Joy to the World...

"l was banging Suzie Shapiro

on my workbench.

"She was an oversexed

little hottie of a J.A.P...

and why she was dating my son

I'll never know."

Hey, mister, you signed

a confidentiality agreement.

I will sue your ass.

I got news for you, Bucky--

you can't touch me.

You can't lean on my friends,

because I don't have any.

You can't stake out my house,

because I don't live anywhere.

You can't f*** my career,

because I already did.

You can't call my cell phone,

because I don't have one...

and you can't bring me down,

because I've already jumped.

And the only question left is...

do I bring you

down with me or not?

No. Please. Look, I can go

a couple of hundred bucks...

but that's it.

I am cleaned out.

Well, you better get

your friends out there...

to start writing checks.

You got till dessert.

I was thinking

about all the dogs...

that have been gassed in L.A.

over the years...

and it occurred to me that

we're all kind of stray dogs...

on this lonely planet.

So, I'm asking you to join me

in showing our love...

not only for

these poor homeless mutts...

but for each other.

Please, give generously.

I know I will.

Is the bar still open?

-Do you have a valet ticket?

-We'd better get going, honey.

My throat's dry. I want to go.

A candy-colored clown

they call the sandman

Tiptoes to my room

every night

Just to sprinkle stardust

and to whisper

"Go to sleep,

everything is all right"

I close my eyes

Then I drift away

& lnto the magic night &

& I softly say &

& A silent prayer &

& Like dreamers do &

& Then I fall asleep to dream &

& My dreams of you... &

-Hi.

-Hey.

Look, I don't know

what you said to Bucky Brandt...

but whatever it was, it worked.

I mean, I didn't even think...

anybody was listening

to the guy...

and now I'm $4,000 over my goal,

so...thank you.

You saved me.

I'm just happy it worked out.

Do you want to dance?

Yeah. Love to. Heh.

& Only in dreams &

& In beautiful dreams &

-Heh.

-Heh.

Do you do this professionally?

I do. I'm a professional

circus freak makeup artist.

-Ha ha.

-Ha ha ha!

Mmm. I just need

a little more right here.

Ha ha ha!

Oh, God, I think that the, um...

the water is not cold enough

to make Jell-o. Ha ha ha ha!

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