50 Ways to Leave Your Lover Page #8

-lt was an inspired idea.

-Thank you.

-Here, you want that?

-Ah! Ow! Ow!

-Wait, wait, wait.

-Sh*t!

-Use that.

-Ow.

Ha ha ha! Wait, I don't know--

-Ha ha ha.

-Ha ha ha!

You...come here.

Mm. Mmm.

OK.

-Want that now?

-Mm-hmm.

All right.

-Heh.

-Ha ha ha ha!

Hi.

Isn't sex great?

Yeah. I was

a little worried, though...

because usually,

if you're with somebody...

who's funny and caring and nice,

the sex is gonna be...

-Really shitty.

-Pretty terrible.

Ha ha ha ha!

Listen, there's something

I always wanted to tell you.

Yeah?

-No. Come here.

-What?

Come here. Let's just

go back to where we were.

Wait, wait, wait.

-Mm-mmm.

-Mmm.

-Uh-huh.

-Mm-mmm.

Wait a minute. Ha ha ha! Wait.

I want to hear

what you were gonna tell me.

What was it?

OK, what if I say it first?

Come here.

I love you.

Oh. OK. Heh.

I love you, too.

Hello?

Hey, it's me.

Um, we really need to talk,

so can you come over?

OK.

I'll be back around 6:00.

-Having fun with Val?

-Yeah.

Bye.

Mmm.

-Thank you.

-Good night.

-I'm gonna call...you...Iater.

-OK. Ha ha ha!

OK, bye.

Hey, Val.

Eileen! Oh, my God. How are you?

I'm great.

Um, I hope I'm not too late.

The drive from Laurel Canyon

was just terrible.

Heh. Late...for what?

Um...

Heh.

Allison. Allison?

What the hell is this?

Don't get mad. We're here

because we want to help you.

I'm sorry.

I thought I made myself clear...

when I said, "Go f*** yourself."

Hey, hey, hey, hey.

It's not just Jack.

We're all here

at this intervention...

because we're worried.

Intervention? What, like--

like I'm some drug addict?

No, no, no. That's not it.

We did an intervention

for my mom...

when she tried to kill herself.

Joan,

your mother did kill herself.

Eventually...yes.

And thank you for

bringing that up, Mr. Shithead!

Oh, God!

Joan, Joan--see?

This is exactly

what we're talking about.

-You're out of control.

-You're crying out for help!

-You're over the edge.

-You used to be so pleasant.

You're such an a**hole.

Jesus. What the hell

are you doing here?

Oh, you're dating

one of my friends...

and you don't even have

the balls to tell me about it?

-Owen?

-Val.

-What's going on here?

-Listen--

Owen's friends and l

called for an intervention.

What?

He's pissed on all his friends.

He needs help.

We just wanted to talk to him

before he leaves.

Leaves? You're leaving?

Face it, Owen. You're not

gonna have a support group...

when you're at Breighton.

Breighton?

What--what is he talking about?

You didn't even tell her?

-Tell me what?

-Listen, l--

Uh...I got offered a job.

Oh, you are a wee little man.

A what?

What are you even doing here?

She's a friend.

And she loves you.

Listen,

will you get out of my house?

Dude, it's not your house.

You don't live here.

Great. You don't even live here.

No, I do.

Would you listen to me?

Just forget it, Owen...

if that really is your name.

Is there any--wait!

Wait. Can you wait a second?

Can I at least explain

my side of it?

You knew I was coming off

a bad relationship.

I don't--how could you

just lie to me?

Listen, I needed to find out

if it was real or not.

I mean, they say that it takes

three months of dating...

before a person reveals

their worst qualities.

Well, I didn't have

three months...

so I showed you all

my worst qualities in a week.

So, all this time, you've been

trying to test this?

No, not test it, tank it.

But even I can't screw this up.

Wow.

I don't want to lose you.

You--you--

Come to Jersey with me.

If you have so much faith in us,

why don't you stay?

Because I can't go back

in there, all right?

My life here is over.

It was all a big lie...

so I burned it to the ground...

and the only thing

that I have left...

is this tiny shard

of self-respect...

and if I don't get out of here,

then I'm gonna lose that, too.

I think you already have.

I... &

Hey, Holmes.

-Come here.

-Ohh!

Ohh...

Oh. Ohh.

Uhh.

Ohh.

Hi. You got to help me out.

These guys really want

their goddamn money.

I tried writing

the ending myself.

Could you just take a look

at pages 188 to 301?

Chapter twenty-two

is a f***in' snore.

Ohh.

& We &

Ohh.

& Walked for hours &

& It seems she didn't like &

& That day &

& So we paint the picture gray &

& I don't want truth'

I just want her &

& The chance has come &

& The chance has come &

Professor, at last. It's really

an honor to see you again.

Welcome, my friend.

I see you finally made it, huh?

But not without

a good L.A. beating, huh?

Now, are you actually

from Los Angeles?

Um, no. The east coast, but

I moved there seven years ago.

I thought it might be

a good place to write.

So did

Faulkner, Huxley, and Didion.

They left bitter,

creatively impotent.

Well, at least

it was creatively.

Do you miss it?

Um, it was fun while it lasted.

Yeah, you sleep with L.A.

You don't marry her.

Well, he didn't, did he?

Hi.

For Stephanie, press star two.

For Allison,

leave a message after the beep.

Idiot.

I really enjoyed

the first three chapters.

They are funny,

but also disturbing and violent.

Now, an intro. Uh...

Where's my Nana?

I don't know. For some reason,

she wasn't mentioned...

in the U.N. summit address.

Oh, forget summit.

Here, we'll put a story about

my Nana beating my ass black.

But I thought

we were going to focus...

on the roles of physics

and social responsibility.

Nobody cares about the physics.

They want

pain, suffering, and victory.

But this is your chance

to rewrite history...

and finally tell the truth.

If I wanted to write history,

why would I hire you?

Excuse me?

I hire you because you sell.

Now, chapter one.

Professor, l...

You know,

l--I don't think I can do this.

Why not?

Well, because I came here...

to write the truth

about your life...

no matter

how difficult that may be.

I am a historical figure,

God damn it.

You write what I say to write.

Now...

forget about this whole...

Here we tell the story...

about alcoholic violin teacher

and Doris, her little spaniel.

Hello?

Hi.

Where are you?

Hi.

Hi.

Look, l, um...

I know your new life

probably doesn't like it...

when your ex-life

shows up uninvited, but...

I was in the city, and

I wanted to stop by and say hi.

So, hi.

No, no, I'm really glad you did.

What are you doing here anyways?

Interviewing

for some teaching jobs overseas.

You're kidding.

You're leaving L.A.?

Well, my interview at

the lnternational lnstitute...

didn't go so well.

How's Stephanie?

We broke up.

Really?

What--what happened?

Well, l, um...

I--I realized that

the things I liked about her...

weren't hers, they were yours.

You know, what you did to me

was really shitty.

Well, if it's any consolation...

your little intervention

left me pretty shattered.

So, I guess we're even.

OK.

Have you heard anything

from Val?

Not a word. You?

She's moving to London.

What?

She got a job with an animal

rights group, three year gig.

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