50 Ways to Leave Your Lover Page #9

There's a--

There's a going away party

for her, actually.

I'm throwing it.

We kind of became friends, so...

Oh, that's great.

You know, that's...

I mean, I can't believe

she doesn't even tell me...

that she's leaving the country

for three years.

I mean, nothing--not even

a--a text message, you know?

"Changing continents.

I hope you're doing well."

Look, if you've been

thinking about it that much...

maybe--maybe

you should go back and tell her.

Forget about it.

God, you know,

you always do this, Owen.

You wait and you wait, and then

you wonder why you miss out.

Come on, I did that once--

with Eileen.

And us.

Yeah.

Yeah, I always thought

we'd end up together.

I wonder what happened.

Well, I think we were saving it

for a rainy day--

only it's L.A.

It never rains.

That morning began

like any other.

I walked into the office,

took a sip of coffee...

and started reading

the writer's latest chapters.

It was then that it hit me.

He was gone.

And at that moment,

I realized...

what the writer

had already figured out.

I had a brilliant mind,

but I was a morally bankrupt...

greedy little man

whose entire personal life...

was nothing more than one boring

seventy-two-year-long fart.

Well, this truly is a fine

piece of verse, my friend.

You've made this explorer proud.

Can you please

call off your thugs now?

Ha ha. Done, amigo.

I just hope you're not

still feeling dirty...

and cheapened by this.

Bucky, let's face it.

This is the literary

equivalent of syphilis.

Ha ha. Well, of course

you feel that way now.

You're a young man.

As you grow older,

you're going to find...

that all those feelings of guilt

and fear of moral retribution...

all that sh*t we learned

as kids, it all disappears.

Gradually, we heal.

How can you say that...

when your lack of morality

almost cost you your home...

your family,

everything good in your life.

OK, so I did a few bad things,

but the book came out perfect.

I paid my debt.

I even made twenty grand.

It really is a wonderful life.

Thank you.

Owen?

-Hi.

-Hi.

-What are you doing here?

-I just got off a plane.

So, here you are.

-I am.

-Oh.

And I was thinking

about what you said.

Look who's back. Hey, stranger.

Jack.

Hi. Allison, Jack.

Jack, Allison.

Hey, there.

I'm going to talk to you later.

OK.

Jack,

I'm sorry for being such a jerk.

Um, I know that you

and everyone in the group...

were just trying to do

what's good for me...

and I apologize for being

such a prick about everything.

Don't worry about it.

Not a problem.

No, seriously. I owe you a--

It's OK. I mean...

I honestly haven't given it

a second thought.

I'm not in AA anymore.

You're kidding me.

Why? What happened?

It's all a load of sh*t.

The same depressing people

every week--I had to get out.

Me and a few guys

from the group...

we went in on a vineyard.

Anyway, nice to see you.

It was nice seeing you.

Look, I am really sorry...

that things didn't work out

with you and Allison, but we--

I am really sorry

about that wedding video.

I mean, it was

tasteless and offensive...

and you guys really got me back

by sending out that MPEG.

I mean, practically everyone

here has seen my ass.

So, what do you say?

OK.

I'm so sorry

that I used the "C" word.

It wasn't about you. It was me.

Hey, man, welcome back.

Thanks.

I see you finally spoke

to Susan.

Yeah. I guess it's official.

I'm off the Christmas card list.

Yeah, man, don't worry about it.

You were never on it.

Well, that's fine, if that's

the way you want it to be.

Oh, it is.

I don't ever want to see...

any of my friends

talking to her again.

What?

You were right, man.

We broke up. Tch. F*** it.

I started asking my friends

what they thought about her...

and no one liked her.

Then I realized I've become

a different person...

ever since

I started dating her...

only no one wanted to tell me--

except you.

Thanks, man.

Well, the pleasure was not mine.

-Hey.

-Can you believe it?

Ahh. My boy is back.

Yeah. Ha ha.

Let's get something to drink.

F***in' juice box.

-Come on.

-Yeah.

As I was saying outside, l, um--

Dude, there she is.

Now, this is your shot.

Don't be a p*ssy.

It's a great plan,

so I'm really, really--

-Will you excuse me for a second?

-Yeah, yeah.

-Owen, hi.

-Hi.

-Oh, God.

-Oh, God.

I thought you were back east.

What are you doing here?

There was a problem

with the book.

I mean, the guy turned out

to be a complete and utter hack...

and l, uh, I made a big mistake.

I'm sorry.

Anyway, l--I hear

you're moving to London.

-Yeah.

-Wow.

I've never been

out of the country.

I mean, Alaska doesn't count.

Besides, I've just been feeling

like I need a change, you know?

Oh.

You know, t-there's something

I wanted to tell you...

before it's too late.

Look, Owen, maybe we can

talk about this some other time.

No,

l--I really need to say it now.

OK. Ahem.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry for everything.

Thank you.

I just--I just wanted

to put that out there...

before you took off.

Thanks.

So, what are you

going to do now?

-I'm starting a book.

-Yeah?

-A novel.

-Wow.

I'll bet you write

something great.

We'll see.

Anyway,

it--it's good to see you.

-You, too.

-Thanks for coming.

Take care of yourself, OK?

You take care of you, too.

So, did you get her back?

No.

What? What happened?

I apologized, and she said OK.

Oh, my God. Owen,

you are such a f***ing p*ssy.

Hey, I don't have

to explain myself to you.

I just--I can't believe you came

all the way back here...

to get her back, and you folded.

-No, I didn't.

-Meow, meow, meow.

I came back for you.

What?

I want to be with you.

I...

When did this happen?

I--sometime between

the first day we met...

and last Tuesday

at the Newark airport.

-Aw, sh*t. God damn it, Owen.

-What?

I got the job, and I'm leaving

for China next week.

Jesus Christ!

I mean, you're the one

who said L.A. was giving you...

frontal lobe cirrhosis.

I probably wouldn't have

even thought of it...

if it wasn't for you.

Well, I'm glad I could help.

Well, it's only six months.

Yeah, but, you know,

you're going to go out there...

you're going to meet

other people.

You may never come back here.

I'll come back.

I will. I'll come back.

Where are you going to be?

I'll be here.

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