6:66 PM
[POLICE SIRENS AND HELICOPTER]
[POLICE RADIO CHATTER]
VOICE:
Suspect is armedand extremely dangerous.
Snipers let me know
when you are in position.
You have a shot, take it.
DETECTIVE:
This is the police.We have you surrounded.
Come out with your hands up.
[YELLING IN BACKGROUND,
SIRENS STILL HEARD]
Release the hostages, Jimmy.
Go kid.
Release the
hostages, Jimmy! Do it now!
[GUN CLICKS]
[GUN CONTINUES CLICKING]
DETECTIVE:
No one has to die here tonight.
Come on, man.
[gun clicks]
[KABOOM]
[OMINOUS DRONE]
SOFT PIANO PLAYS
[CAR SOUNDS]
LORRAINE:
Get out of the car.
SINISTER PIANO:
[SWOOSH EFFECT]
[GOOFY SOUND EFFECTS
WITH X-FILES MUSIC]
SHERYL:
Ah!STAN:
You motherfuckers, getthe hell off my property!
LORRAINE:
Whoa, whoa. Are youf***ing kidding me, right now?
PETER:
Lorraine, he has an axe.
LORRAINE:
Stan, Lorraine Taylor."Ghostly Night Watch."
Yeah, we're the TV people.
STAN:
Oh, yeah.[Laughs]
LORRAINE:
Yeah.STAN:
Hi, TV people.STAN:
Oh.LORRAINE:
Hi. Hey, may I?LORRAINE:
Great.[CUCKOO CLOCK SOUND]
SHERYL:
Oh, okay. No offense, butobviously this place is haunted.
Case closed.
PETER:
Ew, wonder howlong that's been there.
SHERYL:
Ew.DANIEL:
Ah!What is it?
Ants.
PETER:
What?No, I'm terrified of ants.
Ah!
We heard screaming.
Daniel saw an ant.
Oh, well, everyone. This is
Stan. Stan bought this place
in foreclosure after the
incident. [thud] [screaming]
I told you fools it
wasn't safe to be here today.
Stan, Stan, we talked
about this. Yeah.
I am so sorry. I
forgot my manners.
This place, it just
gets me out of sorts.
It's okay.
This way. Brochures
are $2, by the way.
Okay, you two, listen. I need
you to be super convincing.
I need you get into
character, get in there and
conduct a
proper interview. You got me?
But I'm not a real
forensic detective.
I don't know
how to interview.
Yeah.
And I'm not really psychic, so-
Oh, newsflash.
You're actors, so act.
Yeah, yeah.
SCARY MUSIC:
SHERYL:
Oh, Jimmy. Oh,oh, oooh, oh, oh, oh.
I can feel his
presence.Aah. Aah.
This is not
being taken seriously.
Shut the camera
off. I'm done.
LORRAINE:
No, no, no. Stan, wait.We are taking this very seriously.
Sir, tell us about the alleged
incidents that you alleged
to have happened
around the alleged property.
I'll tell you this. Buying this
house was a big mistake.
I mean,
I thought I'd make a fortune
in murder tour tickets.
But no. One bad Yelp review,
and that bus just stopped
coming. I can't even sleep
here because he won't
let me. I actually had to move
back into my mama's house.
Tell me, have
you ever seen or witnessed
this ghost of a serial killer?
I'll tell what I have seen.
Shadows that shouldn't be there
but are. Cold spots,
even in the summertime.
Lights turning off
and on and sh*t.
Jimmy, if you're here,
turn this light off right now.
I command thee.
DANIEL:
Oh, victim Stan, whatabout the horrific crime
scene in the murder room.
That's where he shot himself
exactly five years ago tonight.
I won't go near it.
He actually kept the bodies
in a closet over there.
Little Mittens
won't go near it either.
And he's the friendliest
cat you're ever gonna meet.
[THUMP]
DANIEL:
Ah!SHERYL:
Ah! The cat?That wasn't no damn cat.
Take it easy, Stan.
What?
LORRAINE:
Put it down.Y'all just don't get it, do
you? The spirit is evil!
With a capital Evil! It wants to
cross over, and mark my words,
he will do anything
to come through.
Do not underestimate
Jimmy Timmy Beck.
[WHOOSH SOUND]
PETER:
Uh, Jimmy Timmy?
Don't start. We'll just shorten
his name for dramatic effect.
SHERYL:
So Jim Tim?Oh.
Hey, Bob, it's me.
BOB (ON PHONE):
Oh, Lorraine.
I think I'm gonna buy this other
show. I was talking to Aisha-
No, no, no.
You don't buy another show.
This show is going to be
awesome, and you are going to
want this, and you are not
going to buy anything from Aisha
because she is a lying slutbag,
and I am going to deliver
something
amazing to you in a week.
BOB:
[Voice cutting out]
No. Fine, fine.
I'll have a cut to you
in 48 hours,
Bob, I promise. Bob.
[PHONE BEEPS, CALL LOST]
Two years ago I was up for an
Emmy and dating a Wahlberg.
STAN:
Do you have a check for me?
Sh*t, Stan, you scared me!
No. I don't have
a check for you today.
No discretionary funds.
What the hell
does that mean?
It means you're an
associate producer now.
Hmm, is that important?
Oh, yeah.
All right.
Okay.
So you just drive safe.
We'll see you
in a couple days.
Doesn't anybody
have a landline anymore?
PETER:
We're lucky thisplace has working plumbing.
So I thought that...
LORRAINE:
So here's what we're gonna do.I want you take this
and I want you to go measure for
cold spots like those, um, those
Yeah. Oh, if you find the guys
cat, bonus. We use it as a prop.
[BUZZ SOUND]
OMINOUS MUSIC BEGINS
[MAGNETIC BUZZING CONTINUES]
This place gives me the creeps.
[MAGNETIC BUZZING AMPLIFIES]
[MAGNETIC BUZZING CONTINUES]
[SCARY WHOOSH EFFECT]
OMINOUS MUSIC CONTINUES
SHERYL:
I know you saidyou're not that observant.
I saw that.
[CREAKY, SCARY, SOUNDS]
Ah! Lorraine!
SOFT EERIE MUSIC
[BUZZING]
DANIEL:
Oh! Oh, Jesus.SHERYL:
Oh no.SHERYL:
Oh.
Oh, sweet hay bales,
there's the closet.
Oh, number 12, Adele. Hello?
Good idea.
We should pray.
No, no, no. My acting coach told
me that I should count down my
favorite songs every time I get
nervous, so I'm on number 11.
Beyonce, "Crazy in Love."
Oh. [humming]
"Back That Azz Up" by Juvenile.
SINGING:
[LOUD NOISE]
[screaming]
LORRAINE:
What's happening?
DANIEL:
Uh, uh, uh, he was here.
He was
here and we saw him.
PETER:
Who was? Mittens?
No, the ghost.
Start recording and
get in the corner, okay?
Hey, hey, follow me.
Measure for cold spots.
LORRAINE:
Hey, hey,measure for cold spots.
Use your device.
DANIEL:
As I get closer to the closet,
the temperature drops
because that is where Jimmy ate
his victims.
Right, Sheryl?
Um, the spirits are telling me
that's where they were digested.
SHERYL:
Now I'm going to try andcommunicate with the spirit
Jimmy Timmy Beck.
Just Jimmy.
Just Jimmy. Can you give
us a sign to show us you're
here, Jimmy? [BUZZING]
We're not asking for much.
Just a sign, a real sign.
Just dropped four degrees
cooler near the closet.
SHERYL:
Is that you, Jimmy?
[LOUD SCARY NOISE]
AH!
Maybe that was the cat.
That's a big f***ing cat.
[SCREAMING]
JIMMY:
Son of a b*tch,something bit me!
LORRAINE:
Cut! You're fired.
What? Because of a bug
bite? I'm calling my agent.
LORRAINE:
Go call your agent.
You're still fired. You suck.
Afraid of f***ing bugs.
I think I wet myself.
DANIEL:
I'm gonna have along-term fear of closets.
SHERYL:
Hey, what's going on here?
Did you hire an actor who looks
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