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just like the real Jimmy Beck,

and [laughs] why was he

hiding in the closet?

I hired a look alike. So what?

edit out the last five seconds

and we have two TV hosts scared

shitless encountering the ghost

of a crazed

serial killer. Winning.

SHERYL:

But he's not really a ghost.

And you aren't really a psychic.

This is reality TV and we are

creating the reality

TV that people want.

F***, I have an

idea. Go get that idiot.

You two have no idea

what is on the line here.

If this works, I promise

you it is going to be life

changing for all of us. I just

need you guys to run around for

a couple hours, play

ghost hunters, look scared

around every corner, and I

promise you I'm gonna make this

worth your while. How's

a spa weekend on me sound?

Very thoughtful and sweet.

But unfortunately, I

can't accept that.

Why? Guys do

spas all the time.

Oh, it's not that. I'm just

super scared of steam.

Oh, come on! Do you

know how many red carpets

I have been to this year?

None!

I need this.

I want this. I can feel it.

And if you aren't with

me, there's the door.

Well, it's kind of far

back to town and I don't think

you'll give me a ride, so yes,

for the spa weekend, I'll do it.

Yeah. As long

as you don't scare me anymore.

I am so proud

I cast you two.

PETER:
Find an actor? Find

my dick with your lips.

ACTOR:
Mom, can you come get me?

I... hello?

[CROWS CAWING]

Hello. Ah! [CALL DROPS]

[CHAINSAW SOUND EFFECT]

[Screams]

PETER:

Hmm.

[mumbles] Huh.

Dude's a ghost.

DANIEL:
Three bedroom,

two bath in the valley.

SHERYL:
Ah, kudos on the two

full baths in case you have

a guest, you know?

LORRAINE:
Oh ya. Oh, and the guy

from "One Tree Hill" is my neighor

SHERYL:
Ooh.

You live next

to Jean Claude Van Damme?

Did you sleep

with him yet?

PETER:

Sleep with who?

Inappropriate, Pete.

I was just asking. Anyway, no

idea where that actor dude went.

Yeah, I'll deal with

him later. Get the camera on the

closet door, and hurry!

DANIEL:
Huh!

Whoa!

Sorry, I missed it.

Story of my life.

DANIEL:

You rigged the door.

Of course. Do you think

they open on their own?

[ELECTRIC SOUND EFFECTS]

Did you rig that too?

No, I didn't.

Hey, guys. Listen to this.

DEMONIC VOICE:

This is my house.

Holy bats in the belfry.

That really happened.

There's really a ghost.

[POP]

LORRAINE:

Yeah, to being ghost hunters.

SHERYL:

Hmm, to being famous.

You know what? It is time to put

the past behind us. To all the

people that doubted me,

especially producers named Bob.

That indie role I

probably didn't get.

To my ex-girlfriend

Janet who left me in the church,

and now she's a whore.

SHERYL:

Oh, no I'm sure she's not.

No. She's a legit whore.

Yeah. She barters

her vagina for cocaine.

Oh.

Okay.

PETER:
Uh, not really good at

this stuff, but, um, my dad got

cancer last year and beat it.

That's great.

Then he died in a car accident,

which sucked. It was a stormy

night, the road was

really windy, and the... the

cliff kinda jumped out at him.

Plus he was hammered. But he was

a really good drunk driver

normally. I was supposed to pick

him up but, uh, I got

sidetracked on Tinder talking to

this girl. I sent her a dick

pic, she sent me a dick pic

back, which was really...

anyway. He sent me a text right

before he disintegrated.

He said,

"Son, I want you to know...

my f***ing car's on fire."

I still have the text.

Okay, then. Um,

let's get back to it.

I'd like a camera

over there. You think you can

handle that, Pete?

Yeah.

Okay.

Sure.

SOFT SPOOKY SOUNDS

[LEAVES RUSTLING]

Put a camera in all of

these trees, Pete? All the

trees? Yeah, all

the trees, Pete,

because [BIRDS CAWING] I want

you to do all this extra work.

[BIRDS CONTINUE TO CAW]

LORRAINE:

Pete, time is money.

PETER:
This is for producers named

Bob that don't respect me and admire

me like Pete does,

because who gives a f***

what Pete thinks.

Oh, this is for that role I

didn't get because I didn't blow

enough producers. Oh, this is

for my ex-girlfriend selling her

twat for crack cocaine.

I don't even like champagne.

LORRAINE:
Peter!

I'm putting

up the camera.

[BIRDS CAWING]

LORRAINE:

Time is money!

Yes, ma'am.

[BIRDS CAWING]

SHERYL:
You ever get the

feeling we're being watched?

LORRAINE:
Stop complaining about stalkers.

At my age you're gonna

want someone to follow you

home and watch you undress.

No. I mean, like, right now.

What?

[TORTURED SCREAMING]

Ah!

What was that?

What the hell?

What is that?

PETER:
Hey, guys.

[SCREAMING]

Found some beef jerky.

Can you stop screwing

around and go get your camera?

Okay. Time to check out the room

we're calling the death chamber.

[DISTANT HOWLING]

LORRAINE:
Okay. So you guys

remember what we rehearsed?

Good, good. Pete,

are you rolling? And action.

SHERYL:
We're here on the

Beck property, haunted site

of numerous grisly murders. As

you can see, it's very dark and

I can feel

that evil is present.

DANIEL:
The killer buried

lots of bodies around

this here Beck property. My

partner will use her psychic

powers. I will use my forensic

science expertise. We will

locate and conquer

this paranormal activity

that we detect.

Now,

the spirit has already shown

some displeasure

with us being here,

so we have

to be very careful.

Okay. No one's gonna jump

out of here though, right?

LORRAINE:
No.

SHERYL:
No. We'll be fine.

[DOOR CREAKS]

[CRICKET SOUNDS]

[FLY BUZZING]

[HEAVY DOOR SLAM]

PARANORMAL MUSIC

SHERYL:
Hmm.

DANIEL:
Hmm.

Hmm.

Hmm.

There seems to be a red

paint-like substance on the

- Hmm.

- floor here.

[BLOOD DRIP SOUNDS]

SHERYL:

Ah. Yes, I think that's blood.

Oh.

[FLY BUZZING] Ah, hmm.

Oh.

[BLOOD DRIPS AND FLY

BUZZING CONTINUE]

Hmm, well, that's strange.

Hmm.

[SCREAMING]

[GUSHY BLOOD DRIPS]

[SCREAMS CONTINUE AND FADE]

Ew, ew, ew.

PETER:
[laughing]

We found the cat.

Shut up.

God, my top. Oh, I've

got cat blood on me.

I can't get blood

exposure from this, can I?

Like, cat hepatitis?

- Awesome.

- How did it look?

- Yeah.

- Swear?

Mm, Let me see it.

Blood, b*obs, money shot.

Oh, my God.

Was this you, Lorraine?

Me?

Yeah. You wanted

the cat as a prop.

Judge Judy would

call that a motive, man.

Okay. I donate to PETA, and

I am deathly allergic of cats.

Hey, who turned

the house lights off?

[ELECTRICITY BUZZING]

DANIEL:
Uh, um-

LORRAINE:
Let's get in there.

Our psychic is

gonna call out that ghost.

Wait, what? How

am I gonna do that?

Positive energy. Let's do this.

Uh, you should

really clean that shirt up.

[whining]

I bet you blood on

b*obs attracts ghosts.

LORRAINE:

Inappropriate, Pete!

Sorry!

[GOAT SOUNDS EFFECTS]

[CRICKETS]

SHERYL:
Oh, I can't wait

to get this blood off.

LORRAINE:
Whoa.

SHERYL:
Oh, God.

I don't remember my

20s being so perky.

PETER:
Got you some flashlights.

Holy tits!

- Sorry. I was just, uh-

- Inappropriate, Pete.

Here's some extra batteries.

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