9 Dead Gay Guys Page #4

The brothers, then, were the other services.

Whereas the father was a punter.

I've never had West African before.

Well, there's always a first time.

So go one, take your pick, father.

Oh, I couldn't possibly choose.

They're all so tasty.

Well, which one do you like?

I would like them all.

You want them all?

Cause that can be arranged.

You know what I like to say,

'Where there's money, there's love.'

And that's exactly what he did.

The father proceeded to have them all,

One at a time.

There were three west African brother altogether.

The youngest being only 14 years old.

He's how old?

Fourteen.

Only fourteen?

Yes,

only fourteen.

You've had your love father,

Now pay your money.

But I don't have any money.

Well then, you'll just have to pay me in kind, won't you?

No.

No, no, no aagh!

In the end, love cost the father

very dearly indeed!

DEAD GAY GUY NUMBER 3

Because, where there's money, there's the Iron Lady, and

You don't want to f*** with the Iron Lady.

Not when it comes to money, you don't.

Believe me, money's important,

But it's not that important!

Byron, where are you going now?

We're going back to the Elephant's Graveyard.

What about Golders Green's money?

Look, Kenny.

There are some things

that even I don't do for money,

And I don't f*** with the Iron Lady.

I wouldn't like to sleep with the Iron Lady either.

Me neither.

And besides

There's easier ways of making money

than trying to find a 3-inch willy.

You're better off looking for UFOs.

Go and look for UFOs?

Aye.

Ugly, Fat, Oldies.

Now that Jeff is dead I need a new benefactor.

And there's none as ugly, none as fat,

and none as old, as old Nick.

Hello, Nick.

Meet Kenny.

He's just over from Ireland.

Kenny, say hello to Nick.

I don't need to know his name, Byron.

I just need to know if he's monogamous.

What's monogamous mean?

Monogamous means, my dear boy,

does your beautiful boyfriend sleep exclusively with you,

or does he sleep around with other people as well,

in a more modern relationship?

We're not in a relationship.

We're just mates.

Mmm. You're not attached?

How wonderful.

You wouldn't be open to the suggestion of a threesome,

would you?

No, why'd you say no, Byron?

Kenny, do you really want to shag me?

Because I sure as hell don't want to shag you!

Kenny, we're mates.

And mates don't shag each other!

Yeah, but it's work Byron.

It's money, you know?

Kenny, shagging each other up the bum

is penetration,

and I don't take it, or give it, for that matter.

I don't like it up the bum either!

Nor me!

- I don't like it that way either.

- No dear.

Me? I'll go back to earning a proper

decent, respectable living.

Or in other other words, I went back to blow jobs.

Donkey Dick Dark, I wonder

if you happen to know of any sad buggers

not only desperate enough,

but also sexually repugnant to such a degree

as to have little choice

other than to pay me to give them a blow job.

By any chance?

Yeah I do, actually.

I know of a desperate dwarf.

A desperate dwarf?

Yeah, you know, he's a dwarf.

He's about 3 feet tall

and he's desperate.

and naturally it goes without saying

he ain't one of the brothers.

He's about 3 feet tall?

Yeah, 3.

So what if I'm only 3?

So what if I am small?

Size isn't everything!

I mean, I may not be huge,

but after all,

it's only a matter of inches we're talking about.

Inches?

Yes, inches.

But don't you mean feet?

You know, 3 feet?

No, inches. 3 inches.

No, he meant inches all right!

Coincidentally enough,

Not only was he 3 feet tall, he was also

only 3 inches long.

I had found our 3 inch willy

and we had found our murderer.

No, 3 inches, that' the problem.

No one will take anything under 4.

They say it's too small. They say it's painful.

But I'm telling you,

whenever it comes to penetration

there's always going to be a thin line

between pain and pleasure.

No, No.

No, I only agreed to a blow job,

and no one said anything about penetration.

So what? What's the difference?

Well I'm not gay, right?

Yeah

So what's gonna ... I might enjoy it.

No, it's under 4 inches.

You lad, I'm telling you, you won't enjoy it.

Well if I'm not gonna enjoy it,

then I'm definitely not up for it.

Sorry.

I think you'd better go.

Awww, not again!

What the frig?

As it happened, being a short arse wasn't

a problem for him,

he didn't mind that so much,

but having a wee willy?

Well that drove him round the bend.

That drove him flipping mental.

I mean, this was one seriously desperate dwarf

we're talking about!

Don't you touch me!

This is a Class 5 Offensive Weapon!

I know it's a Class 5 Offensive Weapon.

It's MY Class 5 Offensive Weapon.

I lost it that night.

That night!

That night you murdered the queen.

Yeah.

So where's the money?

What money?

the money you stole from Golders Green

after you killed the queen.

The money hidden inside the bed!

The money inside the bed?

What bed?

What do you mean, what bed?

The biggest bed in the entire world!

Golders Green's bed!

I didn't get as far as his bed.

No.

No?

No, I'm sorry.

But I never usually take anything under 7,

let alone 4 inches.

Sh*t!

Well anything shorter than 4 inches,

is pure hell.

It doesn't go in properly.

Instead it just lingers around the edge

teasing, never penetrating.

Pain without pleasure.

It's no fun.

No fun.

I won't linger,

I promise you, I won't linger!

No, I'm afraid it's no good.

I tried it once before and NEVER again.

I'm not exaggerating when I tell you

that I couldn't sit down for a whole fortnight afterwards.

It was, and...

you'll have to pardon the pun,

a real 'pain in the arse.'

No, when it comes to my bottom,

I'm afraid 4 inches is the bottom.

Anything less, no go.

In fact, I think you'd better go.

Please no,

Don't make me go. Don't make me beg, for Christ's sake.

No, no, I'll beg, I'll beg...

I'll do anything for you.

You know, I thought it'd turn me on,

to be taken by a midget

sort of kinky

you know.

I'm not a midget, I'm a dwarf.

Whatever!

Small is small, and I like big.

I'm a dwarf, what d'you expect?

Well, I was rather expecting

that long hard thing which I felt earlier.

Long hard thing?

What long hard thing?

-My, you're a big boy...

-Are you trying to be funny?

No!

No, not at all.

You ARE a big boy, and hard, too.

Oh, you mean this long hard thing.

Oh, my god. What's that?

It's a cattle prod.

Oh, is that what it is?

What were you doing to do with it, darling?

Electrocute me? Or shove it up my arse?

Well, I was hoping you'd shove it up MY ass, actually.

I think you'd better go.

don't you?

This is also a Class 5 Offensive Weapon.

You know, I swear, I'm not sure what I'm more afraid of,

A cattle prod, or a 3-inch knob.

This isn't funny!

This is a very dangerous weapon!

That prod is just like you, my little darling,

All charged up, and no one to blow.

Oh, so you didn't actually get to see the bed then?

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