9 Dead Gay Guys Page #5

No.

So if there was money actually hidden inside the bed then,

It's probably still there, do you think?

There's money?

Inside Golders Green's bed?

Well, that's what they say.

Hey, Byron!

If I'm not mistaken,

Didn't that dward have a 3-inch willy?

Taxi!

I know!

He's the guy we've been looking for, Kenny.

He's the murderer.

He's the murderer?

Listen, guess who I've just seen!

Byron, did you give a dwarf a blow job?

Never mind that, Kenny,

a dwarf!

...a desperate dwarf,

he didn't steal Golders Green's money.

I know, that's what I've been trying to tell you.

Who the frig is the guy in that, Donkey Dick?

Well behold thee,

A succulent slice of panani.

If it isn't Golders Green himself.

Golders Green?

What's that dude doing in here?

He hasn't been in the 'hood since he advertised...

his really hard Red Bull Test.

With the queen dead, Golders Green

was looking for an heir to fill his vacant throne,

and his vacant bed.

We concluded therefore, that there must have been

significant funds left in the royal treasury, as it were.

Or in other words,

his bed might have been vacant,

but it probably wasn't empty.

Kenny, I think it's about time

we paid Golders Green a visit, don't you?

I agree totally.

But Byron, how are we gonna get there?

No one knows exactly where in Golders Green

Golders Green lives.

But Kenny, the really hard Red Bull Test

isn't the only way of getting there.

It isn't?

No, we can always take a mini-cab.

A mini-cab?

Aye

Dick Cheese Deepak knows where everybody lives.

Dick Cheese Deepak?

Who the frig is Dick Cheese Deepak?

Dick Cheese Deepak was a mini-cab driver.

He wasn't the best driver,

But he did know where Golders Green was.

He wasn't the worst drive either,

but he was more than a little partial

to the professional blow job.

Deepak! Deepak!

Oh is that yours or mine?

A job on the job, as it were.

Deepak's taxi, come with me,

Good morning, good evening

Deepak speaking.

Byron, what makes you think

he's gonna tell us exactly

where it is in Golders Green that Golders Green lives?

I mean, Golders Green is very discreet.

That's easy.

Everyone knows that Dick Cheese Deepak

hasn't had a blow job in the last five years.

He hasn't had a blow job in the last five years!?

No, he's got a foreskin problem.

He's got a foreskin problem?

What the frig's his foreskin problem?

Goodness gracious, it doesn't pull back!

No.

No it hasn't done in the last five years.

Do you think it's going to be a problem?

I think maybe you'd better give me a blow job, don't you?

Oh, OK.

It's better than nothing!

Consequently, as a result of all his dick cheese,

Deepak hasn't been able to persuade any punter

to give him a blow job in the last five years.

Yo, taxi.

Until now, that is.

It's all yours.

Deepak's taxi, come with me,

Good morning, good evening,

Deepak speaking.

What can I be doing with you, please?

Golders Green please.

Where precisely in Golders Green, please.

No, no, no, no, no.

Deepak, Golders Green please.

- Oh, no.

- Oh, yes.

- Oh, no.

- oh, yes.

Oh, no

Golders Green is choosing to be most private.

He is most discreet.

Look Deepak, cut the crap, right?

Bring us to Golders Green.

And he'll give you your first blow job in five years.

But I've just had one.

- You have?

- Yes.

Just half an hour ago.

You mean to say someone gave you,

Dick Cheese Deepak, a blow job?

Yes.

My first blow in five years!

It was terrific. It was a dwarf!

A dwarf!

Yes,

You know, a dwarf.

He's only about 3 and a half feet tall.

Oh, but it's not like I get a blow job every day!

All right, Deepak.

You take us to Golders Green

and we'll give you your second blow job in five years.

OK!

To administer the second blow job in five years

on a willy with an advanced foreskin problem

and an inordinate amount of dick cheese,

one first needs to find a suitable detergent,

disinfectant, and finally last

but not least,

Oh, Jesus!

a more than usually potent deodorizer.

And containing 40% of pure,

undiluted, 100% proof, mind-blowing,

brain cell decimating alcohol.

There was nothing quite as suitable

as good old Black Death.

And that, was Dead Gay Guy No. 4

Dick Cheese Deepak's second blow job in five years

proved unfortunately, also to be his last.

But at least it was a memorable one.

He had managed to come at the precise moment of impact,

ejaculating himself

through the windscreen, quite a respectable distance.

But, as is so often the case

with the first blow job in years,

Dick Cheese Deepak

had ejaculated prematurely.

We hadn't yet reached Golders Green.

Oh, where are we?

Dunno.

I know one thing for sure--

We're not in Golders Green.

Kenny,

What is it with you and dead gay guys?

Byron, it was only a blow job, big deal.

Kenny, the guy's dead.

Yet again, I don't think you quite grasp

the severity of the situation here.

There's only two ways to Golders Green,

and one of 'em's lying face down

in the bottom of his car, not alive.

Do you understand? Do you?

What's the other?

The other?

The other? The other's only Golders Green's really

hard Red Bull Test.

Oh!

Exactly, Oh!

Jeff's dead.

Dick Cheese Deepak's dead.

It's still not yet giro week.

I could really use a drink right now.

But thanks to you

there's no gay guys left to make any money from!

Byron!

What?

Yes, there is.

Come, Come, Come.

Desperate times call for desperate measures.

The time had come, then...

I'm delighted to have you

... to shag each other.

I must say, I always welcome

a spot of serendipity.

What the frig's serendipity?

Serendipity means, my dear boy,

that there's a direct consequence of the unhappy

and unfortunate demise of our friend

Dick Cheese Deepak, I am in the fortunate

and happy position of being able to shag you both.

Or, to paraphrase Jeff,

It's a cruel irony, that while some poor bugger

is six feet under, decomposing,

you're left very much alive and able to indulge

in a good old-fashioned threesome.

Now you two boys

look like you could really use a stiff one.

Kenny and me, we were best mates.

But as close as we were,

the thought of taking each other up the bum

was just a little bit more intimate

than we would have liked.

Look Byron, it's only work.

Aye.

Legitimate, lucrative work.

I mean, I'm not even gay.

No.

No.

Thus,

now that that's been settled,

Let's get down to business.

Yeah.

Let's get down to business.

Cheers!

Flip sake, Kenny.

What?

Look at your willy!

What's wrong with it?

It's ginormous!

You think?

Aye, I think!

I think it's about the biggest willy

that I've ever seen in my entire life!

I always thought it was average.

Average?

Frig's sake, Kenny, that thing isn't average!

This is average.

Flip me, Byron,

Look at your willy!

Nothing wrong with my willy!

Six and a third inches, Kenny, that's average!

Excuse me, you're the one here

with the flipping weird willy.

I mean, what do the women used to think?

Byron

There's never been any woman.

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