9 Dead Gay Guys Page #6

In fact,

To tell you the truth,

I think I might be gay.

Oh my god, I'm terribly sorry

but you can't really expect me

to accommodate that -- thing!

That's way beyond my league.

In fact I wouldn't be surprised if that couldn't pass

Golders Green's really hard Red Bull Test.

Damn!

Golders Green's really hard Red Bull Test!

As a direct consequence

of the unhappy and unfortunate demise

of our mutual friend, Dick Cheese Deepak,

we were in the fortunate and happy position

of being able to pass

Golders Green's really hard Red Bull Test.

I must say, I always welcome a nice spot of serendipity.

Kenny's willy had won us an audience

with the very private, and very discreet, Golders Green,

about whom very little was known, other than the fact

he lived somewhere in Golders Green.

I have to be very discreet, you see I'm an orthodox jew.

Please, sit down.

No, not the chair.

The bed.

Please sit on the bed.

The chair's private.

It's personal.

The chair is only for me to sit on,

whereas the bed,

so many people have been in and out of that bed

it might just as well be public property.

I'm funny like that, you see.

I'll let any number of willies up my bum,

But I won't let anybody sit on my chair.

In other words, my bum might be everybody's property,

but my seat is my property! HA!

It's quite a big bed you've got here.

Yes, I like big.

Big is good.

But it takes two to fill a bed.

And with the queen gone

this bed is too big, even for me.

Speaking of big

You've passed the really ..

hard Red Bull Test, yes?

Good.

I like big.

Small I don't like.

Dwarves and midgets I don't like.

Dwarves I don't do.

Dwarves?

Yes, a dwarf. Earlier to night you should have seen him.

You wouldn't believe it.

He was only about 3 feet tall.

I'm sorry, I don't sleep with midgets.

I'm not a midget, I'm a dwarf!

I don't care what you are! Small is small. I like big.

Nah. I like big. Big boys.

And boy, was the queen a big boy.

He had a...

big...

you know.

and I had a, I have a big ... you know

it just fit it very nicely.

Now that he's gone he's left a huge

Hole in my life.

Huge!

And I've been looking for someone

to fill my huge hole ever since.

So...

It was big then?

It was the biggest I've ever seen in my entire life.

Swear to god.

And Kenny,

would it be fair to say therefore

that its capacity to accommodate

was directly proportional to its bigness?

In other words, very, very big?

It would be fair to say

that there's room up there

to stick whatever the hell you want, yes.

I mean, to be honest, it's not every bum

that can take a ginormous willy like mine.

Know what I mean?

Kenny, I was talking about the size of his bed

not his arsehole. You arsehole.

Oh. His bed.

Well that was pretty big too.

Byron, what are you doing?

Look, if that bed is really as big as you say it is,

then that's a shitload of money.

Kenny, I think it's high time we did work

of a highly lucrative and wholly illegitimate nature.

No Byron, listen

Don't you stop me! All right? All right?

All right.

All right.

All right.

All right.

And anyway, why do you think

I sent you down to Golders Green in the first place?

Kenny, we don't have sex with guys for pleasure.

We only do it for the money.

Now will you try and remember that, please?

And so back we went to Golders Green.

But as is so often the case when one goes again so soon

after already having had sex,

we were, the second time, late in coming.

Someone had got there before us.

The Iron Lady!

What the frig is she doing here?

Surely you don't think,

Golders Green would f*** with the Iron Lady?

No.

No one could possibly want to have sex with the Iron Lady.

At least not for pleasure, anyway.

Two cans of Red Bull.

Really long, really strong, and really hard.

If so, please contact Golders Green

for lots of fun and money.

Money! Did someone mention money?

Rick, pass over two cans of Red Bull, will ya?

The money,

the bread in Golders Green's bed,

that's what they're here for.

The Iron Lady and the two West African brothers.

The Iron Lady and the TWO West African brothers?

Well where the frig's the third one?

Rick, pass us over two cans of Red Bull, will ya?

Ah ooh, you all pass

Golders Green's really hard Red Bull Test.

Well we are all brothers, you know.

But I don't think I know

which one of you to choose.

Well, Margaret

Which one of us to you like?

Well, dunno really,

to be honest. You all look the same to me.

Eeny, meeny, miny, moe. Catch a ...

F*** me!

F*** me!

F*** me!

There's the money in the bed, in the bag!

Flip me, Kenny.

Look at the size of that bed!

Forget about the bed, Byron.

Golders Green, I think he's dead.

Forget about Golders Green.

Have you ever seen a bigger bed in your entire life?

Don't touch him!

If he's dead, then it's murder.

And if it's murder and you've touched him

then we're both implicated.

And anyways, hey

Do you love him or what?

What?

Do you love him?

No of course I don't love him

Exactly

You don't love him and you're not gay.

Kenny, I will never forget the size of that bed.

Never!

Nor will I ever forget

the ginormous amount of money that must have been hidden

in a bed of that magnitude, either.

Money, I might add,

that we were going to steal first.

If only the Iron Lady and the three West African brothers

hadn't gotten there before us.

Forget it, Byron.

The money it's gone, we'll never get it now.

Oh, yes we will.

How d'you mean?

Well where do you think the Iron Lady

and the three West African brothers

went after they got the money?

Margaret's.

It's only the second closest pub to the flat.

Oh no, Byron.

We don't want to f*** with the Iron Lady, OK?

Oh, yes.

Yes we do wanna f*** with the Iron Lady.

Hello.

My name's Bill Clinton

And this is my colleague Ronald Reagan.

Owing to recent national expenditures the U.S. economy

is not as strong as it could be,

or indeed should be.

It is our responsibility therefore to bring about

a level of stability on the economic front.

Or in other words, to refill the coffers.

Or in other, other words

and to use plain f***ing English

hand over your frigging money.

Is that you, Byron?

It is, it's the Black Death.

The Black Death.

'Can I get a Black Death, please?'

Byron, they know you, they frigging know you.

Well for course they know me,

I'm here nearly every night.

Look, just hand over your frigging money, all right?

What money?

What you do you mean, 'what money'?

Golders Green's money!

The bread in the bed.

The bread in the bed?

The money. Where's the money?

What money?

The money in the bed. Where's the money in the bed?

There is no money in the bed.

Everybody knows there's bread in Golders Green's bed.

There's no money in the bed.

It's rumors and lies.

Look! Look at the bed! There's no money in the bed.

But Margaret, maybe he's telling the truth,

not all jewish people have a lot of money.

It's just a stereotype.

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes