9 Dead Gay Guys Page #7

People stereotype jews in the same way

that they stereotype balck men or fat women.

Jewish people are rich,

black men are well-endowed,

fat women only become lesbians only because

they can't find a man.

You know,

Maybe there's no truth in a stereotype whatsoever.

Especially that last one.

Whether or not poor Golders Green died from being hit

or from a heart attack we'll never know.

Heart attack or no heart attack, though,

the sheer pain of seeing his bed destroyed

in front of his very eyes

would have killed him anyway.

There's no bread in the bed?

No. It was just a stereotype, stupid.

And as we all know,

there's no truth in a stereotype whatsoever.

So what's in the bag?

There's no bread in the bag either.

So there we all were.

Standing there like the total knobs

Golders Green had taken us for.

Golders Green in more ways that one

had well and truly shagged the lot of us.

All of us, that is, except for the desperate dwarf.

Where's the money?

Who the hell is the midget?

I'm not a midget, I'm a dwarf!

How the hell did a dwarf get in here?

Small is small, I like big.

No, the desperate dwarf Golders Green didn't shag.

He was too small.

The Iron Lady!

Where's the money?

There is no money!

Oh! If there is no money, how did Golders Green

persuade the queen to have sex with him?

He didn't.

They probably had sex just for pleasure.

They probably did it out of love.

Did it out of love?

Sex for pleasure?

No, you don't need money to have sex.

That again is yet another stereotype.

Two unattractive people can have sex, as long as

they're attracted to each other.

Two people who are in love can have sex for free.

They can have sex for free?? Bahh!

Look, enough of this!

What does this anyway, a bloody circus or what?

How many more clowns and midgets am I to expect tonight?

I'm not a midget, I'm a dwarf!

What's the difference?

Small is small!

I keep telling you, I'm not a midget. I'm a dwarf!

For a small short arse of a guy

the desperate dwarf

had an awfully large chip on his shoulder.

Yet again he went flipping mental.

Then again, his inferiority complex

could be seen as justified. I mean, after all,

the poor midget did only have a 3-inch willy.

Hitting on everyone with his big stick

the desperate dwarf was directly responsible

for Dead Gay Guys number 6, 7,

The Iron Lady fell on top of him.

It was the first time the desperate dwarf

had ever hit on a woman, and it was the first time

the Iron Lady had ever been on top of a man!

She was a lesbian, of course.

They had sex for pleasure?

It has been known to happen from time to time, Byron,

you know.

But if they had sex for pleasure

then what the frig was the big bed for then?

That was for pleasure too, maybe?

Nah!

There has to be money in there!

Byron, there is no money, all right?

There is no frigging money!

You just don't get it, do you?

You can't get it into that thick skull of yours

that people can have sex for pleasure. Huh??

Wow!

You know, people f***ing for fun!

How strange, huh?

What is it about that strange concept

you just, you just can't grasp, huh?

Jesus!

You know, there doesn't have to be any money, Byron.

There isn't any money!

There's nothing except that stupid f***ing bed!

F***!

The armchair!

You see, I'll let any number of willies up my bum

but I won't let anybody sit in my chair.

In other words, my bum might be everybody's property

but my seat is my property. Hah!

The year I went down to London to actively seek work

was a significant year for me.

Dossing about on the dole is hardly new to me exactly,

But dossing about on the dole down in London,

Now that was a significant change.

For they say, the streets of London are paved with gold.

I now know this to be an undisputed fact,

for even I was able to find gainful employment

in the big smoke.

Now, I'm a lazy bastard at the best of times,

But if a dosser like me could find work,

then so could anyone.

Highly lucrative and wholly illegitimate work.

But most significantly of all,

the year I went down to London

was the year of the nine dead gay guys.

Byron, why do you have to go?

I mean, why don't you stay?

Nah, I've had enough, Kenny.

I've had enough of dead gay guys.

I mean I don't know what it is

about you and dead people, Kenny,

but there's been nine arleady.

Nine dead gay guys.

I mean that's a hell of a lot of dead people

and you've only been here a couple of days.

Know what I mean?

Why don't you come with me?

Go back home for a little while. It might do you some good.

Nah!

Well why not?

What's there to stay for?

You know, the streets of London,

Paved with gold.

Anyway, it's giro week sure.

How much more money do you want, Kenny?

Well you know what they say:

Where there's money, there's love.

Although you don't need money to have sex, exactly,

it can, however, help.

You see, although Golders Green did, in fact

pay her majesty for his pleasure,

their relationship was not totally

without reciprocation.

It was what you might call a give and take relationship.

Golders Green gave, and the queen took.

Thank you, your majesty.

But then sometimes it was the other way round.

No,

Thank you Goldilocks.

In other words, not only could the queen take it,

but the queen could also give it.

And so, I guess you could say,

they were, in more ways than one,

respectively able to fill each other's hole.

What?

The hole in each other's life, that is.

Never wonder then why Golders Green

was so precious about his seat.

Or in other, other words,

when it comes to Golders Green's end

it really is true to say

that where there's money

there's love.

And if London can do all that for Golders Green,

then London can do all that for my best mate, Kenny.

Whatever makes you happy.

Hey Byron

What?

It's good seeing you, man.

Yeah it's good seeing you too.

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