A Bad Idea Gone Wrong

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1

- The tropical places, you

know, that's the go-to,

get your white sands and your

blue water,

and your f***in' guava trees

and whatever,

and it makes a beautiful

postcard, but I burn.

And I can't, you know,

it's just not,

it's not relaxing to

me if I got my Mai tai

and my pina-umbrella-whatever

thing,

and I forget to put on my

SPF infinity,

sweater in a bottle,

and then the next day,

I can't wipe my own

ass without discomfort,

exceptional discomfort.

And then, I gotta stay

outta the sun

and deal with all that bullshit,

and what's the point

of being in the tropics

if you gotta act like some

f***in' nerd on summer break

reading a hobbit book

in his bedroom.

So a more temperate climate,

that's what I'm lookin'

for from this,

from a getaway standpoint.

What about you?

- It'd be nice to meet somebody.

- What? You know, just somebody

new, get unstuck.

- That's kind of a lot

to pin on a,

I'm just sayin', I was talking about a more

temperate climate and you're talkin' about

some measure of human

emotion, one of which,

by the way, you can find

on a map.

- We're just talking here,

right?

- Sure. Well, you're goin'

off like we just pulled

some master diamond heist.

- I'm just saying eventually...

- haven't even found a place...

- we are looking, right?

There's the check cashing

place we talked about.

Mm, that's a rough crowd,

something goes wrong, it

goes all the way wrong.

The flower shop...

No, she's nice, and I met

her daughter that one time,

so that makes it really...

- you shouldn't have been

shopping there.

- I was casing the joint!

- You could've cased

the f***in' Louvre

for the amount of time

you spent there!

- She has nice eyes and she

found her passion in flowers,

and I don't wanna rob her!

Some people have no

idea what they wanna do

with their lives and she...

- fine, fine, I get it!

- Besides, I found the place.

- I found the flower shop.

- No, I mean, the place.

- Yeah?

- Yeah, it's perfect.

Unexpected.

- Is it this place?

- What?

- Oh, man, yeah, this

is like Pulp Fiction!

- What shitty part of

Pulp Fiction

would this possibly be like?

- You know, the opening part

with, uh,

honey bunny and pumpkin and, uh,

"any of you f***ing pricks move,

"I'm gonna execute every

motherfuckin' last one of ya!"

- Shh, Jesus!

- Yeah, yeah, I'm into it, let's

do it!

- What are we gonna rob the

diner with,

our f***in' coffee spoons?

We should at least order the steak and eggs

first so we have knives!

- You guys ready to order?

- Yeah, I'll have the, uh, steak

and eggs.

- What is the

finest item on your menu?

- Ooh, uh, my favorite is

the chocolate chip pancakes.

Super tasty.

- Eh.

- You don't like pancakes?

- No, it's just, uh,

that's my ex-fiancee's favorite,

so,

kind of a loaded menu

option for me.

Um, the Denver omelet, thanks.

- Wow.

- What, I don't want chocolate

chip pancakes, so what?

It's breakfast, not dessert.

- Perfect, say that.

- Do you wanna hear about the place or

do you wanna be my f***in' life coach?

It's a house, I know how

to get in.

I know there's valuable jewelry,

and I know that they're

gone all week.

- Which week?

- This week, now.

- Holy sh*t, this is

real, this is really real!

- There is one part, um,

it's in a gated community,

so there's a guard and a gate

and a fence around the whole

thing, so.

I know how to get in the house,

I just don't know how to get to

the house.

- Well, I do.

We'd like to order a pizza,

please.

- For here or to go?

- For delivery.

- We're here.

- And that's how you do it.

This is for you, my good man.

- Dude!

- You get the other half

when you pick us up.

- Ah, this is bullshit!

At least pay for the pizza, man!

This is all the way

the hell out here,

how am I gonna account

for this on the books?

- Fine!

Now, remember, this address,

plus a sausage, mushroom,

and anchovy pizza.

That's the code to come

pick us up.

- Yeah, the address is fine.

I mean, no one's gonna come... whoa, whoa,

let's not get our signals crossed here, ok?

Just stick to the plan.

- Whatever!

- Whoa, hey, whoa.

You know, since we paid for it.

- What if there's no

hide-a-rock?

- There is!

- How do you know?

- Because I know,

we wouldn't be here

if there wasn't a hide-a-rock.

- Then why haven't you found it?

- Because it looks like a

f***in' rock!

That's the beauty of its design!

- I've got no bars, why

would you pay all this money

to live up in a place

with no bars?

I have to call the pizza

guy from inside, I guess.

That'll actually make it seem

more legit.

Yeah, the caller ID shows this

address, the guy picks us up.

Nothin' funny about that,

nothin' to pin it to us.

It's almost too perfect.

Leo?

- Yeah? I was saying we have to

call the pizza guy from...

- I heard you.

Hear that?

What was that?

- Don't move.

It's an alarm.

- Sh*t, I didn't know

about the alarm.

- It's ok, just there

might be motion detectors.

- Like lasers?

- Maybe, or infrared.

You know, everything gives

off infrared heat, even ice?

- That's f***ing fascinating,

do you know what

you're doing there?

- Yeah, getting it.

- What does that mean,

you're getting it?

- I've established a pattern,

and I'm working within the

confines of that pattern

to decipher the, oh!

- Incorrect, system armed!

- Armed, you just armed it?

So now we have to break out of

the house we just broke into?

- I mean, if anything, it proves

that the pattern was right.

I just went in the wrong

direction with it, right?

If I reverse...

- no, don't touch it!

It's f***in' armed!

- I know, I'm going to unarm it!

- No, you're not, you're gonna

set it off,

and then the guard's gonna

be here in six seconds,

cops are gonna be

right behind him,

and then we're gonna be

stuck here with nowhere to go

because we're in the middle

of a giant gated,

fenced-in cage!

- Ok, yeah, it's not ideal,

but it's not a problem.

There's a code

and it's written down

somewhere in this house,

maybe on their computer,

in an email

from the security company

or somethin' like that.

We just take our time, find the

code while we rob the place,

and then skedaddle,

clean and easy.

- What about the

motion detectors?

- No motion detectors.

Good find!

- Huh?

- This place is swanky!

- It's ok.

- Ok, look at this!

- What is it?

- This is art, they have

art hanging on the walls.

That's some ritzy people sh*t!

We're gonna score

huge on this job.

- Uh, what are you doing?

- Stealing this,

it looks expensive.

- We're not gonna steal a bowl.

We need small things that

we can fit in our bags.

- Or in a pizza box, right?

We could put a painting in here.

Let's eat this fast so the

box doesn't get all sweaty.

Here.

- What the f***?

- What?

- You just ruined that rug,

look at that!

Show some respect!

- We are robbing this place.

- We don't have to rub their

faces in it!

I mean, sh*t!

That's a nice rug!

- Ok, I-i don't know, I'm sorry?

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