A Bag of Hammers

- Who would win in a fight-

- Ultimate Warrior.

That wasn't-

I wasn't going to say

Ultimate Warrior.

Well, you said

"Who would win in a fight?"

and it's Ultimate Warrior.

You have to say,

"Aside from Ultimate Warrior,"

or give me specific choices.

- Give me some time.

- Give me some choices.

Who do you think

would win in a fight, Marty,

or Armenian Frank?

- Armenian Frank, not Italian Frank?

- No, Armenian Frank.

- Who?

- Marty.

- Why?

- Marty could have a secret weapon

that none of us know about.

Like a nuke...

Who do you think

is a better bowler?

Ultimate Warrior.

I don't want to go

I don't want to go

On my own

On my own

I don't want to go

On my own

And so you know

the bottom might trump you

And then where

would the best of us be

Well some kind of flow

So jealous of ghosts

Not a candlestick maker,

not me

I don't want to go

I don't want to go...

Marty!

Look at you dumbshits

in yer bow ties!

Where did you boys

pick this up?

Valeting.

It is a 2004.

It is in great shape.

It's a nice car.

Very nice. Clean.

I'll move it easy.

- Clean interior.

- Yep.

Except for this fry I found.

Here you go, Jethro.

Alright...

Let's say six?

- What, that's fair!

- Marty, I've got a mortgage.

I'll tell you what,

eight thousand five hundred,

not a penny less.

Damn right!

Seven thousand.

- Alright, we'll take it.

- Fine.

It is endlessly f***ed up to me

that you steal cars

from dead people.

- They're not dead people.

- They're dead peoples' relatives.

- I remember when you were nice boys.

- Yes...

You're breaking

my heart, Marty.

My favorite, favorite,

favorite degenerates.

Okay, Barbara Walters

or Cloris Leachman?

Cloris Leachman, no question.

No not-I know what

you're thinking.

You're thinking Cloris Leachman

in Young Frankenstein.

But Cloris Leechman now.

- Hi y'all.

- Hey.

- How's it going?

- It's alright, alright.

Just getting settled in.

I went to my school,

it's pretty close.

- Yeah-

- Uh just one thing though...

About the rent.

I was really hoping to be able

to pay the whole amount.

You know, it's just that

I haven't found work yet.

Right...

The FEMA money that we got

is only a two thousand

dollar cash card.

And then they tell me now

that they don't know when

the rest can be

processed, so...

- I can't really afford...

- What?

Fifteen hundred

to fourteen hundred.

Ah...

- Say a thousand a month, is that okay?

- Really?!

Thank you, thank you.

That is so nice of you!

It's pretty wonderful,

you know,

you getting on

the property ladder

at such a young age, Alan.

- Impressive.

- Yeah, thank you.

So what is it that you do?

- Hey boys.

- Hey, what it is.

- Juice.

- Thank you.

So what do you want?

- Um...

- Ah...

Well, aren't we

forgetting something?

- Ah yes.

- Alan, come on.

- Well it is a Wiggles Waffles policy.

- Alan-

That when a server -

that'd be you,

greets the customer -

that'd be us,

that you must perform the

Wiggles Waffles Wiggle.

Alan, please.

Welcome to Wiggles,

the Wiggles Waffles Wiggle

Thank you for wiggling

into Wiggles Waffles...

...Diner.

- Oh God, every time.

- So stupid!

F*** you, bed-shitter!

Whoa!

So...

what's the grift of the day?

Actually, forget it.

I don't want to know.

Well actually,

we can't decide today.

You know you should just

snatch some old ladies' purses.

- It's more direct.

- No, please.

What do we look like?

Criminals?

Well, looks can be deceiving.

That's precisely why

we're so successful.

So, Mom called yesterday.

- Yeah?

- Yeah.

Dad got into another bar fight.

Mom's really upset.

You should really call her.

Well I will have the

pancakes... Pancakes?

- Yes, please.

- Pancakes, sure.

It's from both of us...

Hey, Mac, how're you doing?

- Mountain View?

- Alright.

- Another wiggle?

- Oh yeah.

Welcome to Wiggles,

the Wiggles Waffles Wiggle

Thank you for wiggling...

Who do I think is a better

bowler? Who or who?

You don't say anyone

I'm going to say me.

- Who talks that fast?!

- Me.

When do you ever-

you never talked that fast.

- Yes I do. I talk this fast all the time.

- No you-

- It's ridiculous.

- Who are we burying today?

I dunno.

I left the paper at Wiggles.

Sloppy, Alan.

That's sloppy.

Sorry for your loss.

Condolences.

Is that...

Any good CD's over there?

Oh, let's see.

Kelly Clarkson.

Kelly Clarkson.

Kelly Clarkson -

Christmas Is A Time For Giving.

- Mariah Sings Kelly Clarkson,

- Dude...

- Oh my God...

- and Rammstein.

Oh right, with the

Kelly Clarkson...

What is it?

Gimme this...

Amanda?

Oh f***.

Oh f***! F***!

- F***, look at the... at the-

- Oh yeah!

Oh yeah.

Did we steal...?

- Yeah, we f***ing did!

- We stole your ex-girlfriend's car?

We stole Amanda's car.

I don't believe this.

Oh my God!

The one time

I didn't scout the paper.

- Oh sh*t. Oh sh*t.

- What?

Oh sh*t...

- Okay, just pull over.

- Okay, I am.

- Right here?

- Yeah, right here's good.

Be careful, don't hit the curb.

I'm not gonna hit the curb.

- Smiles.

- Smile, we should smile?

Yeah, we didn't do

anything wrong.

License and

registration, please.

License and registration.

Yes, uh...

Sorry.

I'm a little deaf in this ear.

Here you go.

You know at what speed

you were driving, just there?

Forty-ish

- in a twenty-five.

- Twenty-five?

School zone.

So which one of you two

is Amanda Beekler?

Amanda is my girlfriend.

Yeah, here actually...

- Here's a picture of us, right here.

- Oh yeah.

That's us.

We were at Guido's.

- It was our six-month anniversary.

- Cute.

Then we went home

and had the weirdest sex.

Alright, son.

No, apparently if you're

double-jointed here then-

Enough. I'm going to let

you two off with a warning.

- Thank you.

- You two have a pleasant afternoon.

You as well.

What are you two?

Waiters?

- Well-

- Hey, hold on, hold on.

Let's just leave the car.

With who, the florist?

Well, there's no need

to interrupt them in their...

...time of need,

so let's just drop the keys

off and get out of here.

What do you say?

You want to ding-dong-ditch

a Mercedes

that you stole from

your ex-girlfriend

on the day her father

was buried?

Yeah. I do.

That's what I want to do.

So I'm gonna do that.

Um... Amanda...

Hi.

Wow...

Hi.

Hey, Amanda.

Alan.

Um... Listen, we just wanted

to tell you that we...

...are very sorry to hear about

your father's, uh...

That's all?

Yeah.

Yeah, well...

Yeah...

This is so like you.

What... you don't know

what I'm... what is so like me?

You're a liar.

And a coward, Ben.

And maybe one day

Rate this script:2.6 / 7 votes