A Case of You Page #3

Look it up.

I will.

I'll Google it.

Yeah, do that.

Okay.

I didn't technically

play backup,

but I was backing them up

from a choice seat backstage.

I'm pretty tight

with Chris Barron's brother.

Is he... is he in the Spin Doctors?

Are you effin' f***ing with me?

I-I don't...

Is this Punk'd?

Am I punk'd?

Are you Ashley Kutcher?

Ashton.

Who doesn't know Chris Barron?

I don't.

I'm sorry.

He's the original doc.

He hooked me up

with backstage passes,

and we did enough K

to date-rape a horse.

What's K?

And you want to be a rock star.

Without K, the Spin Doctors

would be Spin Nurses.

It's a f***ing horse

tranquilizer, champion.

Gary, I totally respect

your musical background,

and that's why

I just really want you

to teach me how to play.

Yeah? Why?

I just want to...

Why?

I just want to learn.

Nobody just wants to learn.

You either want money,

p*ssy, or fame.

Which one is it?

I just want to learn.

Money, p*ssy, or fame?

I want to...

Which one is it?

Well, then, okay.

Well, there's... there's a girl.

So it's p*ssy.

Yeah, fine, I guess.

Well, does she have a p*ssy?

Can you just tell me

where the G is please?

It's right above the

clit, inside the p*ssy.

The G chord.

Can you... what are you doing?

If you just listen...

Shh!

And stop f***ing around,

Dr. Gary Garren will teach

you a thing or three.

You know what I mean?

I think so.

[LIGHT GUITAR MUSIC PLAYS]

Yeah, one, two

Princes kneel before you

That's what I said now

Princes

Princes who adore you

Go ahead now

One has

Diamonds in his pockets

And that's some bread now

This one

He wants to buy you lockets

Ain't in his head now

Hey

Bi-di-dip

[SPIN DOCTORS' TWO PRINCES PLAYING]

[CHEERY ROCK MUSIC]

Yeah, one, two

Princes kneel before you

That's what I said now

Princes

Princes who adore you

Just go ahead now

One has

Diamonds in his pockets

And that's some bread now

This one

Said he wants to buy you lockets

Ain't in his head now

Yeah

Do do-do do

Do do do do-do

Ba-deedly de-ba da-ba da-ba

Da-ba da-ba da-ba

da-ba da-ba

This one

Got a princely racket

That's what I said now

Got some

Oh, sh*t!

Ain't in his head now

You marry him

Your father will condone you

How 'bout that, now?

You marry me

Your father will disown you

He'll eat his hat now

Marry him or marry me

I'm the one that loves you

Baby, can't you see?

I ain't got no future

or family tree

But I know what a prince

and lover ought to be

I know what a prince

and lover ought to be

Said if you

Want to call me, baby

Just go ahead now

And if you'd

Like to tell me maybe

Just go ahead now

And if you I'

Want to buy me flowers

Just go ahead now

And if you'd

Like to talk for hours

Just go ahead now

[GUITAR SOLO]

Tap out.

Tap out.

I'm trying.

Tap out!

I'm trying.

I can't tap out.

Tap out.

[GRUNTS]

Oh, my God.

Holy Jesus.

[BELL JINGLES]

Hey, Gerard.

Hey.

I'm here to pick up

my last paycheck.

Somebody stole it.

What?

I'm joking.

Jesus!

Don't get your boy shorts

in a panty bundle.

How could someone possibly

steal it and then cash it?

I-I-I don't know.

Exactly, genius.

I stole it and tried to cash it.

Didn't work.

Great.

Well...

I'm just glad it's still here.

Did he find you?

Who?

That Laotian boy.

Oh, you can run,

but you can't hide.

When you're done with

him, give him my digits.

Okay.

I don't... I don't know what you're talking

about, so I'm just gonna take this.

Thank you.

And... yeah.

Bye.

Ten years ago

I bought you some cufflinks

C:

And then to G

Head back to D

And back to

Hey!

Welcome home!

What the f*** is going on?

Oh, man.

You missed...

Oh, sh*t!

I got to flip the mahi.

Ah, f***.

Damn it.

No, no, no, no,

no, no, no, no, no.

Ah, I knew it.

Should have done the medallions.

Should have done the medallions.

What is going on, man?

Oh, I...

found some inspiration.

Cocaine?

[LAUGHS]

No, no, no.

Let's just say a little

bird helped me out.

I'm not... not getting it.

Birdie! Duh.

The coffee shop girl.

Birdie. Right.

Can you turn that down a little?

Way down.

Sorry, man.

Sorry.

Listen, I got

to tell you something.

I haven't felt this way

in such a long time.

I feel this, like, uh...

like a jolt, you know,

like a... like a thump.

Don't say spark.

A spark.

It's true.

I can't explain it

any other way.

It's this... this intangible

feeling that...

Feels pretty good.

I love that, man.

That's great.

Oh, sh*t.

Is she coming over?

You want me to go to Ashley's?

Oh, no, she's not coming here.

Oh, she's not?

Yeah.

That's great, though.

You guys been hanging?

No.

You been talking on the phone

with her?

No.

A little online chatting?

Not quite.

See, I'm getting

a little creeped out, man.

I'm doing exactly

what you said.

What I told you to do?

Yeah.

I'm becoming the man

of her dreams.

I don't think that that...

I'm preparing

for the moment to arise.

I've been studying

her Facebook page all week.

I know it backwards

and forwards.

I'm visualizing the whole thing.

I got it.

[CLICKS TONGUE]

Okay. How 'bout this?

Yeah?

Visualize writing her a message

but then literally do it

right now.

Write her a message r-right now?

Yeah.

Okay.

You know what?

Screw it.

You're right.

Let's do this.

All right.

This is the moment.

Carpe diem.

Um... okay, so what... what do I write?

Uh, uh, uh...

Got it.

Okay.

"I love and invite my soul"...

What's this? What is this?

This is Leaves of Grass.

Walt Whitman.

Birdie loves Whitman.

No.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Really?

Why? Why? Why?

Dude, look at this.

Look.

"Hey, babe, I hope you're still

coming to my show on Tuesday.

LOL, Jackie. "

Who's Jackie?

It's Jackie Williams.

She's a... she's an aspiring actress.

Their parents are family friends.

She loves Kathy Griffin.

She's an Aquarius.

She does the show on Tuesday

night at UCB Improv.

[LAUGHING] Oh. my God.

It's really disturbing you

know that, but that's your in.

Well, it's all in...

What do you mean, that's my in?

I'm gonna go to some shitty improv show,

sit through the whole thing, just so

I can stare at her in the audience?

You... No, you...

so you can talk to her.

All right, flower, grow!

Grow! Grow! Grow! Faster!

Why don't you grow faster, flower?

Now, run around.

Ahh!

Yeah, but you love that flower.

Tell that flower

that you love her.

The chestnut

that turned into a flower,

to turn it into growing water,

then turn into something big.

It was chestnuts!

That was pretty funny.

Hey... Can I get,

uh, one of these?

Oh, my God.

Wait, wait.

Oh.

Do you ever go

to the Second Stop Caf?

Well, where is that...

Oh, Gorbachev!

Sam.

That's it!

Yeah. Yeah.

Birdie.

Birdie? Bird... yeah.

What have you been up to?

What have you been up to?

I... Jesus.

Oh, no.

[LAUGHS]

Um, nothing.

Just, uh, watching...

Really bad improv.

Glad you said that.

It was... yikes.

Though I commend them

for their courage.

I would never have the nerve

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