A Case of You Page #9

"Tell you what, sailor

"If you take me out of here,

I'll do anything that you ask

"'Cause I don't want to die

like the people down here

but I feel

that I'm fading fast"

And he looked over

to her chestnut hair

And said,

"I don't believe in love"

But he knew good and well

she was the only girl there

So he figured

it was close enough

Hey! Hey! Hold it!

Hold it! F***! Hey!

Thank you.

Hi. How are you?

I have an...

There he is.

Alan.

The writing machine.

Hey.

How you doing?

Good.

I'm surprised you got

any blood in those fingers

after all the writing

you've been doing.

Yeah.

Get yourself in here.

Okay.

You know my partner, Scott.

Yes.

We spoke on the phone.

How are you?

So nice to meet you.

Yeah. Welcome. Sit down.

Thank you.

I like the man bag.

Oh, thanks, Alan.

I like what it says about you.

Yeah?

Hope there's a couple

more gems in that one.

Well, me too.

Help yourself to a

pastry, a little fruit.

No, thank you.

Why don't you

knock out a cantaloupe?

You've been writing, cooped up.

It's got some micronutrients in it.

Knock a cantaloupe out.

Okay.

Yeah.

Pop it in there.

Eat it.

Okay, so as an overall, general note,

the stream-of-consciousness

narration's working great.

Great.

It is very clear

that this guy is beyond lost

and has no clue how to navigate

his own obtuse actions.

Okay, but what I like is,

he doesn't understand how the

real world works... Right.

And he's too afraid to show

himself to the real world,

and these are the seeds

of his own undoing.

Oh, I don't...

He's a child.

Yes.

He's wandering alone

in the woods, right,

lost in the ether

of his own neuroses.

And this is powerful stuff.

Yeah.

He's saying you wrote

the perfect p*ssy.

The perfect p*ssy?

Yeah, the perfect p*ssy.

Now, around chapter 12...

and I'm sorry to interrupt...

but it's at this point in the

story that it's pretty obvious

that I completely side with the girl.

See, for me,

it's more around 11 or 10.

With the girl?

Are you kidding?

Well, I think what you do is great,

'cause you have a protagonist,

and then you, like a relay race,

hand off the baton and say,

"Now we're gonna root for this girl. "

And I think you do it

in a way that's elegant

but, at the same time,

not subtle.

Yeah, and if I may, like,

how do you not love her?

And he is such

a spineless, pathetic...

He's a eunuch, is what he is.

That's exactly...

You know what I'm saying?

And I don't mean it literally,

'cause, clearly, they have...

there's scenes between 'em that

we know what we're talking about,

but he's a eunuch

in more ways than one.

I, uh...

So the point is...

Do you feel

what I'm saying, though?

I do.

So okay.

How would

this metaphorical "eunuch"

be at all redeemable in her eyes?

Hold on, guys.

All due respect,

this was not my intention

when I wrote the story at all.

This was not what I was going for.

Come again?

Well, I mean, she's so carried

away with this whole thing.

She's the one

that puts pressure on it.

She... she makes it heavy.

No.

What... how can you say that?

There's no real connection

between them.

It's not his fault.

No connection?

They were in love.

He just wasn't cognizant enough

to see it.

Exactly, and now all she can do

is accept the fact

that he's completely inept.

That's right.

He had it.

He lost it because he suffocated

her with his own fear.

In the end, I mean,

it's obvious

that it can only be one thing,

and that's

that he's destined to be alone.

And it's really honest,

and it's really simple.

Uh-huh.

He's cut everyone out.

He's gonna continue to do that.

It's not like he's gonna get

over his issues with his mom

and all that stuff.

He's giving up

on something great.

He's gonna spend

the rest of his life

crippled by the fact that

he wasn't able to show her love.

And if he did wake up,

it would be a lot of substances

and a lot of years later.

Mm-hmm.

And at that point, she would

have banged half of Manhattan,

so he wouldn't want her anyway,

So romance or no romance,

it's... it's over with.

Yeah.

[TANGO MUSIC PLAYING]

That was insane!

Mercedes and Roberto!

[APPLAUSE]

Hey! Taxi!

[UPBEAT ROCK MUSIC]

You better hang on

to your oxygen tanks,

ladies and gentlemen,

because up next, we

have Henry and Harriet.

[APPLAUSE]

Cookie and Fritz, everybody!

Cookie and Fritz!

One more time!

We only have a few couples left.

On deck, the lovely

Birdie and her companion,

the delectable Raymond.

But first, Earl and Sally,

or, as they're known

collectively...

Wow Factor.

What are you guys doing here?

What are you doing here?

We came to watch Birdie dance.

Where is she?

She's over there.

She's about to go on.

Okay.

Give me your stuff.

Give me your stuff.

Okay.

Get yourself together.

Oh, my God.

You look crazy.

Huh?

Oh, shoot.

Okay. Good?

Get in there.

How are you guys doing?

We're... we're great.

Yeah.

We're... we're compromising.

Compromising.

That's great.

That's so good.

Get in there.

All right. Okay.

Birdie.

Hi.

Hi.

You look amazing.

Where... where are your parents?

Um, I...

I called them off.

I didn't think you were coming.

Right. Sorry.

Can we go somewhere

for a second and just talk?

Can I-I need to...

We can talk right here.

I love you.

Oh, Sam, you...

you don't have to...

I know.

I know.

But I-I do.

I am in love with you.

I love you so much.

It feels really good to say.

I'm sorry I didn't say it the

other day, but I didn't know

if I knew in the right way,

but now I know

that I-I-I knew in every way.

I knew it.

I know it, you know?

[SIGHS]

Does that make any sense?

Not really.

Okay, wait.

The guy that you fell in love with...

You.

No, the guy who, like, plays

guitar and likes pedicures

and is thinking about

getting a tattoo...

that's not entirely who I am.

I based all of that

on your Facebook page

because I-I wanted

to be your ideal guy.

[SNIFFLES]

I know.

What?

I know.

You're not exactly the most

subtle guy in the world, Sam.

You knew the whole time?

Yeah.

The Origin of Species?

Come on.

I'm sorry.

I didn't want to put

myself out there

and not have a connection.

I was so afraid.

But it's there.

It's been there the whole time.

Can we please start over, Birdie?

With every passing day

I'll be

No.

But we can pick up

where we left off.

[SIGHS]

Oh, thank you.

I can't believe you knew

about the profile thing,

and you didn't tell me.

Yeah, I even... I even started

putting stuff on there

just to see if you would do it.

Are you kidding?

No.

Like the rock climbing?

What?

Yeah.

That was the worst!

You're the worst!

[LAUGHS]

Hey, can I tell you

something now?

I should come clean with this.

I was actually making up

the whole male a cappella group thing.

Mm.

Nice try.

[CHUCKLES]

Ladies and gentlemen,

I believe we have a change

in the roster this evening.

Scratch Raymond.

[INHALES SHARPLY]

This dance will be

Birdie and...

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