A Christmas Story Page #4

the Ovaltine inner seal to send off for my Little Orphan Annie...

secret decoder pen, was about to pay off.

I got it. "Master Ralph Parker."

My decoder pen!

All right!

"Be it known to all that Ralph Parker is hereby appointed...

"a member of the Little Orphan Annie secret circle and...

"is entitled to all the honors and benefits occurring thereto."

Signed, Little Orphan Annie.

Countersigned, Pierre Andre!

In ink!

Honors and benefits. Already at the age of nine.

Come on. Let's get on with it.

I don't need all that jazz about smugglers and pirates.

Listen tomorrow night for the concluding adventure of...

The Black Pirate Ship. Now it's time...

for Annie's secret message for you members of the secret circle.

Remember, kids, only members of...

Annie's secret circle can decode Annie's secret message.

Remember, Annie is depending on you.

Set your pins to B-2.

Here is the message.

12. 11. 2...

I am in my first secret meeting.

...25. 14. 11. 18.

16. 23...

Pierre was in great voice tonight.

I could tell that tonight's message was really important.

...3. 25.

That's a message from Annie herself. Remember, don't tell anyone.

Ninety seconds later I'm in the only room in the house...

where a boy of nine can sit in privacy and decode.

Ah! "B." I went to the next.

"E." The first word is "be"!

"S." It was coming easier now. "U."

Come on, Ralphie! I gotta go.

I'll be right down, Ma.

Gee whiz.

"T. O."

"Be sure to." Be sure to what?

What was Little Orphan Annie trying to say? Be sure to what?

Ralphie! Randy has got to go! Will you please come out?

All right, Ma! I'll be right out!

I was getting closer now.

The tension was terrible. What was it?

The fate of the planet may hang in the balance.

Ralphie! Randy's gotta go!

I'll be right out, for crying out loud!

Almost there! My fingers flew.

My mind was a steel trap.

Every pore vibrated.

It was almost clear.

Yes!

Ovaltine?

A crummy commercial?

Son of a b*tch!

I went out to face the world again.

Wiser.

Red cabbage?

No, that's for tomorrow night. You love red cabbage, Ralphie.

You filthy system!

I hate it!

Schmucker! Smelly watt-buster!

What happened next was a family controversy for years.

What was that? What happened?

What happened?

What broke?

I don't know what happened.

I was watering my plant and...

I broke your lamp.

Don't you touch that!

You were always jealous of this lamp.

Jealous of a plastic leg?

Jealous!

Jealous because I won.

That's ridiculous! Jealous?

Jealous of what?

That is...

the ugliest lamp I have ever seen in my entire life!

Now it was out.

Get the glue.

We're out of glue.

You used up all the glue on purpose!

The old man stood quivering with fury...

stammering as he tried to come up with a real crusher.

All he got out was:

Not a finger!

With as much dignity as he could muster...

the old man gathered up the sad remains...

of his shattered major award.

Later that night, alone in the backyard...

he buried it next to the garage.

Now I could never be sure...

but I thought that I heard the sound of taps being played...

gently.

Know what I'm getting my old man for Christmas?

What?

A rose that squirts.

People come to smell it, it squirts them.

I'm getting my old man a Flit gun.

A Flit gun?

Stop right there!

Ordinarily, if Dill so much as said "hi" to you, you felt great...

warm inside. But mostly he just hit you in the mouth.

I can't now, Grover. I've gotta go see Miss Shields.

Hey, come here! Get over here!

Come on, you! Hey, come here!

You! Come here!

Who, me?

No, your Aunt Tilly.

Yeah, you. Get over here!

I left Flick to certain annihilation.

But BB gun mania knows no loyalties.

Uncle! Uncle!

All right, class.

I have your Christmas themes for you.

I'm pleased.

In general, you did very well.

However, I was disappointed in the margins.

This is it.

"C+"? No, it can't be.

C+?

C+!

Oh, no!

"You'll shoot your eye out"?

My mother must have gotten to Miss Shields.

There could be no other explanation.

You'll shoot your eye out. You'll shoot your eye out.

Was there no end to this conspiracy of irrational prejudice...

against Red Ryder and his peacemaker?

These multiplication questions were most missed in our last math test.

Would you answer in unison, please?

I was surrounded by happier kids who were all going to get...

what they wanted for Christmas.

...fifty-six.

Hey, four-eyes!

How'd you like your snowball sandwich?

Maybe you'd like another one!

Listen, jerk.

When I tell you to come, you better come!

What? Are you going to cry now?

Come on, cry baby, cry for me. Come on.

Cry!

Deep in the recesses of my brain...

a tiny red-hot little flame began to grow.

Something had happened.

A fuse blew and I had gone out of my skull.

I'm telling my dad!

Hey, Ralphie!

Beat him up! Beat him up!

Did you hear what he said?

I have since heard of people under...

extreme duress speaking in strange tongues.

I became conscious that a steady torrent of obscenities...

and swearing of all kinds was pouring out of me as I screamed.

Ralphie!

We're going home. Come on.

Calm down. Come on in here, Ralph.

Put your head down in here.

Come on, get down in here.

Settle down.

I want you to go in there and lie down in your room for a while.

Ralphie, just settle down.

Here, dry off.

All right, calm down.

All right. Now go lie down.

The light was getting purple and soft outside.

Almost time for my father to come home from work.

What's the matter? What you crying for?

Daddy's going to kill Ralphie.

No, he's not.

Yes, he is, too.

No, he's not.

I promise you Daddy is not going to kill Ralphie.

Why don't you come on out of there?

Would you like some milk?

You would?

Here you go.

All right?

I'll see you later? Okay. Bye.

I heard the car roar up the driveway, and a wave of terror broke over me.

He'll know what I said, the awful things that I said.

Get out of here!

Go on home, you mangy mutts. Get out of here, you rotten, filthy...

Hey, Bumpus!

Get over here and get your stinking dogs!

Hey, come on, what's for dinner? I'm starving to death.

Well, what happened today?

Where's your glasses?

Did you lose your glasses again?

Ralphie.

Remember, you left these on the radio again.

Now try not to do that anymore.

So what else happened today?

Nothing much.

Ralphie had a fight.

A fight?

What kind of a fight?

You know how boys are.

I gave him a talking to.

I see that the Bears are playing Green Bay on Sunday.

Oh, yeah.

Zudock's got tickets. I wish I had.

He'll freeze his keister off out there.

I slowly began to realize I was not about to be destroyed.

The Chicago Bears.

The terror of the midway.

From then on, things were different between me and my mother.

More like the Chicago Chipmunks, maybe.

But Bears, never.

Strange.

Even something as monumental as "The Scut Farkus Affair"...

as it came to be known...

was pushed out of my mind as I struggled for a way out...

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