A Christmas Story 2 Page #2

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The top was frayed,

the tires were almost shot.

As if any of this mattered.

For I was in the presence

of the greatest machine...

...ever to glide off an assembly line.

The apex of automobilia.

Holy jeez.

Phase two of the old man's scheme

was always the same.

He'd tell Hank it was time

to go home and think it over...

...let him sweat for a week or two.

And then, like jaguars

circling their hapless prey...

...we'd close in for the kill.

He's over-barrel this time, Ralphie boy.

We got him good.

Oh, you bet, Dad.

The Parker boys strike again.

Hey, you know what they say:

The acorn doesn't fall

far from the tree. Huh?

Huh?

Oh, the old man

was a veritable clich repository...

...never hesitating to haul out

one of life's tired truisms...

...for our edification.

You know what they say:

If you don't ask, you don't dance.

You know what they say:

Every dog has his day.

You know what they say:

If anything can go wrong, it will.

And one that I begged to differ with:

Lightning never strikes

the same place twice.

Fortunately, I had

the advantage of experience.

I already knew that planting seeds

into one's subconscious...

...was a delicate operation indeed.

You know, I heard that 31 percent

of American households...

...had second cars.

Careful. Don't tip your hand.

Not that we need one.

I just thought it was interesting.

Well, we are living

in prosperous times, I guess.

Oh, yeah, country's on a roll.

Sky's the limit. Ha-ha-ha.

Coach caught Mikey Witlin

eating his boogers in gym.

Still, when Dad's got a

road game in bowling

league or Aunt Clara and

uncle Bill are in town...

Randy, mouth closed when you chew.

Go on.

Heh. Nothing.

I just think it might be nice

to have some extra wheels around.

And maybe you could even get

your driver's license.

Oh, well done.

You know,

that is something to consider.

- What's that?

- Well, what Ralphie just said.

I mean, he is almost 16, right?

And we could...

Wait.

Wait.

Listen.

No. Not now. Anytime but now.

Aah!

It's a clinker!

Aha!

You are mine!

I guess we'll talk about it

some other time.

As the old man would say,

close, but no cigar.

Oh, how I loved band practice.

For 45 minutes, twice a week...

...Drucilla and I could be together.

Not face-to-face, but still close enough...

...to smell her

lavender-scented shampoo.

Someday, my beauty,

there'll be a veil upon that hair.

And I'll lift it, so our lips can meet...

...as they pronounce us man and wife.

A little less holiday spirit, Mr. Parker.

From the top, people.

One, two, one, two.

At least there was one beauty

I had a chance of winning.

One look at my magnificent Merc...

...and the guys would surely be able

to fathom my pangs of longing.

And here's the beauty part.

It's the most gorgeous ride

on the lot, and nobody cares.

Nobody?

No one's paying attention.

She's gathering dust.

I could pick it up for a song, I know it.

Uh, green, right?

Yes. I'm calling her Emerald Express.

Yeah, who wouldn't want that beauty?

But it was in the garage. It was dirty.

Uh, guess he washed it.

Must have a hose somewhere.

Uh, maybe you can borrow it

to hang yourself.

There it was. Taunting me.

Deal of the day

could only mean one thing.

At any moment, hundreds of buyers

would stampede down Hohman Avenue...

...begging to be the first one

to hurl a checkbook at Hank.

Pay to the order of "ruin my life."

Hate to break it to you, chief...

...but wanting and owning

are two different things.

I'd say he had got

a better chance with Drucilla.

- You think it's open?

- Why?

I wanna see what it's like

behind the wheel. Just once.

You kidding? The guy's inside,

you'll get in trouble.

Hey, my dad's like royalty here.

He just sent us a calendar.

Take them. Come on, Schwartz,

take them.

Oh, fine.

Split-bench leather seat...

...Quadra-Coil suspension,

hydraulic brakes.

No. No sense torturing myself.

It was time to say my goodbyes.

So long, old girl.

Got something here, just came in.

Ralph. Ralph.

Absolute mint condition.

Oh. uh...

Hal, this Merc's

got your name written all over it.

Sweet jeepers,

just took it in on the tray.

Hi, kids. How's it going?

Great, take it somewhere else.

Cross my heart.

A grandmother from Muncie.

I guarantee she never took it over 20.

- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Oh, my God!

Unh. Unh!

Oh!

Whoa! Move out!

Oh!

Is he all right?

My first test drive.

How'd I do?

Oh...

...fudge!

Yeah, actually it's been

a pretty good year.

Well, until the Three Stooges turned up.

Yeah, ha-ha-ha. You too.

It's only because I go back with your

father I'm not bringing the cops into this.

I could help you close a deal with him

on that Olds. I mean, he really wants it.

We were just trying

to soften you up a little.

Oh, the people you'll stab in the back...

...when you're trying to save

your own skin.

What, you don't think I know that?

"Back seat's a little tight, Dad."

You two have been

trying to pull that since you could walk.

Eighty-five bucks. Cash.

What?

- That's what a new top costs.

- They can have it here next week.

- I can't get $85 by then.

- Well, when do you think you can get it?

- Well, 1970 seems realistic.

- Okay, that's it, I'm calling.

- No!

I will have it. All of it.

No, you won't. You'll never get that much.

You don't say that in front of him.

My friends underestimate the depth of

my resolve and my resourcefulness.

I like this kid.

Determination.

That's what gets things done.

So you get this done by Christmas Eve...

...or the only thing coming down

your chimney this year will be the cops.

It was times like this when you found out

who your friends were.

The treaty that formed NATO

hadn't even been thought of yet.

But on that day,

three young men from lndiana...

...had already formulated

its founding principle:

An attack on one is an attack on all.

This is X-5 to base.

I'm initiating reconnaissance

of General Kotar's evil lair.

Over and out.

Nineteen dollars and six cents.

Well, that's peachy.

- I put in 10, Schwartz. How about you?

- An entire roll of nickels.

That's two bucks, Rockefeller.

Why you barking at me?

I'm not the one that wrecked a car.

Only part of it.

And I wasn't even driving.

So what? You still owe the guy, don't you?

What's most important, Ralph,

is that we...

We are all...

- And come on in, Randy.

- Oh!

Ralphie wrecked a car? Neat-o!

I swear, you rat him out, I will show you

what you look like on the inside.

I swear, if you tell Mom and Dad, I will...

uh, nobody's ratting out nobody.

But he's right.

Someone's gotta pay Hank.

Oh, no. Uh-uh.

I know where this is going.

You gotta tell him.

- No, I don't.

- What, tell who?

His old man.

Give me two minutes,

I want a running start. Ha-ha-ha.

Forget it, Flick. Last week,

I dropped a bottle of Dr. Pepper...

...and he almost took my head off

for blowing the deposit.

- You want me to ask him for 85 bucks?

- Why not?

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