A Christmas Story 2 Page #3

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Jingle bells.

Listen to him. He's all jingly.

Jingle all the way.

- Ha!

- Yeah, chin up, buddy.

We're right here with you.

Yeah, great.

He'll take your heads off too.

Uh, maybe we shouldn't

get involved.

- You know, it's a family matter and all.

- There's no choice, Ralph.

There's tons of choices.

I could, uh...

I could lay low at your house

for a couple of months.

Or I can, uh... Hey, we'll join the Navy.

I could join the Navy.

Or I can... I can change my name

and grow a beard.

Maybe not now, but soon.

Or I can, uh... I can...

- I can't feel my legs.

- Whoa.

That's it. Easy.

So long, kid.

Are you sorry for your sins in your life...

...and do you wish for absolution, my son?

Dead kid walking.

Go out like a man!

No.

No.

No! No, please!

Please, please!

No!

Over the fields we go

Ha, ha, ha, laughing all the way.

Hey, how's it going?

Okay, I guess.

Won't know till we plug them in.

If one of these bulbs is bad,

it makes the whole strand worthless.

Heh. Well, you know what they say:

One bad apple, right?

Yeah, that's a good one, Dad.

A perennial.

I was thinking

maybe we could sort of talk.

You can always talk to me,

Ralph, you know that.

Good.

Could I help you with anything?

Hold the ladder? Mow the lawn?

Uh-oh. I know what that means.

- You do?

- Sure.

It means you need a little extra dough

for Christmas, right?

Sure do.

Well, you're lucky.

I'm feeling extravagant tonight.

Yeah. Why don't you get

something nice for your mother?

Huh? Like perfume or a scarf.

From you and Randy.

I'll give you a buck.

I'll give you 2! Huh? Heh, heh.

Thanks, Dad. That's swell.

Could I have 83 more?

Why?

What?

No way.

No way on God's green earth.

But, Dad, he wants to put me in jail.

Please, I will pay you back double.

Well, you're not gonna have to.

Because there's no way

you're getting it from me!

I could give you the money,

but what would that teach you?

- How generous you are.

- No, no, no.

No kid of mine is growing up thinking...

...that he can get somebody else

to buy his way out of a scrape.

You need some money?

You figure out a way

to come up with some.

Hey, you know what they say:

You give a man a fish

and he'll eat for a day.

Teach a man to fish, he'll eat...

...forever.

Well, just so you know...

...I'm pretty sure any prison stretch

would be minimal.

And if you got on a chain gang...

...you wouldn't have to sit

in your cell all day. Heh-heh-heh.

Wouldn't hurt to ask.

Wait a second.

It's Christmas, right?

Higbee's will hire anybody on Christmas.

We'll go tomorrow.

That's the ticket, guys. Getting jobs.

We'll work our butts off,

12 hours a day.

- Twelve hours a day? I can't wait!

- Yes!

Hank was right.

Determination got things done.

I'd be the kind of part-time holiday help

that legends are made of.

My fellow Americans...

...we are here today to honor

an exceptional young man.

Ralph Parker, once again,

you have set the gold standard...

...for your thousands

of fellow workers to follow.

Please accept this token

of your country's esteem...

...and my personal congratulations.

Thank you, Mr. President.

Drucilla.

Oh!

Bravo!

No! Don't you dare.

Is everything all right, dear?

In the words of boxing great

Jack Dempsey...

...a champion is someone who gets up...

...even when he can't.

Oh, honey.

What am I doing looking for another car?

When what really needs

to be tossed onto the junk heap...

...is that worthless hunk of iron

in the basement!

Friggin'...

Yep. Thing's pretty much on its last legs.

Looks like it came with the house.

It was here when dinosaurs

roamed the Earth.

- The house came later.

- Ha-ha-ha.

So, what'd you have in mind?

We got a sale

on the new forced-air models.

- Ooh.

- Some pretty good prices.

All right. I'm listening.

And good day to you, sir.

If you change your mind, sir,

we're in the book.

Ow!

Would you forget about the furnace?

Hiya, Mrs. Parker.

That time of year again, huh?

I know someone who's pretty excited.

Ha, ha. Been tasting it since October,

has he? Ha, ha.

Well, I saved a special one for you,

nice and plump.

Hang on.

Three-hundred ninety dollars

for a furnace.

What kind of mutton-headed chump

does he take me for?

- He seemed pretty honest to me.

- He's a quack-salver.

Telling me about furnaces.

He doesn't think I know about furnaces?

- I know about furnaces.

- You know how to swear at them.

Yeah, and I know how to

buy them too, okay?

Here's your Christmas turkey, Mr. Parker.

Ha, ha.

- You folks enjoy now.

- Thank you.

If I can pick up a good used car, I can

certainly pick up a good used furnace...

...and you can take that to the...

I'm sorry, what is this?

A serial number or something?

No, no. That's the price.

No, that's a mistake. It has to be.

Uh, no, sir, 40 cents a pound.

We can go now, dear.

- Oh, but... But that's ours.

- No.

That was ours.

Now that's somebody else's.

- We're not paying for that.

- But you love turkey.

You dream about turkey.

Forty cents a pound? Hell, why not 50?

Why not a whole dollar?

Huh? Why not I just open up my wallet

and dump it out on the floor?

How about a nice pot roast?

Yeah? What's that gonna set me back?

A couple of house payments? No, thank you.

Sorry, George.

Cheapskate.

Wait... Listen to me.

We do this once a year. Once.

- The drumsticks, the giblets.

- Forty.

- Four, zero.

- We use it in sandwiches.

We make turkey salad, chili, soup.

It never stops giving.

Oh, honey, it's Christmas. Let it go.

I can't. No.

There is no way this family is getting

suckered by this meat packer!

All right, then. What are we supposed to

eat on Christmas Eve? Tell me that.

- Ice fishing? Ice fishing?

- It's gonna save us a fortune.

- Fish for Christmas.

- Well, why not?

The folks up the street

have fish every year.

- The Ragos are Italian.

- Hohman Lake is crawling with perch.

Christ, they're practically gonna

leap through the hole all on their own...

...and drive you home to boot. Heh.

Hey, little buddy. What do you say

this year, we go out...

...and we catch us

our Christmas dinner, huh?

How about that for some holiday fun?

This couldn't possibly end well.

Every Christmas,

downtown Hohman was transformed...

...into a sea of humanity.

Motley hordes of blue-jowled

foundry workers...

...and gray-faced refinery men...

...trudging through wildly

pulsing department stores...

...trailed by millions of leatherette-jacketed,

high-topped, mufflered kids...

...each with a gnawing hunger

to get it all.

And there we were,

in the heart of the action.

We landed on the beachhead

known as the Personnel Department.

And there were three bowties

with our names on them.

- Now, follow me.

- We were drafted...

...and consigned uniforms

without benefit of a physical.

Fresh reinforcements

in the trenches of retaildom...

...doing our part to grease

the wheels of commerce.

It was an honor to serve.

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