A Damsel in Distress Page #7

It's a very interesting experience.

Going great, then all of a sudden,

the bottom drops out of the world.

Albert, my boy,

we were misinformed.

Huh? I mean regarding

the state of Lady Alyce's feelings.

You were mistaken, Father

was mistaken, I was mistaken.

Now I find she was mistaken.

She does not love me.

Did she say so?

She did and in no uncertain terms.

Shall I tell you something, mister?

Yes, my boy.

Make it funny - I need a laugh.

You aren't the first to have this

happen. She does it to all boys.

Well, that's some consolation.

Toodle-oo.

Albert?

Well, my little man.

I've got some good news for you.

Thank you, Mr Keggs. I'm going to

give you back your original ticket.

That's fair enough, isn't it? But

I don't want Mr Halliday! You do.

Or would you like me to remember

that I caught you eavesdropping?

Thank you. Thank you.

Ahem!

Well, um...now how are you

getting along? Oh, just wonderful.

Reggie made up his mind. Good.

I don't know if she'll have me.

Why don't you ask her?

You always ask a girl first.

I don't know how to do these things

gracefully. Maybe I can help.

Just sit right down. Right there.

That's it.

Now, I sit on your lap like this.

Gracie, you sit right there.

Oh, isn't this fun? This is fun.

Well, now,

just carry on from there.

Well, um...

now that that's over with,

will you marry me? Yes.

Did you say marry YOU?

Yes.

Well, certainly.

Well, um...

Thank you.

Thank you.

George!

Yes? We've just become engaged.

What do we do now? A little kiss?

Oh, I'd be glad to.

Would you play this, please?

It's a request.

Certainly, Albert.

ORCHESTRA PLAYS A GENTLE TUNE

# Ah... #

Good evening, sir.

HE SINGS TUNELESSLY

HIS VOICE GET LOUDER AND DEEPER

HE SINGS DRAMATICALLY

SINGING PAUSES:

MUSIC AND SINGING

BUILD TO A CRESCENDO

ORCHESTRA PLAYS SEDATE MUSIC

Good evening, sir.

I asked you not to let him in.

You change your mind so often,

I thought I'd make it up for you.

I believe you're moonstruck.

Your poor mother always got

very eccentric around a full moon.

Used to write poetry about elves

and gnomes and things.

Father, would you mind

if we didn't dance any more?

I've got a headache.

I'm going to my room.

Stop it.

Who me? Yes, you.

Letting the girl you love walk past

you with no effort to stop her.

The spirit of Leonard! Pah!

Well, I couldn't make a flying

tackle, could I? I don't love her!

Nonsense! Of course you love her.

I suppose she said she doesn't love you.

My dear boy!

Her mother told me that

a hundred times!

And you married her?

Well, you see, I, um...

Of course I married her.

At St George's, Hanover Square.

In a dashed tight pair of trousers,

I remember.

If it isn't too personal,

how did you convince her?

By being firm, dash it!

Firm! Resolute! Ruthless!

Oh, hello. Hello, John.

Alyce is just like her mother -

always changing her mind.

First the ski-jumper, then you. In

my case it was a skating instructor.

He was the most conceited,

arrogant, supercilious...

Oh, I'm sorry. ..What I'm driving

at is Alyce needs a lesson,

just as her mother did, and I gave

it to her. I dashed to her room

and I said,

"Emmeline, I mean business."

Oh, I see.

You'll find her

in the sitting room now.

Though you may not

imagine it, my boy,

I had a reputation of being

quite a fellow with the ladies.

I can tell you an episode with a

tobacconist's assistant that, um...

Well, that's neither here

nor there. Go to her.

And I'm glad

I've not been too subtle.

Oh, um...do you think Lady Caroline

will approve of this?

Never you mind about Caroline. You

do your part, I'll take care of her.

Right-ho.

Oh, Thomas?

Yes, m'lord. Find Lady Caroline.

Tell her to see me in the library.

It's important. Very good, m'lord.

KNOCK AT DOOR:

Who's there? Opportunity.

And it only knocks once.

What are you doing here?

I shall need time to explain.

And also a little privacy.

Palma, stay here.

Palma, go.

Go! Oh!

This is much better. You and I,

here alone. Get out of here.

Oh, no.

I mean business!

I demand that you leave immediately.

I'm not the kind of fellow

to be led on and then pushed aside,

just another one of those fish you've

caught, reeled up and then given a slap.

This time, the fish jumps

out of the water and bites YOU!

Are you mad?

Yes. About you. I'm like

the Northwest Mounted Police.

I always get my girl.

Get out of here. Oh, anger makes you

even more beautiful, Alyce.

I imagine you'll be interesting,

after I get to know you. Oh!

What do you expect

to accomplish by this?

You're the sort of girl who has

to have her mind made up for her.

And I am going to bend you

to my will.

I see. It ought

to make a good story for the papers.

You...you wine press!

Wine press?

Beneath whose feet, women's hearts

are crushed like grapes in a wine press.

Where did you get that? I read it.

In a newspaper? Yes. Oh!

And despite the fact that

it might spoil your publicity,

I'm not going to be number 28.

Oh...this is the reason

you changed your mind about me.

Yes.

Well, it's entirely untrue

and not one of these women exists,

except in his horrible imagination.

Whose?

That wine-press agent of mine!

The idiot!

Oh, Alyce. I can't tell you how

sorry I am you've been in this.

Number 28!

Well, I wouldn't have minded

being number 28,

if it weren't for the other 27.

I beg your pardon, m'lady.

What is it?

Something very odd

in Lady Alyce's room.

Quite. I understand.

You can go, Palma.

Well, go, go, go!

You see.

In half an hour, it'll be all over

the house. What ARE we to do?

There's never been a scandal

in Tottney Castle.

If I remember correctly, 150 years ago,

Lord Leonard was seen slipping

into Lady Marshmoreton's room.

It had quite slipped my memory.

Oh!

Don't you recollect, John?

They subsequently married.

Do you seriously suggest Alyce should

marry that awful bounder Halliday?

Of course!

There's nothing else to do,

otherwise we'll be centuries

living down this scandal.

Come, John. We will act.

Now, how will we break

the good news to Aunt Caroline?

Father ought to tell her

after we tell him. Father!

Yes, he doesn't believe in letting

boy scouts do all the good deeds,

this is his chance. Good old Father!

KNOCK AT DOOR:

Alyce! Open the door, please.

She mustn't find you. It'll ruin

everything. But we're to be married.

Yes, but if she finds you, she won't

understand and we'll never marry.

Alyce! Open the door, please.

W-Well, what can I do? Hide?

You can't, they'll find you. Alyce!

Alyce!

What shall I do? Do it again.

Do what again?

The leap. Leonard's Leap.

Leap? Yes!

Oh. Oh!

Of course, the leap.

But isn't there some other way

that we could...

Hurry! Hurry!

This one out here? Yes, that one.

KNOCKING CONTINUES

Oh, you mean over here?

Yes! Hurry!

Wait!

He's done it again. What a man!

Young man, come back.

Are you all right? Come back.

Into the house. Me?

You ought to be ashamed of yourself,

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