A Date for Mad Mary

1

The things you need to know

about Charlene.

Me and her have been thick as thieves

since we were nine.

Since we met in third class.

What to say about her?

Charlene is loyal...

And honest and a very good person.

She's a kind of girl that,

if you're friends with her,

she'll always have your back.

Not just from when fights break out but

like with small things as well.

I suppose what I'm trying to say is

that she's kind-hearted.

As most of you's know already.

Mary?

- See ya.

- See ya, sweetheart.

See ya, Mary.

This train is serving

all stations to Drogheda,

all stations to Drogheda.

F*** sake.

Come on!

About f***in' time.

We missed ya.

Yeah, right.

Ya know we did.

What time is Charlene coming over?

She said she's up to her eyes. She'll

see ya at the fitting in the morning.

She hasn't seen me in six months.

Be nice to her, Mary.

She stood by ya this past while.

A lot of them didn't, all right?

There's a picture of her dress on me phone.

Who's the other bridesmaid?

Leona.

Like to see that fat c*nt fit into a dress.

She lost the weight.

I'm sure she'll find it again.

Mary!

What, Mother?

Just be nice, will ya?

Come on.

Hello and welcome

to a special episode of Crossfire,

where four well known personalities

must avoid getting...

All right?

There's a load of Polish after

movin' in next door.

Hi, this is Charlene.

Leave a message.

Hey, it's me.

What's the story?

Thought we were meant

to be going out tonight.

If I have to spend my first night

of freedom in with me ma and nan,

I'll actually poke me eyes out.

So hurry up and get back to me.

Bye!

I was waitin' here for an hour last week.

F*** sake.

Come on, let's take

it easy there, please.

Maybe we should get a few cans,

head off somewhere else.

What are you staring at, sweet cheeks?

- Sorry, what?

- "Sorry, what"?

I said, what are you staring at?

Do you want your go or somethin'?

I'll f***in' slap the Day-Glo tits off her.

Hound.

All right and now we got the f***in' rat.

Mary, I'm gonna have to ask you

to step outside.

I didn't do anything.

- Don't even put your hands on me.

- Calm down.

- I didn't do anything. What did I...

- Calm down.

- Tell me what I did.

- You where hassling that girl.

How could I hass...

She's the one staring at me out of it.

- Pikin' me out of it.

- Will you just walk please?

Oh, you's are f***in' fools in here.

You're after making a f***in' show of me.

I'll ask you to step outside.

You know what, I'd advise yous all

to f*** off out of here.

Run by c*nts, absolute c*nts.

Don't mind her.

All f***in' knackers.

Just go home, Mary.

The things ya need to know

about Charlene.

When me and her were in school,

all the other girls

would have stayed away from us.

This is cos they knew we were tough.

And if they said anything smart

they were gonna get a slap.

We didn't care though.

Cos the only people we ever wanted

to hang out with was each other.

Gorgeous.

- Do you think the length is OK?

- Perfect for dancing...

- Yeah?

- ...once you wear those shoes.

- Are you definite on this?

- Mmm, I'm not sure.

Well, there's actually a

bustle at the back

- that you can hook up and...

- Alright,

- Makes it easier for dancing.

- Great.

- OK.

- Sorry, can I help you?

Hey.

Hey.

Come here.

Oh, careful.

Em, this is Sally, the dressmaker.

This is Mary, my maid of honour.

- Hey, Mary.

- And you remember Leona, don't you?

Yeah.

- Will you lift that up there for me?

- Yeah.

- That's perfect, Sally.

- OK.

Isn't she gorgeous?

What're you wearing?

What are you wearing?

What do you mean?

It looks like a little tablecloth.

Jesus, Mary.

What?

You smell of booze.

Yeah, well, I thought we were meant

to go out last night.

Yeah, sorry.

Just been a bit mad with all of this.

Missed ya.

Here, hold that.

I got you this.

- What's this for?

- You've to make a speech at the weddin',

...and just with your accent.

I've the same accent as you.

What're you laughin' at?

Nothin'.

Nothin' is right.

Laugh at me again and watch what happens.

Excuse me, do you realise

you're actually the maid of honour?

It is your duty to the bride

to turn up for fittings on time

and to organise everyone on the day

and show up with a nice fella

that matches your dress.

What's that mean?

Mary.

I wouldn't worry about her

turnin' up with a fella, Sally.

Chance'll be a fine thing.

Think I can get a fella quicker

than you, Leona.

And how'd you work that one out'?

I've been with the same chap

the past five years.

Who?

Seamus McCrory.

- Who?

- He was the year behind us in school.

The little midget who used to do football

in his underpants, him?

That was f***in' years ago, Mary.

People don't forget, Leona.

Yeah, well, at least I

have a f***in' boyfriend.

I wouldn't touch him with yours.

You're not even getting a plus one.

Charlene has given it to Declan's cousin.

Jesus Christ! You think we could

focus on me for a while now?

Come here, what was it like?

Would have been nice to hear from you.

Said you didn't want visitors.

You could have wrote, like.

You should have told me, like...

Where the f*** is he?

Just text him and tell him

we're goin' drinkin'.

- No.

- Please?

No!

Why not?

Cos the wedding is this day, three weeks,

and I've f***in' a hundred

and one things to be doin'.

How come I didn't get a plus one?

Cos the plates are like 60 quid.

Everyone you know is gonna be there.

What?

Nothin'.

Sap.

- You're a sap.

- You're a sap.

There he is now, look.

Right, this is for you.

Now, are you sure you're OK doin' all this?

Cos I can get Leona to help if you want.

Right, OK, cool?

- Call you later, right?

- Yeah.

So, basically,

if you punch in something wrong

you just hit void and start again, OK?

It's a piece of piss, really.

Just ask Udel if you need

anything, all right?

I'm on the same shift as you tomorrow.

So I'll see you then, yeah?

OK.

- Thanks.

- No bother.

- Where are you from yourself'?

- Nigeria.

Do you have a girlfriend?

- I have a wife.

- Oh.

I knew the first night I met Declan,

that he was the one for Charlene.

He was a kind-hearted bloke.

And a nice man.

Plus, he bought the two of us loads

of drinks, so that was cool.

Char was always the confident one

with fellas.

Whereas with me,

I never really bothered that much

cos I think most fellas from Drogheda

are all dopes.

No offence, to any of ya's

here tonight, though.

It's sh*t around here now.

Everything's changed.

You're still selling gear?

Nah...

I'm working as a postman.

Your da set that up?

Yeah. Nice one, da.

Do you wanna go on a date sometime?

What?

A date.

Why?

I don't know.

We never did that.

- So?

- Maybe we should.

- For the laugh.

- What are you on about?

I suppose.

Any interest in goin' to a weddin', no?

I'll see ya around, yeah?

Yeah.

Dates.

No matter how great life is,

it's always better when you have

someone special to share it with.

Here at Cupid's Arrow,

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