A Date with Miss Fortune Page #4

On top, huh?

You better believe it.

How come we always enter

through the back door?

Because we never use the

front entrance of our house.

Why not?

Because then it would get dirty.

C'mon.

I got this.

Marco!

Dinner!

Hey.

Hey.

You're most susceptible to

the devil when you yawn.

Mom stopped him.

Right on.

Homemade Portuguese wine is

the best wine in the world.

Jose, you missed someone.

That's okay.

I'm not a big drinker.

You no like Portuguese wine?!

No, no.

I do.

I just wanted you to know that I,

that I don't have a drinking

problem or anything.

So, Jack, Maria tells us

that you write funny tv.

But what do you do for a living?

Uhh well, that's it.

I'm a... I'm a writer.

I write sitcoms for a living.

Jack created the show "My Two D*cks"?

Sweet!!!

Detectives.

My Two Detectives.

Writing is not a job.

Have you thought about construction?

You need a real job to support a family.

Jose, what did we talk about?

I'm being nice.

Right, Jack?

Why don't you tell us what

you know about Portugal.

Dad?

Let him answer, badger.

Well I umm...

This should be good.

I didn't realize this would be on the test.

To be honest, I don't know too much, sir.

All I know is that Portugal's

a very small country...

So they must have very small people

so they can all fit in it.

Not that you're small sir.

You are a good size.

But one thing is for certain.

Portugal's number one export

must be beautiful women.

Maria, Avo...

Uhh, Mrs. Moniz.

Mr. Moniz, you are a lucky man!

Lucky that I'm not ten years older.

That's some uh, good

Portuguese genes right there

and I'd love to get in on that action.

I mean, have beautiful

Portuguese children one day,

with your daughter, not your wife.

That would be wildly inappropriate.

Is this another one of your jokes, Jack?

Jesus Christ, no.

Jack.

Oh, goddamnit.

Jack!

Did you know that five hundred years ago

Portugal conquered eighty

percent of the globe?!

Now how could such a small

country have so much power?

Because they are strong and smart?

That's right!

Hey Marco, take Jack to your

room and show him the old map!!

Right now before dinner.

Do I have to?

If you're not out of

here in five seconds...

Dad.

How could you give up

such a nice Portuguese doctor for this?

Jose, please.

I will not please Anna!

Someone in this family has

to talk some sense to her!

Maria.

You two don't belong together.

You're too different.

Can't you see?

I mean, he will never understand us.

Daddy, I love him.

You only think you do, I can

find you a better match.

Trust me.

How could you?!

The silence must have been killing you!

You get asked a simple

question about Portugal,

and you answer it by insulting my dad

and then hitting on my mom?!

You know your dad makes me very nervous.

And your mom...

Well it was meant as a compliment.

It was creepy!

Why didn't you just talk about backpacking

through Europe, Jack?

Wait, you have been to Europe, right?

I'm so sorry.

Oh my god, you lied to me?!

I was trying to impress you!

I got caught up.

"We've only have this one world,

we should try and experience it"?!!

Have you even been to India?!

Indiana?

I'm so sorry.

I swear it's the only thing

I've ever fibbed about

and I am so sorry Maria.

For lying and embarrassing you.

I'm gonna make this up to you, Maria.

I promise.

I'm gonna show yourfamily the real Jack.

Please don't.

Space Bar, it's like "Cheers" in space???

Do you hate me?

It was just an idea.

I've got others.

I've read the others!

We're screwed, Jack.

Our pitch is at the end of the month

and your only solution is to

reboot 80's sitcoms in space!!

I mean, you're the concept guy.

The hell you been doing with your time?

I've been hashing out some new concepts.

Right.

It's been a little rocky

on the home front lately.

How long have we been friends?

Forever.

Mhm.

You know I'd push someone so

they'd take a bullet for you,

right?

Yeah.

Right so, prioritize us, Jack.

We are running out of time.

Tick, tick, tick.

Look Maria's a really great person,

but dude, it's not your first rodeo.

Engagement?

Tomato.

The point is, girls come and go,

but I have always been there for you.

So stop being a b*tch and

give me a decent pitch.

Hey, Wilson.

How's the writing going?

Peachy.

Hey babe, where are you going?

Uhh, just gonna get some

fresh cod fish for dinner.

See ya later.

Yeah, see ya later.

Stupid love brain.

Jack!

Jack!

You said you cleaned the

bottom of the cupboards.

I did.

Well then you don't know the

difference between clean

and Portuguese clean.

My Av will white glove us, Jack.

Did you dust the tops of

the kitchen cupboards?

She could never reach.

Never under estimate an

old Portuguese woman

looking for dirt.

Fine!

Did you clean the bathroom?!

Yes!

And did you take out the bathroom garbage?!

Yes!

Do we always have to shout at each other?!

What?!

Never mind.

What?!

I said, never mind!

I'm turning into one of them.

Jack, I didn't know you spoke Portuguese?

He's been learning.

We know his English wasn't working.

Well, I'm very impressed, Jack.

Did you know that it was

a Portuguese priest

who pioneered solar panels?

And that it was a Portuguese doctor

who invented the lobotomy?

Why?

You in the market?

I can be funny too right?

Jose.

Ah, I wish Sporting was

playing that's my team.

You like Sporting?

Yeah, I'd like them a lot better

if they had Cristiano Ronaldo!

Ronaldinhu!!!!

Maybe this guy's not so bad, Maria.

Ronaldo!!!!

It's going good!

Jack, what's in his mouth?

He's got a condom.

Oh my god.

Hey, nobody wants this.

Mom, coffee?

Dad, some more wine?

Oh yeah, sorry!

Give it to me.

Give it to me,

Mom, dad?

Good doggy.

Good doggy.

You want a cookie?

Yeah, you want a cookie?

Maria get him a cookie!!!

Here, Mr. Bojangles.

Come, come.

Mamas got a biscuit.

It's peanut butter, your favorite.

I thought Mr. Bojangles was fixed.

Bojangles totally threw me under the bus.

Oh no, no, no, no, no.

Do not blame Mr. Bojangles!

I specifically asked you if you

threw out the bathroom garbage.

And you said "Yes"!

I thought I had.

I'm sorry.

Maria?

Go to sleep.

What, you don't even know

what I was going to ask.

The answer's "no" to all of your questions.

I just you know I just think

it's been a while since...

Since what?

Since I got to visit Area 51.

I've heard rumors about it.

Ow!

You don't have to practice

being in a bad mood, you know.

'Cause you're like a professional!

Jack?

Jack?

Jack, did you takeout the garbage?

Maria, I'm working!

Let go, Maria.

It was never meant to be.

Well if Seora Maria says

it, it must be true!!

For once in your life, can you be serious?

Can you not make your stupid little jokes?!

Only if you can speak English.

Blah, pish, blah, pish,

That's all I ever hear.

It's like listening to the dishwasher!

Excuse me for being bilingual!

Excuse me for having a sense of humor!

Seora Maria said this would happen.

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