A Day at the Races Page #2

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your new chief of staff.

And now, doctor,

I'd like you to meet Miss Standish.

Oh, doctor.

Doctor.

Just a moment,

while I calm these paralytics.

Oh, dear. Doctor.

Doctor, this is Miss Standish,

owner of the sanitarium.

- How do you do, Miss Standish?

- How do you do?

You're the prettiest owner

of a sanitarium I've ever seen.

- Thank you.

- You have a charming place here.

I knew your mother very well.

I'll let you in on a little secret.

Many, many years ago,

in the dear, dim past...

...I proposed to your mother.

- But that's my father.

- No wonder he turned me down.

Now, doctor, I'd like you

to meet your new associates.

Johnson, Bellevue Hospital, 1918.

Franco, Johns Hopkins, '22.

- Wilmerding, Mayo brothers, '24.

- Dodge brothers, late '29.

Doctor, I'm happy to welcome

you as chief of staff.

I hope you'll be able to pull

the sanitarium out of its difficulties.

The sanitarium's having

a little financial trouble.

I get it. I'm not gonna get paid.

So long! Take it away!

Oh, no, no, no.

Doctor, please don't go.

- I'll take care of your salary.

- Oh, yeah?

The last job I had,

I had to take it out in trade.

And this is no butcher shop.

Not yet anyhow.

Judy, it seems to me,

if I may say so...

...we are making rather

a hasty decision.

Surely you don't question

the doctor's ability.

No. Not exactly.

But running a sanitarium calls

for a man with peculiar talents.

I've got the most peculiar talents

of any doctor you ever met.

I'm satisfied with Mrs. Upjohn's

recommendations.

If you'll excuse me, I'll go

and bring in the rest of the staff.

Why don't you go out and bring in

something. Preferably your resignation.

Tell me, Dr. Hackenbush...

...just what was your medical

background?

- Medically?

- Yes.

Well, at the age of 15, I got a job

in a drugstore filling prescriptions.

Don't you have to be 21

to fill prescriptions?

Well, that's for grownups.

I just filled them for children.

No, no, doctor.

I mean, where did you get your training

as a physician?

Oh, well, to begin with,

I took four years at Vassar.

- Vassar? But that's a girls' college.

- I found that out the third year.

I'd have been there yet, but I went out

for the swimming team.

The doctor seems reluctant

to discuss his medical experiences.

Well, medically, my experiences

have been most unexciting.

- Except during the flu epidemic.

- And what happened?

I got the flu.

- Oh, doctor, I think it's time for my pill.

- Lx-nay on the ill-pay.

Now, you told me

to take them regularly.

Just a minute, Mrs. Upjohn.

- That looks like a horse pill to me.

- Oh, you've taken them before?

- You sure you haven't made a mistake?

- You have nothing to worry about.

The last patient I gave one of those to

won the Kentucky Derby.

May I examine this, please?

Do you actually give those

to your patients?

Isn't that awfully large for a pill?

It was too small for a basketball,

and I didn't know what to do with it.

Say, you're awfully large

for a pill yourself.

Dr. Wilmerding...

...just what is your opinion?

It must take a lot of water

to swallow that.

Nonsense. You can swallow that

with 5 gallons.

Isn't that a lot of water

for a patient to take?

Not if the patient

has a bridge in her mouth.

The water flows under, the patient walks

over and meets the pill on the other side.

So it's war!

I'm off to the battlefield!

No, that's from the racetrack.

- Racetrack? Well, what am I doing here?

- Oh, doctor, don't leave me!

Well, you won it, Stuffy.

Nice work, Stuffy.

I told you to lose that race.

Stuffy, where are you? Where's Stuffy?

Did you see my jockey?

Whoa. Please, Mr. Morgan,

don't stay here.

You ought to beat the head

off that ornery devil!

Well, he only acts this way

when he sees or hears you.

I should have plugged that nag

when I owned him.

Please, Mr. Morgan,

don't stay here.

Calm down. He's gone now.

That's a boy.

You better stay out of Morgan's way

for a while.

Get your ice cream.

Get your tootsie-fruitsie ice cream.

Stuffy!

Hey, get out of there.

Hey, that was some ride

you put up.

I had 5 bucks right

on the nose.

I won 60 cents. Yeah.

Who you riding tomorrow?

What's the matter? What happened?

You're fired?

Oh, Morgan fired you, huh?

- He wanted you to throw the race?

- He wanted Stuffy to be crooked, eh?

You know he's honest.

He's honest, but you gotta

watch him a little.

Gil, why don't you give Stuffy a job.

Let him ride Hi Hat.

We can't afford a jockey. We haven't

enough money to eat on ourselves.

Eat, eat, eat. All the time eat.

We don't have to eat. I'll eat.

- Hey, you.

- Hello, sheriff.

- Have you got the money for the feed bill?

- You see...

You guys have been stalling me

for weeks.

Either I get some money right now,

or I'm taking Hi Hat.

Wait, wait.

I'll give you some money.

There you are.

Five dollars? That's not enough.

Come on. Well?

All right, all right.

I've got some more. Just...

There you are.

That makes 10. Chicken feed.

Come on, you've got some more.

Yeah, but it's hard to get at,

you know?

- Come on, come on.

- All right. Don't hurry.

I've got it someplace.

I know it's someplace.

Here. I knew it was someplace.

Well, that's 15.

Have you got any more?

- I'll let you know in a minute.

- Quit stalling. Come on, hurry.

All right, I've got some more,

but I can't hurry.

Hey, what are you doing? Cut it...

Get up. What is this? Cut it...

What are you trying to do?

Get up.

Here! Come back here!

Well, that's fine. Now we owe

the sheriff $ 120 and a sock.

It's a good thing Judy doesn't have

to depend on me.

- I can't even hold on to the horse.

- No? Well, we hold on to the horse.

Say, if we only had some dough.

I got a tip on Sun-Up.

Sun-Up? He's in the next race!

We don't got much time!

Hey, wait! What are we gonna use

for money?

Hey! What are you doing,

you crazy kook, you?

Hey, look, look!

Sun-Up, he's 10-to-1.

Oh, boy, are we gonna clean up,

10-to-1.

- We haven't any money to bet.

- Don't worry. I get us some money.

I find a sucker someplace.

Scram. I think I see a sucker coming now.

Get out of here.

Get your ice cream.

Two dollars on Sun-Up.

Hey. Hey, boss. Boss, come here.

You want something hot?

Not now. I just had lunch.

Anyhow, I don't like hot ice cream.

Hey, come here. I no sell ice cream.

That's fake to fool the police.

I sell tips on the horses. I got something

today can't lose. One dollar.

No. Some other time. I'm sorry.

I'm betting on Sun-Up. Some other time.

- Two dollars on Sun-Up.

- Hey, boss. Hey. Come here.

Sun-Up is the worst horse

on the track.

- I notice he wins all the time.

- Just because he comes in first.

I don't want him any better than first.

Two dollars on Sun-Up.

Hey, boss, come here.

Come here.

Suppose you bet on Sun-Up. What you

gonna get for your money? 2-to-1.

One dollar, and you'll remember me

all your life.

That's the most nauseating proposition

I ever had.

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