A Dirty Shame Page #6

...p*ssy wants

some action.

That's right, Sylvia,

we're going pearl diving.

Yes, siree,

l'm looking to go ''below 14th Street.''

Get it, Sylvia,

get it while you can.

l'm coming

as fast as l can.

No, you're not,

motherf***er.

Whoa!

Get your ass

in here now.

Get out of here,

come on, beat it, Sylvia.

F***ing tranquilizers.

lt's all right.

Ray Ray is gonna be all better, right?

You betrayed me.

No, l'm back.

l just had a relapse.

Heretics!

Because of you l can't have sex.

lt's not our fault,

we're sorry.

Try this.

''Face The Nation.''

No.

Help me.

- l want to be horny.

- You will be. Concentrate.

Did you know sex

is even infiltrating the economy?

Experts estimate

at least 15,000 Americans

are masturbating at work

right this minute.

Masturbation is costing

American business...

Come back,

Caprice.

Get out.

This is a Neuter establishment.

We don't serve

Ray Ray's people here.

Don't get a breast reduction, Ursula.

Fat F*** Frank will die.

Oh, his spiritual life

is already dead.

But it's coming!

No, it isn't.

There is no new sex act.

The Ressur-sexion

is about to happen.

Oh, God,

you're crazy.

This is Tuesday night.

This is Harford Road.

This is a school night!

Ladies,

let's start over.

Have you heard about

vaginal restoration?

Any gynecologist

can do it.

The hymen

is sewn back together.

Ah-agh!

Hey, rent a room,

not here.

- Get the hell out of my store.

- Just come on, you guys.

Oh, Vaughn,

get this creep out of here.

Right now,

l want you out of here.

- Ugh!

- On top of spaghetti

All covered

with cheese...

Use a napkin,

you freak.

...l lost my poor

meatball...

When somebody sneezed...

- Oh yeah.

- When somebody sneezed.

They're everywhere.

They're in the bushes.

Dad, somebody's

licking our tires.

- Honey, don't look.

- Hey, pervert!

Leave our family alone.

- Oof!

- Come on, let's just get out of here.

Oh-ho-ho. Oh.

Ooh, ever hear

of helicoptering?

Whipping someone's face

with your erect penis?

- Whap, whap, whap!

- Old hat.

- Shrimping?

- Everybody licks toes.

Tromboning-- jacking off

when you're taking a crap?

l did that during

the Reagan Administration.

Try some vitamins.

l need to satisfy someone.

Oh, yeah.

Tell me a story

Tell me

a story

Tell me a story,

remember what you said

You promised me,

you said you would

You've got to give in

so l'll be good

Tell me a story...

yes, Mommy's

drying dishes

so that pretty little baby

will have clean plate-plates

when we move

to our new house.

...Go home without

my raise in pay

- Home by the fire where a man can-

- Mama! Mama!

Sleep out there

by the chair

Not a worry,

not a care...

Come on, you're the cunnilingus

concussion king.

Am l? Am l?

So many vaginas,

so little time.

l try

and do good work.

Sometimes

chocolate helps.

Oh, give me

the green one.

Boy, those f***ers

work.

l managed to cop some spanish fly

down on the block.

Oh, that's some

good sh*t.

- Felching?

- Done it.

- Getting your ''red wings''?

- l got 'em.

- Plate job?

- Over and under.

- Blossoms?

- Don't want them.

Ever tried these?

Damn Viagra.

And l'm already there.

''Astral-orgasm,''

reaching an out-of-body state

through sexual arousal.

Let's go sexing!

Come on, you can't do that inside.

Take it outside.

Yeah, l'm looking

for to get blowed.

We don't have that.

l've been scarred!

Get off me,

l'm straight.

So's spaghetti till you get it

heated up.

l tell you, this virginal

operation works.

Even the most skeptical man

will be convinced.

You're what l'd call

a pity f***?

The restored virgin

fills a gelatin capsule with blood

and inserts it into her vagina

just before intercourse.

You're all crazy.

When she has sex for the first time,

the hymen will pop.

You'll be a virgin

for the second time.

- Leave us alone.

- Help!

Hey! Hey!

Call the National Guard.

To hell with Harford Road!

We're moving back to D.C.

Where we belong.

- Frank, call them off.

- But, Ursula,

they are hotter than a fresh f***ed fox

in a forest fire, you know that.

l am pure now, Fat Blank Frank,

l'm a Neuter.

Just let them puppies

loose, honey.

l have faced the beast of lust

and l have won.

Besides,

my back hurts.

l get rashes.

Simple chores bother me.

l would like to sleep on my stomach,

if you don't mind.

Please, Ursula...!

- Let's go sexing.

- N-O spells no!

- Come on, man--

- This isn't that kind of place. Lady!

aah-- auto-erotic

asphyxiation.

Oh, you oughta

try it, ahh!

- Let me in, you know you got it.

- Get away! We're not horny.

We're married.

We don't want anything.

Somebody somewhere,

finish me up!

- Huh?

- Feel like getting lucky?

Huh? Huh-Uh.

Hey, how about you?

Huh? How about you?

Uh-huh.

You are barred from

the Pinewood Park-and-Pay.

Ever hear of

mononucleosis?

Get help!

- Oh, my God!

- Hey, polar bear,

- you know what an ''otter'' is?

- No.

lt's a bear cub who

isn't fat or hairy yet, but will be.

Find me

a significant otter.

Ungh!

Whoop!

Oof!

Oh!

Yes!

Get out, you disgusting

piece of filth.

Get out now and

never come back.

Yeah, baby!

Oh, no, not you!

Yeah, baby!

Yeah, baby!

Whoo-ooh!

Yeah!

Ursula! Ursula! Ursula!

Mom!

Yeah, my gal is

red hot

Your gal

ain't doodly squat

Well she ain't got no money,

but man, she's really got a lot...

Oh, baby, let me bang

your box

Baby, let me bang

your box

Baby, let me

bang your box

Baby, let me bang

your box

Baby, let me bang it,

baby, let me bang it

Baby, let me bang

your box

...Let me bang your box,

oh, baby, l'll give you a thrill...

This is a liberated area.

The sexual revolution

has been won.

You can finally be free.

Come out.

The Neuters have fled.

There is somebody

for everybody.

- That means you!...

- Ray Ray!

Straight, gay or bi, there's a new sex

act just waiting for you.

Sex for everybody!

F*** your neighbors joyously.

Hurry!

You, on your front lawn.

Join us.

Come on, let's go.

The Neuters are history.

We are taking over!

Today Harford Road...

Tomorrow the world!

Then all of Baltimore, then up

to Washington and finally New York,

the Midwest, the South,

California,

Europe, Japan,

North Korea--

the whole world will soon

f*** at the same time.

Sexual anarchy

will finally happen.

Come on, let's go!

Jump on!

Ladies and gentlemen,

the captain has informed us

that we have begun

our final approach

into Ronald Reagan

Washington National Airport.

Mr. Hasselhoff?

Sorry to interrupt,

but you are my favorite star.

- Can l have your autograph?

- Yeah, sure.

- Thank you.

- lf you must use the lavatory

prior to our scheduled

arrival, please do so at this time.

Excuse me one second.

Thanks.

Per FAA regulations,

please put away

any electronic devices.

Flight crew,

prepare for landing.

Sylvia!

Ursula!

You're beautiful, baby...

l'm past that,

Fat Frank, forever!

Yeah, come on.

Oh, my pills!

Oh!

Oh...

Rate this script:3.0 / 1 vote