A Dirty Shame Page #5

and Larry.

We were into

''Roman showers.''

Vomiting on each other

as foreplay.

But that doesn't

come up anymore.

No, siree,

a higher power saved us.

l want these

people arrested

and punished

to the full extent of the law.

Let me lead you

to recovery.

Once, a man on jury duty

complained that l rode his knee

when we filed in

to announce the verdict.

But l denied it

to the judge.

Sex addicts

learn to lie.

Denial-- don't need you

to know that l am lying.

They call me Dora.

And l'm a chronic

masturbator.

l've been sober

only two weeks now.

l'm Sylvia

and l've hit bottom.

...day in and day out.

Finally someone reported me

to a security guard and l was arrested.

- l would hope so.

- We don't judge others here, madam.

Progress, not perfection.

Sex addicts,

your meetings are my life.

Thank you.

Thank you so much.

Halt, hungry, angry,

lonely, tired...

All this yelling is giving me

a ''Swedish headache.''

you know what l mean?

Horny.

This woman is crazy.

Nothing's the matter with ''beating

the beaver'' once in a while.

Hello, l'm Paige

and l am a sex addict.

l'm Sylvia

and l can't control

my... ''axis of evil.''

let me be your sponsor,

Sylvia.

Thank you.

l'm so ashamed.

- Admit to God-- you are a whore.

- l'm a whore.

Make a list of all

the people you've f***ed

and apologize

to their parents.

My name

is Mr. Pay Day.

- And l'm here for a little scat chat.

- Thank you.

A pay day is an unflushed turd,

hence my name.

l used to defecate

in public restrooms

up and down Harford Road

- and never flush the toilet.

- That was him?

But my life of turd abuse

didn't stop there, oh no.

l started doing

''upper deckers''--

shitting in the top tank

of the toilet,

where no one would ever look

to find the odor.

l can certainly

judge that.

- Progress, not perfection.

- Thank you.

Thank you,

it really means a lot.

Hi, my name is Caprice

and l am a sex addict.

l used to be known

as Ursula Udders,

but let me tell you,

Ursula Udders is utterly over.

l'm on Prozac now

and l am a new woman.

Oh.

Halt, hungry, angry...

Ever jerk off when one

of your hands is asleep?

No. Look, please,

l'm a Neuter.

You should try it.

lt feels like

somebody else is doing it.

l defied nature

and now l must pay the price.

- Ever take a ''rufie''?

- No!

Me neither.

l'm afraid l'd stay home

and date rape myself

all night long.

...that l will get

a breast reduction operation.

Yes. l will.

- l promise.

- Yes! Yes!

And l will never

be nude again!

Thank you.

Thank you.

l got my girls.

Er... er...

my name is Sylvia,

And l too

am a sex addict.

But l'm not dirty

anymore.

Grrr-rr...

That's right, Sylvia. You know how long

your poor dead father had to wait?

lt was a long hard road

to this vagina.

We must warn others

in the concussion community,

that a head injury

is not an excuse for debauchery.

That's right, sister!

But your vagina

belongs to eternity, Sylvia Stickles.

be gone,

Beelzebub.

Let my mother's

p*ssy be!

l'm not your

filthy apostle.

No, sir, no!

l'm not

number anything.

He is a fraud. Remember Jim Jones?

Remember People's Temple?

He's a sex addict. A filthy controlling

pervert who wants your soul.

lt's all mumbo-jumbo.

He's just a filthy man.

Sex addicts,

you are the chosen people.

Help us uncover

nature's secret.

Halt, horny,

anal, lustful, titties.

- Seduce your sponsor.

- One f*** at a time.

lntimacy equals inadequacy.

What's the matter

with you people?

You're wasting

valuable sex time.

Your c*nt

is like a charity.

You must give,

give and give...

l'm slipping.

l'm slipping.

Recovery is regression.

lt will never pass.

No, don't! l have to.

Don't listen to him.

Stop it.

Please, l'm a Neuter!

Concussion sufferers,

find the new orgasm

and we'll all be supernatural.

lt's out there, you just...

l have to do this.

There is no

higher power than sex!

Stop it! Aah-ah!

Stop it, don't touch me.

l've been neutered.

Let no sex act...

You're fired, David,

and no unemployment neither.

lt's okay.

This is sex.

There is a beautiful woman

here tonight named Sylvia

who can reveal a secret.

And that woman

is my wife!

Vaughn, let us show you

eternal sexual satisfaction.

- We love you.

- Love?!

Whatever you do,

don't call it love.

Oh, God!

Let's go sexing!

Help me Mr. Fireman,

please

You know l'm burning

from my head to my knees

l'm aflame with

such a burning desire

That little girl

sets my soul on fire

She's got me burning up

like a paper cup

Whoo-whoo-whoo,

l'm on fire...

Come on, Dad!

- Go, baby.

- Get off of me!

Ooh!

Sylvia, Sylvia?

Sylvia?

...Hmmm, hmmm,

l'm on fire...

...the shock of each moment

and still be alive.

You've got the devil in your cervix,

that's what you've got.

Come home to my penis

where you belong.

l can't, Vaughn.

l'm a libertine.

l say no

to sexual addiction.

You'll get

a yeast infection.

Now is the time

for home invasion!

Oh, his pop-up

doesn't pop up anymore...

Somebody help!

lt just doesn't do

the thing it did before...

Somebody gave him pills!

...His pop-up will not

pop up anymore.

We're gonna make

a nice sauce...

Oh, my God!

Okay, who wants

to f*** me?

l do.

She wants me!

- Get off of him!

- Let me go with her!

Have faith, hope

and charity

- Have faith, hope and charity...

- Sex is disgusting!

That's the way

to live successfully

That's the way

to live successfully

How do l know?

The Bible tells me so...

How do l know?

The Bible tells me so...

How do l know?

The Bible tells me so...

The Bible

tells me...

Do good

to your enemies

And the blessed Lord

you'll surely please

How do l know?

The Bible tells me so

The Bible

tells me

Don't worry

'bout tomorrow

Just be

real good today

The Lord

is right beside you...

All right, everybody,

just come on in.

That's right,

everybody in.

Thank you. Thank you so much

for coming out tonight.

- We got toilet paper?

- We've got toilet paper.

We couldn't be

doing this without you.

Move up,

everybody, okay?

Now, parents,

talk to your children

tell them

how repulsive sex is.

And kids, tell your mom and dad

the truth.

Second base isn't just

feeling up a bra strap anymore.

No, it's a blow job.

No blow jobs!

Teenagers everywhere,

come on, join

the Neuter resistance.

We're not here protesting

anything tonight, are we, Neuters?

No!

We're for something.

Yes, yes!

That's right.

We're for the end of tolerance.

Tolerance went too far

and we all know it.

No more tolerance!

No more tolerance!

No more tolerance!

No more tolerance! No more tolerance!

Hurry, hurry!

Hey, feel like

blowing some tunes?

Come on, don't be shy,

what's the matter with you?

Hey!

l'm Sylvia Stickles

and l've got the itch.

Hoo-hah, hoo-hah...

Baby, baby...

Baby, baby, baby...

Down here!

Come on and join the fun!

Ooh!

Hey, hey

you white devil!

Come on up here and give me

some of that strange.

Rate this script:3.0 / 1 vote