A Dirty Shame Page #4

l just wanted to have

a little

mother-daughter chat.

l'm so sorry

l spoke so harshly

about your vagina

this morning.

lt's all right.

Where did you get that outfit, Mother?

Oh, you like it?

lt's my new apostle look.

Oh, you've got fan mail.

The mailman's

got a big johnson, doesn't he?

Mother!

Well, your father's

got a big one too.

Oh, you are

freaking me out.

l was with Fat F*** Frank

this afternoon.

He seems to really

like your tits.

ls he hung?

He's about

average.

Tell me, Ursula...

'cause that's the name

you like to use, isn't it?

Yes it is, Mother.

l know that Fat F*** Frank

is a tit man,

but does he ever...

well, you know--

''whistle

in the dark''?

Yes, he does.

Thank you for asking.

Oh, my God!

You have met Ray Ray.

Oh, Mother!

Goo-goo, da-da

Goo-goo, da-da

Officer, it's not like my wife

to just walk away.

She was probably

kidnapped by sex fiends.

We've got orgies going on,

perverts walking around.

- Do something.

- l am doing something.

Bouncy, bouncy, bouncy

Hmm, bouncy...

Goo-goo,

Goo-goo, ma-ma!

- This isn't California.

- lt's Harford Road.

Baby just shaved his balls.

You wanna see 'em?

Oh!

l'm a sex addict,

an exhibitionist,

and l'm

your daughter.

Oh, oh, Ursula...

ever since

my concussion,

l've learned so much

about eros.

l'm a sex addict too.

l'm a cunnilingus

bottom,

and l'm

your mother.

l tried to tell you about my maypole

accident when l was 11.

But you never listened.

Oh, l'm so sorry. l'll make it up

to you, Ursula, l promise.

Let's go down

to the Holiday House

and f*** the whole bar.

Okay, Mom.

Let's go sexing!

Ooh-ooh!

- Come on!

- l am coming as fast as l can.

Well, l was drivin'

down l-95 the other night

Somebody nearly cut me

right off the road

l decided it wasn't

gonna do any good to get mad

So l wrote a song

about him instead

lt goes like this...

Were you born

an a**hole?

Or did you work at it

your whole life?

Either way

it's worked out fine

'Cause you're

an a**hole tonight...

Ha! Ha! Ha!

Ursula! Ursula! Ursula!

Ursula!

Ursula! Ursula!

Ursula! Ursula! Ursula!

My gal is red hot

Your gal

ain't doodly squat

Yeah, my gal is red hot

Your gal

ain't doodly squat

Well, she ain't got

no money

But man, she's really

got a lot

Well, l got a gal,

six feet four

Sleeps in the kitchen

with her feet out the door

My gal is red hot

Your gal

ain't doodly squat

Yeah, my gal

is red hot

Your gal

ain't doodly squat

Well, she ain't got

no money

But man, she's

really got a lot...

Wait up, Vaughn.

Come on, Big Ethel.

Oh, my God.

- Vaughn, l need my pills.

- l know.

...Well, she walks

all night, talks all day...

That's my daughter.

That's my daughter!

That's my

daughter!

...Yeah, my gal

is red hot...

Caprice!

Capri--

Hi. Hey, come on.

Come on.

Ooh-hh!

Well, she's the kinda

woman who's a lounge-around

Spendin' my business

all over town

But my gal is red hot

Your gal

ain't doodly squat...

Aah! Let me go!

Oh, Big Ethel!

Get off my ass!

Ooh.

Sylvia!

Shoot!

Sylvia...

Sylvia...

Z-Y-X

And W-V-U

T-S-R-Q

P-O-N-M-L-K

J-l-H

G-F-E-D-C-B-A

We say

the backward alphabet

lt's complex

And trouble

to learn too

But you can do it

if you put your mind to it

That's the way...

Now everybody say it

You can do

the backwards alphabet

Z-Y-X...

You can learn

the backwards alphabet

S-R-Q-P...

You can learn

the backwards alphabet...

- Sylvia?

- Hmm?

You have what is known

as a ''runaway vagina.''

- l do?

- You had a concussion, honey.

Sometimes a booboo

on the head

can trigger inappropriate

sexual outbursts.

- You're a sex addict, Sylvia.

- And you've hit bottom.

Don't listen

to them, Mother.

Sexual addiction is a privilege.

You know that.

Do you know how embarrassing

this is for me?

One nymphomaniac

in the family's bad enough, but two?!

lt's a disease,

Big Ethel.

Being a whore

is a disease?

Caprice, because of your

criminally enlarged breasts--

You're a freak.

The bloodstream to your brain

has been blocked,

causing

permanent depression.

l'm not depressed.

Daddy!

- You should be depressed.

- No, l don't want Prozac!

- No--

- These will make you feel normal.

l don't want to feel normal!

Mother, help me.

Caprice, l apologize

for my shameful behavior.

Don't you recognize

the concussion?

Just swallow.

prozac can lower

the libido

and stymie the sexual fantasies

of many female patients.

And then finally, finally we can

schedule you

for a breast reduction operation.

No! l don't

want to be Neuter.

Maybe she's right.

Sex addicts are everywhere.

And soon they're gonna

discover a new sex act.

l'm supposed

to help them.

lt will pass, Sylvia.

No, there's this guy

named Ray Ray

and he is their leader

and he ate me out.

Ugh!

You let strangers put

their germ-filled mouths on your uterus?

Sylvia, Dr. Arlington told me

about these meetings.

Yeah, they're

for people like you.

Honey, the whole family

is gonna go, Sylvia.

But we're not

telling anybody.

Sylvia...

l've got a hard-on

of gold,

and my tongue

is on fire.

Let's go sexing...?

Sylvia, stay

on this side.

You had a concussion,

honey.

Mmph.

No, Caprice, you know

it doesn't work that way.

lt has to be

an accident.

Oh, please,

l beg of you.

Help me to keep

my sexual sobriety.

Please.

Ho-ho-ho!

Do you like b*obs a lot?

Yes, l like b*obs a lot

B*obs a lot, b*obs a lot,

you gotta like b*obs a lot

Really like b*obs a lot,

you gotta like b*obs a lot

B*obs a lot, b*obs a lot,

you gotta like b*obs a lot

Down in the locker room,

just we boys

Beating down the locker room

with all that noise

Singing ''Do you like b*obs a lot?''

you gotta like b*obs a lot...

B*obs a lot, b*obs a lot--

you like b*obs a lot

Do you wear

your jock a lot?

Oh--!

lf l forget

to say my prayers

The devil

jumps with glee

That he feels

so awful-awful

When he sees me

on my knees

So if you're

full of trouble

And you never seem

to win

Just open up

your heart

And let the sun

shine in

So let the sun

shine in

Face it with a grin

Open up your heart

And let the sun

shine in.

Sex.

My name is Paige,

l'm from Roxton

and l am a sex addict.

My drug of choice--

frottage,

the sexual rubbing-up

on unsuspecting citizens.

''Excuse me,'' l'd say,

while l'd grind my crotch

into an unsuspecting passenger

on a crowded airplane.

Halt, hungry, angry,

lonely, tired.

No one ever knew.

l was in first class...

Hello, l'm Ronnie the Rimmer

and l'm a sex addict.

Uh. Uh!

l'm Sylvia and

my clitoris is in crisis.

l'm Sylvia's

husband Vaughn,

and... l'm trying

to understand.

And this is my daughter,

Caprice.

Yeah, and Prozac

saved my life.

l'm Big Ethel and don't get any ideas,

l'm normal.

Hello, l'm Tony the Tickler

and l was a tickle top.

And that's nothing

to laugh at.

We are the Stickles family

and it's nice to be here.

Excuse me, l'd say

for the hundredth time...

this is Lu Ann

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