A Family Man Page #2

How come Lauren

doesn't have to jog?

'Cause Lauren

doesn't have to lose weight.

First step in solving a problem

is recognizing it, buddy.

Did you and Grandpa go jogging

when you were a kid

in St. Louis?

No, not hardly.

He went to work when

it was dark,

came home when it was dark.

Wasn't much fun, was he?

Eh, he did the job.

"Kinfe," "Sizhong," "Deepak"...

Don't get me going on the

red dots.

Here's an invoice

begging to be sent.

"Ping." Interview

a Chinese engineer yet?

Treat yourself. It's like having

a conversation in the dark...

with Astro from the Jetsons.

Look, Sumner,

I should have spent more time

with you, okay.

My fault. Let's start over.

We are the "Dixie Mafia."

Okay, Dixie.

The South. You know,

state's rights, NASCAR,

closeted atheists,

poor spellers.

I'm not an idiot,

Mr. Jensen.

Okay. Role-play with me,

alright.

I'm a client from Hattiesburg,

Mississippi...

and I'm looking for

a process engineer.

So go on, pitch me

one of your PhD's.

Ahem! Ring! Ring!

Darrel Waltrip here!

Uh, yes, Mr. Waltrip?

Darrel, son.

What can I do you for?

Well, Darrel,

I'm calling about your...

Who the hell is this?

Sumner, Sumner Firestone

from Blackridge Recruiting.

Spit it out, I'm a busy man!

Uh... Well, I've got

a guy, he's uh,

for your open engineering

position I mean,

he's got two degrees in

Mechanical Engineering,

experience reducing waste

in the plants.

Sounds stronger than puppy's

breath.

Now, when can he get down here?

- Well, he can be there Friday?

- You asking me or telling me?

I'm telling you.

He'll be there Friday.

Friday it is! By the by,

he wouldn't happen to have

one of those PhD's, would he?

As a matter of fact, he does.

Perfect! Better'n

a new set of snow tires!

Now, what's his name?

Mohammed Al Far...

Your sleepercell starter kits

are unemployable

south of the grit-line!

Alright. Cowboy up, sunshine.

Use this guy. Lou Wheeler.

Bachelor's

in Mechanical Engineering,

Six Sigma experience,

and an age-vague voice.

- "Age-vague"?

- Yeah. He's 59,

sounds like he's 39,

and refuses to change the dates

on his resume,

and is unemployable.

Why unemployable?

He's 59 and refuses to lie

about it. God, you and my wife.

Okay... So why do I want him?

Because we will

take 15 years off Lou's resume.

Right, but once he goes

in for the interview,

they'll just see how

old he is, I mean,

what's the point?

We don't send him

on an interview.

Lou's what you call

a Tracer Bullet.

A tracer bullet, you know?

A round that lights up so you

know where to fire...

the rest of the real bullets.

I know what a tracer bullet

is, I just don't understand...

"Relatively Young Lou"

is a sure-fire bet for a phone

interview, okay?

But once he's off the line

with a paying customer,

you bleed "Actually Old Lou"

for information.

Like, "What projects are they

working on?"

"What specifically

did they ask you?"

And you give that information...

to your placeable candidates

to prepare them.

I don't know...

We're headhunters, Sumner.

In an economic sh*t storm.

Now I can teach you

how to count cards,

but I can't make you do it.

So you either

reach deep inside

and find that small

dark part of yourself

that's predatory...

Or there's the door.

Alright.

Try giving yourself a desk name,

something tough, visual.

Watch Wall Street,

Godfathers 1 and 2, not 3.

Go on, get your phone,

listen in.

Bernadine?

Hey, it's Dane.

How are you, dear?

Is Lou around?

Lou!

Honey, Dane is on the phone!

Hi, Dane!

So, you hear anything

from Superior?

Are we gonna get

that face-to-face?

[Uh, I'm afraid not, Lou.

[Now I told them they were

making a big mistake, but...

I'm sorry, Lou,

I didn't get it done.

Don't blame yourself,

we'll get 'em next time.

Lou, I'm bringing in

another person to help.

His name's Sumner Firestone,

he's a great guy.

Recruiting savant.

We have any other prospects

on the horizon that look good?

No, not at the moment, Lou.

You call me when you hear

something, okay?

- So, how did it go?

- Oh, they uh,

they decided to go with the

other candidate, no big deal.

- Thank heavens!

- What?

I'm sorry, sweetie,

I know you were interested

in doing this job,

but I was praying that we

wouldn't have to go to Mobile.

I have no desire to see

a hurricane up close.

Besides,

after 29 years,

I kinda like having you

home with me.

Bea, it's been

nearly a year.

And?

Are you complaining?

Three layoffs in eight months.

Your plant is dying.

I can hear the death rattle

from here. And when it does,

the only steady job you're gonna

find within a hundred miles

of Elkhart won't require

an engineering degree,

but a little blue vest and the

phrase "Hi, welcome to Walmart."

What am I missing?

[Time kills all deals, Eric.

Or reading about their new hire

not named Eric on Monday.

[When I told him about

your opportunity,

His wife's already looking at

homes and schools in Raleigh.

Now is Friday morning better

for you or afternoon?

He's an excellent surgeon.

He's an excellent

plastic surgeon.

The grim reaper is coming

through the cornfield

and he's half Mexican,

half Chinese and he doesn't

take prisoners.

That hole in his resume

is because he's been,

he's been off the grid,

he's been, you know, working

with Doctors Without Borders,

he's in the Sudan sowing up

cleft palates.

This is one of the best offers

I've seen...

before or since a recession

and it ends when I hang up this

phone. Now when can you start?

One week or two?

For Christ sakes, Elise!

It's not battery acid!

Where the hell did you get

that idea from anyway?

You try it!

Believe me,

I would if I could.

Well, maybe if I hadn't

already been down there...

for forty minutes already.

Well, maybe if you did it

more often...

I wouldn't drag it

out so long.

Maybe if you didn't

drag it out so long...

I'd do it more often!

You know, most women

appreciate a man...

who's not a premature

ejaculator.

Sweetheart, when

it comes to blowj*bs,

every woman appreciates a man

who's a premature ejaculator.

- Right.

- I'm sorry.

I said I'm sorry. Look, I was

fine with it until the end.

I just wasn't expecting you

to ask me to do... that.

I don't know, I just

wanted to try something

a little different, that's all.

My fault. Should've

pre-coached you on it.

Well, I'm not one

of your candidates.

I'm just worried about Ryan.

He's not himself.

Come on.

There's nothing wrong

with that kid

that a little bit of sunshine

and sweat won't cure.

I hope so.

Isn't this nice?

It's hardly ever just

the two of us, no kids,

somebody wanting something.

What would be nice

is if I could cum.

Dane Jensen.

Last of the romantics.

Don't you ever get tired

of the same old thing?

No.

No, I don't think

the same thing is old at all.

I guess you do, though.

What, are you kidding?

It's always the same thing.

- Please, not the sex talk.

- Yeah. We have sex once a week,

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