A Fantastic Fear of Everything Page #2

I don't wanna see you go over

the edge like what's-his-name.

(GASPS)

(JACK) Clair's concerns about me

proved justified.

Three weeks on and Long Ear's head

was playing on my mind.

(CREAKING)

Life was hellish,

but it was just about to get

a hell of a lot worse.

(FOOTSTEPS)

(DOOR HANDLE SQUEKS)

Come on then, you bastards!

Aaaaaargh!

My knife.

(BREATHES DEEPLY)

Ah!

(SPOOKY WHISPERING)

(LAUGHS)

You mad bastard.

(CREAKING)

(URINE SPLASHING IN TOILET)

(BREATH ES NERVOUSLY)

(SPLASH OF URINE CONTINUES)

# As evening shadows chase the sun

# The night is here,

my day is done

# Through dark forests in the night

# A light is shone

# It's you I've found

# I see you

# I see you #

Argh!

(GASPS)

(SOFTLY) Oh, God.

(DISTANT POLICE SIREN)

Oh, I got an hour.

(BUZZ OF HELICOPTER)

The flying eye

Oh, someone's on the loose.

(PHONE RINGS)

It was 5:
00 when the telephone rang

that fateful evening.

- Sh*t, I could...

- (DOOR BUZZER)

(CHILDREN)

# We wish you a merry Christmas

(OUT OF TUNE)

# We wish you a merry Christmas

- # We wish you a merry Christmas

- (COUGHING)

- # And a Happy New Year... #

- Hello?

Happy Christmas.

(ALL) Happy Christmas.

- What do you want?

- We're singing carols.

Yeah, I can see that.

Well, ain't you gonna come out

and hear us then, bruv?

No, I can hear you perfectly well

from up here. Thank you.

We've been out for ages

and no one's given us nuffink yet.

Well, honestly, I think you should

perhaps work on your repertoire.

- Our what?

- Sorry I can't help you. Good night.

But it's for Save the Children.

Kids who ain't got no food,

Nintendo or nothing, bruv.

# We won't go until we got some

We won't go until we got some

# We won't go until we got some #

All right, all right. Wait there.

- I'm coming down.

- Yes.

(GASPS)

You gonna open up this door, then,

or what, bruv?

Um, I tell you what I'm gonna do.

I'm gonna put some loose change

into this sock

and then I'm gonna feed it

through the letter box.

- Did you get that?

- (KID) Is it clean?

- Is it what?

- Is it clean?

Is the sock clean, bruv?

Well, it's not box fresh,

if that's what you mean.

Do you want this money or not?

(PHONE RINGS)

Oh, God.

Who are you?

- You there?

- Yes. Yes.

I just... Stand back, okay?

Stand back.

Christ, can't you see I'm not in?

Er...

- Okay. Get ready.

- (PHONE STOPS RINGING)

I'm opening my flap.

Here it comes. Gently does it.

- Gently.

- (PHONE RINGS)

God in heaven, will you just f*** off

and give me some peace?

Hey, wait. Just come back!

Oi! What about my sock?

You little thieving, you...

(SOFTLY) You... you did this.

You wanna hear my voice,

you sick f***?

Hear this.

- (FUZZY) Hello?

- Jack, it's Clair.

Hello?

- Jack, it's Clair.

- Clair.

Why haven't you been answering?

I've been calling for hours.

- I thought you were a wrong number.

- Well, listen.

I've just had a very excited man

on the phone.

- Have you?

- Yes. He's read your treatment...

...for "Decades of Death"

and he's very excited by your ideas.

He wants to meet you tonight

at eight o'clock.

Oh.

- I see. Eight o'clock?

- He's off to New York tomorrow.

- It's imperative you see him.

- Why is it imperative?

Because he's Harvey Humphries.

- Harvey Humphries? Who's he?

- Head of scripts.

Clair, look, can I see him

when he comes back from New York?

Because I've not been sleeping

very well and...

Jack, he's genuinely excited.

The arrangements have all been made.

Tonight, eight o'clock,

- That's in one hour and 47 minutes.

- Wear a suit, please.

- I don't have any suits.

- Wear a clean shirt.

They're all dirty.

I'm down to my last sock.

Then you'll have to go

to the launderette, won't you?

What? A launderette?

Are you serious?

I am. What's the problem?

It's just...

You're asking a lot, Clair, okay?

I don't do launderettes.

Never have done, never will.

It's no place for a man like me.

Exposing your most intimate articles

in front of strangers.

- Stop it, you're being ridiculous.

- You know me, Clair. I'm sensitive.

- I've never even bought toilet roll.

- All right, enough.

Jack, I've worked very hard getting

your script to the right people

and I'm afraid there's no interest.

I said nothing because I didn't want

to disturb you. That's the reality.

I can't see any other options.

It's Humphries or bust.

- I understand.

- Good.

Call and let me know

how it goes, darling.

(DIALING TONE)

And so it was that I first came

to hear the name Harvey Humphries.

I had sat in every head of scripts

department in London,

listening to these twats

full of white wine and arugula,

but I had never heard of this man.

"Harvey Humphries

of Humbolt Mews."

I didn't like the sound of it.

The name seemed innocent enough,

but there was something that jarred.

It might be the "Harvey Humphries

Humbolt" bit that was worrying me.

But I had a friend,

Garry Gordon in Garrick Street.

And he'd never caused me

any problem.

No.

It was something stronger

than just a repetition of the H.

It was more a sensation of having

heard Harvey Humphries

in some unsavory context.

Harvey.

It was the Harvey.

Harvey was the middle name

of Dr. Hawley Harvey Crippen,

the Yank Who'd spent all night

in the basement

of 39 Hilldrop Crescent,

N5 separating his wife.

He'd done her in lime.

Crippen had come from America.

Humphries was going

to America within hours

of completing his business

with me.

Was Humphries related to Crippen?

Far-fetched as it might seem

to others, it was not impossible.

Crippen was an American. Yes.

And so was Humphries.

Surely it was more than a coincidence

that a man going to America

should be excited by a title

like "Decades of Death"

and have the middle name of one of

the most famous killers of the lot.

No.

No, no, no.

Facts like that are beyond the realm

of coincidence.

- (HUMMING)

- (PHONE RINGING)

Hello? Who's there?

Speak up, I can't hear you.

(TOILET FLUSHES)

Oh, no. Clair's not here just now.

This is Irene.

You want what?

Harvey Humphries. Do you know

of a man called Harvey Humphries?

Think carefully

before you answer, please.

- A man's life may be at stake.

- Oh, I'll have to think about this.

Er, hold on a minute, love. Now...

Can you tell her to call Jack back

regarding Harvey?

Tell her it's

a matter of life and death.

- Life and death?

- Yes. Tell her that exactly.

- Thank you.

- Right. Will do, dear.

Okay, okay. Be rational, be rational.

Clair was not in her office, so she

must've telephoned you from home.

But as you don't have

her private number

and she's ex-directory,

there's no way you can call her back.

I have to trust it was Clair,

and that she meant no malice.

After all, she has no reason

to wish me any harm.

She had no way of knowing

a man related to a murderer.

Only a highly suspicious,

paranoid cynic...

Or someone like me,

with an eye for clues and patterns

could possibly connect the dots.

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