A Fantastic Fear of Everything Page #3

Could see the truth staring him

in the face.

That Harvey Humphries is in fact

Hawley Harvey Crippen's grandson.

No more questions, Your Honor.

- (BUZZ OF HELICOPTER)

- Ah!

Right. That does it.

Where's the superglue?

Right. You've done nothing

but terrorise me for weeks.

And I've had enough. I've had enough.

Take that, and that, and that,

and that.

Take that, take this, take this.

(GRUNTS)

Take that.

You didn't expect that, did you?

Well, expect the unexpected, mate.

(DOOR BUZZER)

God, that's quick.

(DOOR BUZZER)

Hello? Anyone home?

(JACK) Yes? Hello?

Are you the gentleman in Flat 3?

Who is this?

Community Support

Police Officer Perkins, sir.

Good evening. How can I help you?

Oh, no cause for alarm.

Just a routine call, sir.

Some of the kids over on the estate

said you might be in some distress.

How interesting.

And what might I be

distressed about?

Well, I have no idea, sir.

Are you in any distress?

No, I'm fine. I'm about to do some

washing and then go to bed.

Oh, well. Just so you know,

we're out on the beat

if you ever need assistance.

I'm just across the road.

Jesus Christ.

Sorry, sir, sorry. Sorry.

I was just checking you were...

Yeah, well,

I'm very sorry to bother you, sir.

Er, I'll let you get back

to your laundry.

Policeman, my ass.

He was looking for something.

What was he up to?

Jesus, nowhere's safe.

Okay, Humphries, you want my script?

You can have it.

If it means I finally get paid

decent money

and get out of Hackney, you're on.

Right. Where's my wardrobe?

I'll show you, Clair,

I'll show you, Catherine,

exactly what I am capable of. Oh!

- (FLIES BUZZING)

- Jesus Christ.

God. These aren't clothes,

this is refuse.

I might as well take it

and dig it in around the roses.

I'd do anything for a break

right now, but not the launderette.

Not for Humphries,

not for any other man.

Why should I?

I've got everything I need here.

I've got water, I've got soap,

I've got drying facilities.

I can do this, Jack.

No more sleepless nights,

no more scuttling around in the dark.

We'll meet this monster head-on.

Well-armed and well-dressed.

A quick thrash in the tub for you,

my lovelies, then into the drier.

Right. A good 15 minutes

on regular nine for the socks,

five minutes less for the pants,

and we'll play the shirt by ear.

Now, that's cooking with gas.

Here's how to play it. When you get

to the meeting, refuse to sit down.

Refuse all drinks and cigarettes.

Certainly all food.

The meeting will be standing up.

And if he leaves the room

to make a call, you go with him.

(PHONE RINGING)

I'll have a pretext for everything.

I could take an apple or an onion

into the meeting.

Yeah, that'd work.

I could use it as a circumstance

to show him my carving knife.

Ah! Ah!

Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah!

Argh!

Come on. Come on, come on.

AOW!

F***. What the f***

am I supposed to do now?

Cut my f***ing hand off?

(JACK WITH AMERICAN ACCENT)

That's correct, officer.

When I saw the knife, I simply

defended myself with the ice pick.

I have no idea how the pick got stuck

in the back of his neck.

I put him in the bathtub because the

blood was staining my Persian carpet.

Oh!

(CREAKING)

Argh!

Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!

Oh! Oh!

(GRUNTS)

I'm not dead yet, you bastards.

(SIGHS)

Come on, Jack,

we can still do this.

Against the odds,

we can beat them.

Now, as I remember, this thing

has some seriously deep pockets.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, I can hide a knife in there.

That's like Loch Ness in there.

You could hide a whole submarine

in there if you wanna.

I'll just keep my coat on.

My hand on my ha'penny.

Okay, don't let this guy

psyche you out, all right?

You're a writer, Jack, remember?

You can just outwit

this two-bit Hollywood gangster.

Gangster?

Say she didn't throw it away.

Please, please, please.

Be in here. Be in here, be in here.

Where are you? Where are you?

(CHUCKLES)

"Uzilicious". My definitive

gangsta rap compilation.

Yeah, yeah.

I remember I wooed Catherine

with this sh*t.

Hope it still works.

#Ass, tits, c*nt, f***,

motherf***er... #

Good times, old friend. Good times.

If you can get me through college,

you can get me through anything.

(BELL TOLLS AND CLASSICAL MUSIC

MELDING INTO RAP)

I drop a old-school beat.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, you wanna read

my script, b*tch?

You wanna polish my script?

You wanna polish my script?

Is that what you're saying?

What's up, b*tch?

You wanna polish my script?

Oh, sure. Polish this, motherf***er.

I'm gonna step up to a man

called Humphries

Wipe that sh*t up

just like cream cheese

Up all night, y'all,

workin' the mic, y'all

Smoking my pipe, y'all,

motherf***er

(JACK) Catherine,

this jam goes out to you.

It's real, true dat from the heart.

I just wanna say you're my girl.

- Shut up.

- And I love you.

F***.

Who are you trying to fool, Jack?

You're not a G-man, you're a tit.

(SNIFFS)

What's that smell?

Smells like burning garbage.

No! Not the socks!

Not the socks!

Argh! Damn it!

Oh!

Oh! Oh, my eyes!

Ah, ah.

Oh, God, the pants have gone up.

(CLAIR) And you'll have to go

to the launderette, won't you?

- A launderette, are you serious?

- Of course I am.

You'll have to go to the launderette,

won't you?

(ECHOES) You'll have to go

to the launderette.

Argh!

(UPBEAT MUSIC AND CLAPPING)

- (PHONE RINGS)

- Okay, let's cut the cake.

Dad, can you answer that?

It's Mr. Goofy. He's lost.

Mr. Goofy is on my office line?

Right, here we go.

Hello. This is Dr. Friedkin.

You've got to help me, Dr. Friedkin.

Jack? Is this Jack?

I can't take it anymore.

I'm gonna buckle, I swear to God.

Well, it's my grandson's birthday.

A phobia of launderettes?

Oh, Jack. That's a new one to me.

Wait, I'm confused.

Which case study is this?

It's not a case, Dr. Friedkin.

It's me.

I'm the problem. It's me.

Okay, okay, calm down.

Just calm yourself.

Jack, I want you

to take a deep breath.

Now, inhale...

and exhale. That's right.

Fill your entire body.

Imagine every cell being rinsed clean

with life-giving oxygen.

Do you have any clues

where the origin of this phobia lies?

I've had it all my life.

I've tried to get on top of it.

I went to a washhouse

when I was at college,

but I was just so terrified,

I accidentally trapped my load

in an OOO.

An OOO?

Yes. An out of order machine.

I was in there with about six months'

of unimaginably sensitive material.

The room gathered round,

engineers were called.

- It was a nightmare.

- No. I sympathize with you.

As unpleasant as the experience

may have been

it cannot have been traumatic enough

to create such a phobia.

It's ruining my life.

Look, I can help you,

but you must be completely honest.

And you must trust me.

Close your eyes.

I want you

to take another deep breath

and imagine you are sitting here

with me now in my office

having a consultation.

Think of my office

like a space capsule.

From here,

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