A Fantastic Fear of Everything Page #5

Something's wrong.

I'm spinning without a problem,

but mine's different to the others.

What is this? I can't afford a hitch.

Excuse me.

- Mine hasn't gone white yet.

- What hasn't?

My washing water. Look.

You didn't put no soap in.

- I thought the machine did it.

- Machine don't put own soap in.

You have to put soap in.

Where your soap?

I haven't got any.

It says everything's automatic.

See number six, "Add detergent."

No.

What am I gonna do?

- It's not gonna get washed, is it?

- Not without soap.

(JACK) I've done it again.

How is it possible

to keep putting things into machines

without getting them clean?

Look here. Have you got any soap?

Soap in slot machine one pound.

(MUTTERS IN VIETNAMESE)

Here, soap.

Thanks.

(SPEAKS VIETNAMESE)

Not now.

You cannot put soap in now,

you've missed your cycle.

You wait.

- Tell me when to put the soap.

- No. I'm in hurry to go home.

So am I.

You haven't been here

since 8:
00 this morning.

What've you got in there?

- A shirt and some socks.

- That's it?

New movies, and multiple Links

- There's a pair in there as well.

- A pair?

A pair of underpants?

- That's all you put in machine?

- I'm allowed to, aren't I?

You can put in a handkerchief

for all I care.

But I think

it's a criminal waste of water.

(GIGGLES NERVOUSLY)

Sorry. How right you are.

In fact in a funny way,

crime is the only reason I'm here.

I'm going home.

It's half past seven.

Actually it's 7:
20.

But if I'd been in here

since 8:
00, I'd have started lying

about more than the time to get out.

- We'll miss out the drying.

- Yeah, I agree.

(JACK) I've missed my cycle.

Will it still get clean?

I'm gonna have to chance it.

I'm cutting it fine as it is.

And why do I seem to be the only one

with a machine

that refuses to stop spinning?

Those two are beginning

to annoy me.

Especially the one in the rollers

who looks like Caligula.

She's obviously the ring leader.

What the hell are they staring at?

I imagine they live

pretty mundane lives here

in these launderettes, but even so.

It's over. I'm free.

Get me out of here.

(UPBEAT SITAR MUSIC)

Oh, no. A beautiful girl.

That's the last thing I need.

It's bad enough

shifting underwear with these louts.

Now I'm gonna have to do it

with her watching.

Better be discrete,

it's down to the dryers now.

I'll just hang back here.

Hope the beautiful girl

doesn't notice my presence.

She's trying to block my view

of her dryer.

What does she think I am?

A Peeping Tom?

Jesus. The size of that.

I've never seen anything like it.

And another. That thing

must have "Dunlap" written on it.

Oh, thanks. Thanks very much.

That's just downright impolite.

Listen, darling, I don't wanna look

at your f***ing underwear.

Might excite the gentlemen in your

life, but as far as I'm concerned

it's about as sexy as a couple of

buckets, which is what it looks like.

I look like something

out of a horror movie.

All those little ruptured

blonde hairs.

My head looks

like a Swede's scrotum.

No wonder they've been watching me.

I look horrifying.

I'm a monster.

What to do?

I've still got half an hour.

I could go to the service station,

get some big sunglasses.

Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah, it could work.

Yeah, motherf***er. Hood up.

Right, I've gotta get out of here.

And quick.

A bit of dampness

never hurt anybody.

Forget them. They're lost forever.

Just get the sock and the shirt.

Excuse me.

Are these yours?

No.

No. Nothing to do with me.

- Are they yours?

- They're his. I saw them come out.

- Excuse me. What's your name?

- John.

- My name is John.

- Then they are yours.

It's embroidered inside

on a little tab.

Yes. Yes, they are.

They are mine, yes.

Lent them to somebody,

long time ago.

Not sure

how they got into my wash actually.

- Don't you want them?

- No.

No. No, thank you.

- I don't want them.

- Throw them in the bin, love.

Yes, thank you.

You've been very kind.

Look out. He's got a blade.

(SCREAMS)

It's not what it looks like.

I'm not gonna hurt anybody. Really.

I'm a professional writer.

For television. Don't go.

- Call the cops!

- Please.

- Call the cops!

- No, no. Stop, stop, stop.

Argh!

- Go.

- Get.

- (SCREAMS)

- Where's the cops?

(YELLING)

Go that way. Take that route,

gotta get that next one.

(GROANING)

(DISTANT SHOUTING)

Half past.

I've still got 20 minutes.

- Back off.

- Please, I can explain.

- Let me out. I can explain.

- No way. Go on, stay back.

Look, I know I look weird,

but I'm a writer.

I don't normally look like this

and I certainly don't wanna

use this knife.

Please, I have

a really important meeting.

Not interested, mate, okay?

And I said back off.

There must be another

way out of here.

(JINGLE BELLS RING TONE)

Jen.

They're coming. They're coming.

Hang on, I can hear the sirens.

- Hurry up. He's trying to get out.

- Come on, Clair.

Come on, pick up, pick up.

Come on, Clair. Pick up, pick up.

- Come on.

- (APPROACHING SIRENS)

Oh.

- You say he threatened you?

- I'll say he's sick as a pig.

- Stand by. We got a nutter.

- Hurry. He's trying to get away.

Okay, stand back.

Roger. About to apprehend

said knife man. Over.

Positions.

Follow. Follow. Follow.

- I'm in.

- Right.

- Yeah.

- I can't see him.

Dryers clear, sarge. Dryers clear.

No visuals. No visuals. No visuals.

- Where is he?

- Is this the right launderette?

- Covered.

- Stay still!

What should I do?

Come on, stay still!

All right, sonny. Drop the knife.

Now. Drop the knife. Step forward.

Hands up where we can see them!

I'm not here to hurt anybody.

I'm a professional writer.

Drop the knife,

don't give me no mumbo.

- Mumbo?

- Mumbo jumbo.

- Well, it's stuck.

- You heard. Drop it.

We want the knife, b*tch.

- Be my guest.

- Tase him.

Ow... Aaargh!

# I'll see you in my dreams

# Hold you in my dreams

# Though you are gone

# I can see you standing

# Right before me

# Though the pain I cannot feel

# So well

# Lips that once were mine

# Tender eyes that shine

# Someone took you

# Out of my arms

# Still I feel the thrill

of your charms

# They will light my way tonight

# I'll see you

# I'll see you in my dreams #

(WPC) This way please, sir.

All right back off, sonny, back off.

Out of the way.

Help him get that off.

I can't take him anywhere with that.

Okay, this way, sir.

Sir, you do not have to say anything.

Anything you do say

may be given in evidence.

He wants locking up, that boy.

- Lock him up.

- It's not me you should be after.

It's this bastard

in North London, Harvey...

- That's blinding.

- All right.

Filming for "Beat Cops", mate.

It's gonna be on TV.

Anything you wanna say?

No. Go away. This is my life.

This is not some excuse for cheap TV.

- Aow!

- You're being very brave.

Bugger off. You got what you want.

Sarge, look, I set fire to myself

before I came out

then I glued this knife to my hand.

- You threatened the ladies.

- I didn't.

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