A Fantastic Fear of Everything Page #6

- They say you did.

- I really didn't.

Please, can you tell them.

I didn't, did I?

No. He just sort of got it out.

He can tell us all about it

down the station.

- Right. He is done.

- Okay, everyone.

It's over. Go back to your homes.

Safety has been restored.

- Thank you, everyone.

- See you later.

- Load him up.

- Wait. I'm innocent.

Look, I've got a meeting

this evening. Tell him I'm safe.

Enough or I'll do you

for resisting arrest.

I'm a victim of circumstance.

All units, Mare Street. Go. Go. Go.

- Sarge?

- Little Vietnam, big trouble.

What do we do with Paddington?

- Take him. Chuck him in the van.

- Hey, no way. I've got a meeting.

Come on, then! Shake a leg!

Follow that chopper!

- Oh, for Pete's sake.

- Mirror, signal, manoeuvre.

(WPC) Shut up!

I am driving this truck.

(SIREN)

Looks like they let you go after all.

You're free.

Free.

It's fate.

I'm facing my demons.

And I'm winning.

I'm free.

Come on, stars!

Give me your best shot.

I'm ready.

Let's do this.

Oops. (LAUGHS NERVOUSLY)

- Evening, sir.

- Sorry, officer.

- Something funny, sir?

- No, I'm just happy.

Happy? Are you drunk, sir?

- No, I'm a writer.

- Oh, yeah?

I'm on my way to meet

a Hollywood movie mogul actually.

- You're kidding?

- He's very interested...

...in buying my script

about serial killers.

You don't say. Are you all right?

Did you get your laundry done?

No. Maybe another night.

Oh, well.

Well, good night then, miss.

Night, sir.

(Professor Friedkin) You must return

to the scene of the crime

and retrieve those unwashed articles

in the machine.

Release your raw, true, inner self.

Begin a new life, free from fear.

Okay. Okay, I got this.

Dr. Friedkin,

one banana signed, peeled and...

- Huh?

- (DOOR CREAKING)

(UPBEAT FUNKY MUSIC)

(BLEEPING)

(BREATH ES HEAVILY)

(GROANING)

(GRUNTS)

(BOTH GRUNT)

(WHINES)

- Oh, my God, what happened?

- I don't know.

(MOANS)

How do we get out of here?

(BOTH GRUNT INCOMPREHENSIBLY)

Oh, my God, what happened?

How did we get here?

(PANTS)

I was walking down the road.

Yeah, I was walking down the alley

and I heard a noise and...

Oh, God, I feel sick.

Oh, my God. I have

to let my parents know I'm here.

They'll panic, they'll panic.

I don't want them to panic.

- (GRUNTS)

- What's that?

- You're gonna heave?

- (GRUNTS)

- You can't leave?

- I can't breathe.

Oh, you can't breathe. I'm so sorry.

(GAGS)

Thank you.

They must have drugged us

and dumped us here.

Who? Who did this?

The Vietnamese mafia. Think about it.

We're still in the launderette.

It's some sort of safe house.

They caught me snooping and thought,

- ..."Let's tie him up and dump him."

- Oh, my God.

No, no, no. It doesn't add up.

It doesn't add up at all.

They might have suspected me,

but you were no threat whatsoever.

What are you saying?

It must've been premeditated.

We've been abducted by a psychopath

whose intention is to terrorise,

torture and terminate our existence.

- No.

- What do you mean, no?

No, I refuse to believe that.

What about mistaken identity, huh?

This could all be a practical joke.

A joke? Are you out of your mind?

No, you're paranoid.

You're jumping to conclusions.

There is a time and place

for accusing a man of being paranoid.

This is not f***ing one of them!

- Help! Help us, please!

- Help, please!

'Help! Help us, please!

'Help! Help, please!

- Please!

- Somebody, help us!

(FOOTSTEPS)

Listen.

(FOOTSTEPS)

Somebody's up there.

What do we do?

(FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING)

(SOBS)

- Mummy.

- (DOOR BEING UNLOCKED)

(MOANS)

Hello?

- What's going on down here, then?

- Oh, mate.

Are you all right?

Mate, I have never been so happy

to see a...

- Community support police officer.

- Community support police officer.

Quickly untie us.

Come down, please.

No. Sh*t. No. Don't. Go back up.

Get some help.

- Get some backup.

- Right.

We're trapped. We are trapped.

- He can see that.

- Don't leave!

If they come back,

they'll get him too.

- He's police.

- He's not even armed.

They haven't even

given him a f***ing whistle.

Listen, mate, go and get some help.

Get some men with guns

and the dogs.

And some dogs with guns and

a f***ing helicopter. Just go. Go.

(SIGHS)

On second thought,

I think I'll just stay here with you.

Very cosy. Just the three of us.

The criminal stare.

What's he doing?

I'm afraid this is one very sick

community support police officer.

Very good.

You know, you can't beat these

old machines for sheer craftsmanship.

Front loading, motor power,

elegant design.

Admittedly, they don't spin

as fast as modern machines do,

but so what?

As Mahatma Gandhi said,

"There's more to life

"than simply increasing its speed."

Looking at this washing machine,

you'd have to agree with him.

I mean, it's a bloody work of art.

I said, it's a work of art.

Don't you agree?

Yes, it's very nice.

Right, well, take comfort in that,

because it's the last thing

you're gonna see before you die.

If you both look closely, you'll

notice a pea green flashing light.

Which means,

that while you were both sleeping

this machine has

already passed smoothly

through the stages

of pre-wash and main wash

and is now completing

the last rinse.

(BANGING)

Ow.

This will shortly be followed

by the magnificent final spin

at which point, the cycle will end,

the light will turn red...

and I shall have the pleasure

of sending you both to a better

and, one would hope,

cleaner world than this.

You f***ing maniac.

I was just gonna go home

and catch some telly.

But when you mentioned you were

a writer, about serial killers,

I thought,

"No. No, this is meant to be.

"This is fate."

- What do you call yourself?

- What's that?

What do you call yourself?

The Spin King? Laundry Man?

No, I'm the Hanoi Handshake.

That's me.

After I kill you,

I'm going to chop your fingers off

and pin it on the Vietnamese lot.

WW? Why are you doing this?

Oh, well, it's complicated.

You see, this launderette

used to belong to my grandmother.

That is, before the whole

neighbourhood went to Pot.

Pol Pot.

No, the boat people elbowed her out.

Broke her heart. Killed her.

So I'm on a rampage,

a rampage of vengeance.

Oh, I see.

Anyway, that's not important now.

What is important

is that I've got the key,

and no one knows we're here.

So then, if you don't mind,

I've just got to quickly go upstairs

and sharpen my knife.

Sit tight, kids.

And remember,

when the light goes red,

you're dead.

(BLEEPING)

(WHIRRING AND SPLASHING)

Hm, the rinse is ending.

(LAUGHS)

Oh, that's it then, isn't it?

Not only am I not gonna make

my meeting with Harvey Humphries,

I'm gonna f***ing die.

(SOBS LOUDLY)

Hey, stop it.

You mustn't lose hope.

There's no hope. We're dead.

There is always hope.

I was abandoned in a launderette

as a child.

I couldn't speak for six weeks,

I was so afraid.

I've come full circle.

I'm alive,

alive to experience my own death.

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