A Foreign Affair Page #2

sitting in his lonely barracks

with a birthday cake on his knees.

I won't have the cake on my knees.

I won't be alone.

There'll be my buddies. I'll call them in.

We'll open up a case of root beer,

light the candles,

then Frankovitch and his ukulele.

Some old songs.

Why, it'll be like back home... almost.

Good to hear you talk like that.

General Finney wants you to go in his car.

I'll be right with you.

If you're a sample of the spirit prevailing

in Berlin, I feel better already.

- I'm a sample, all right.

- Goodbye.

You're losing something, Captain Pringle.

My handkerchief.

You blow your nose in nylon nowadays?

What do you know? There must have

been a mistake at the laundry.

We got a crazy old laundress.

You know what happened to Frankovitch?

He sent out his shorts and

got back a girdle. (Laughs)

Ask her how much.

No. This watch gold. Gold for teeth.

- A watch from steel.

- How's this?

No, this silver. Want steel.

You want steel.

No, want round watch, very big, nice face.

You're tough. All right,

let's look in the other drawer.

(Cackles) Mickey Mouse! Mickey Mouse!

- How much?

- $700.

- You got three like this watch, maybe?

- We'll see.

Herr Captain, buy porcelain?

Little Cupid to take for wife?

Never mind the knick-knacks.

How much for the mattress?

- Why you want the mattress?

- I'm sleepy.

- How much for the mattress?

What do you mean, "nein, nein, no"?

Look what you can get for it.

the writing on it and the candles.

The candles alone are worth the mattress.

Get lost.

Erika! Erika!

Sit down, Johnny.

Go away, Johnny, sit down.

Johnny.

Johnny, what are you doing?

- I'm wiping my face.

- You're hurting me, Johnny.

You're always hurting me.

Why are you so mean to me?

I worry about you. I scrounge around,

I bring you presents

and you tell me I'm mean to you.

You brought me a present? Where is it?

Where have you got it?

Ohh...

Johnny, they're so sheer. So beautiful.

- No, you're good to me.

- You bet I am.

You don't know how good. I bought you another present.

You're not gonna get it.

Another one? Where have you got it?

Where is it, Johnny?

- Keep away.

- Is it here? Tell me...

Johnny...

- Where did you get it?

- A friend of mine baked it.

Only you're not going to get it. Why

should I care whether you sleep or not?

Johnny, for 15 years

we haven't slept in Germany.

First it was Hitler screaming on the radio,

then the war of nerves,

then the victory celebrations,

then the bombing.

All the furniture burnt.

See?

That one I hate worst.

Give me that mattress, Johnny.

No mattress will help you sleep.

What you Germans need

is a better conscience.

I have a good conscience.

I have a new Fhrer now... you.

Heil, Johnny.

You heil me once more

and I'll knock your teeth in.

You'll bruise your lips.

Why don't I choke you a little?

Break you in two?

Build a fire under you, you blonde witch.

Who's that?

With my luck, it's Eisenhower.

- Yes.

- Your name Schltow?

- I beg your pardon.

- Is your name Erika Schltow?

- No.

- You live here, don't you?

Yes, I live here.

You the dame that sings

at the Lorelei nightclub?

- Yes, I sing there.

- And your name's not Erika Schltow?

My name is Erika von Schltow.

- A von?

- She's a von.

Nobility. We beg your highness's pardon.

- What do you want?

- A little information.

It says here that a

certain Erika Schltow...

von Schltow, pardon I...

has been an active von Nazi

ever since 19 - von - 35.

Go on, gentlemen.

It says that Miss von Schltow

was ordered over a month ago

to a von labour camp

to pick up some von bricks.

- What else does it say?

- You're working at a night joint.

According to this report,

what you're moving there ain't bricks.

I'm an artist, gentlemen, not a street

cleaner, and I've been completely cleared.

Yeah? Tell us all about it.

My case has been reviewed

and the decision reversed.

I'm on the white list now.

With that record? If you make the white

list, we'll make the hit parade.

- OK, von sister, get your things on.

- What for?

We're taking you to

the von denazification office.

Now, Abbot and Costello,

show me your orders.

- Yes, sir.

- Who gave you these?

- Lieutenant Clark, sir.

- Four weeks old.

We've had a lot of people to check.

Paperwork, that's why we're always

fouled up when a war starts.

Takes us six months to clear up

the paperwork from the last one.

I'll talk to Clark.

This case is straightened out.

- Sorry, sir.

- OK. That's all. Take off.

- May I have that, please?

- Sorry.

Take an ordinary guy, make him an MP,

suddenly he gets to be eight feet tall.

- If they look into the files for my papers.

- Stop worrying. They're OK.

- Goodbye. I got a desk full of work.

- Did the Colonel sign my papers?

Not exactly. He was out of the office

having his tonsils swabbed.

- The duty officer signed them.

- Who was the duty officer?

I was.

Johnny, if they find out you know me,

that's very dangerous.

Everything is dangerous.

I know an old lady back home,

broke her leg stepping into a church pew.

See you, baby.

Johnny! When you come back,

bring me some sugar.

- Yeah, sure.

- And some soap.

And hairpins.

- Anything else?

- A pillow to go with that mattress.

Ah, you gorgeous booby trap.

On your left is the Russian war memorial,

built in honour of their soldiers

killed in the battle of Berlin.

Those tanks on the side

were the first to enter Berlin.

Beyond it, the Reichstag,

the German house of representatives.

That's the building set on fire in 1933

and blamed on a poor Dutchman.

The word got out it was Hitler

who threw the match.

They used to say it's the first time in

history a man gave himself the hotfoot.

The Brandenburg Gate, an arch of triumph

until they got out of the habit.

That rubble heap over there

was the American embassy.

You can't tell now but this spot

was once the heart of Europe.

The street is the famous Unter den Linden,

named after the linden trees,

which they've replanted now.

That pile of stone over there

was the Adlon Hotel,

just after the 8th Air Force

checked in for the weekend.

Now, let's look at the Wilhelmstrae.

Here's the Reich Chancellery where

the Fhrer fixed himself up a duplex.

As it turned out, one part got to be a big

padded cell and the other a mortuary.

Underneath is a concrete basement,

where he married Eva Braun

and where they killed themselves.

A lot of people say it was

the perfect honeymoon.

Over there is the balcony where he bet

his Reich would last a thousand years.

That's the one that broke

the bookies' hearts.

This is the Tiergarten,

used to be the Central Park of Berlin.

Those two big cement things are

the zoo bunkers, enormous pillboxes.

They were the last two buildings

in Berlin to surrender.

I thought you'd be interested

in a typical Berlin residential area.

If you look hard,

you'll see the houses are empty shells,

completely burned out by incendiaries.

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