A Foreign Affair Page #3

Life goes on in those ruins, though.

That used to be

the largest department store in Berlin.

It was 12 storeys high. Later on it became

headquarters for the storm troopers.

They blew it up themselves.

The idea was to destroy all their records.

They overlooked the fact that most

of them were in fireproof vaults.

Excuse me.

Well.

This is one of our youth clubs. We've

got a lot of them in the American zone.

We had quite a problem. Those weren't

ordinary youngsters when we came in.

They were mean old men. Now we're

trying to make kids of them again.

We had to kick the goose step out of them

and cure them of blind obedience

and teach them to beep at the referee.

If they want to steal,

make sure it's second base.

One thing they don't have to worry about

round here, breaking windows.

One family has already

christened a kid DiMaggio Schultz.

That's when I started believing

we'd won the war.

Hey, Frulein! Hey, Frulein!

Hey, Frulein! Hey, Frulein!

No, no, no.

Come on. What's the matter with you two?

Just a little Spazierfahren in the park.

Nein, we don't bicycle. We automobile.

(Both laugh)

Automobile? You got yourselves officers?

- French officers.

OK. So they got an automobile

but we got the candy bar.

Ah, your Fhrer's moustache.

Hey, Doctor, I got a lady on the balcony.

Size 14.

Hey, Frulein! Hey, Frulein!

Hey, Frulein! Stop, Frulein!

- Guten afternoon, Frulein.

- Hello, Frulein.

Das is my friend Brigadier General Mike.

And das is mein Freund,

Lieutenant General Joe.

Jawohl.

You know, you're a nice little strudel.

Hey, hands off. I saw her first.

Frulein, would you like

a little Spamachen,

- Biertrinken and Tanzen making?

- Jawohl.

She must be tetched in the wool.

All she can say is, "Jawohl".

Frulein, Frulein, willst du ein candy bar

Schn, fein Frulein,

you like Gls, nicht wahr?

At home though you won't believe us

The girls could take or leave us

But here we squares is millionaires,

ach, du wunderbar candy bar [Music:]

Don't give her that candy bar yet.

Are you crazy?

- I ain't giving. I'm just showing.

- Say, was ist your name?

- Er, Gretchen.

- Gretchen what?

- Gesundheit. Gretchen Gesundheit.

- Gesundheit!

How do you like that?

We're fraternising with a sneeze.

Gretchen, Gretchen... [Music:]

- I'm sorry. It's five packs now.

- Four packs.

Five packs for champagne,

three for wine, one for beer.

This is eine kleine clip joint.

Here's your tip.

How do you like these prices? We got

to write Congress to boost our PX ration.

Fat chance. All them schmoes think about is

coal strikes, flood control, United Nations.

What's Congress? A bunch of salesmen

with their foot in the right door.

For my dough, you can have

Congress and the Senate.

- I'll take it.

- You got it.

Hey!

What a bunch of cut-ups.

Hey, Gretchen, you live with your mother?

(Speaking German)

What business is it of yours?

Look, what do you want, the whole family?

You pulling a trick like the one

with the Schultz sisters?

Nein, nein, you Soldaten, United States.

Fry the uniformen.

Shh!

- (Piano)

- Black market

Sneak around the corner,

Budapesterstrae

Black market

Peek around the corner

Come, I'll show you things

you cannot get elsewhere

Come, make with the offers

and you'll get your share

Black market

Eggs for statuettes

Smiles for cigarettes

Got some broken-down ideals?

Like wedding rings?

Shh.

Tiptoe

Trade your things

I'll trade you for your candy

Some gorgeous merchandise

My camera, it's a dandy

Six by nine

Just your size

You want my porcelain figure?

A watch? A submarine?

A Rembrandt? Salami?

Black lingerie from Wien?

I sell my goods behind the screen

No ceiling, no feeling

A very smooth routine

You buy these goods

And, boy, these goods are keen

Black market

Laces for the missus,

chewing gum for kisses

Black market

Cuckoo clocks and bangles

Thousand little angles

Come and see my little music box today

Price?

Only six cartons

Want to hear it play?

Black market

Mink and microscope

for liverwurst and soap

Browse around

I've got so many toys

Don't be bashful

Step up, boys

You'll like my first edition

It's yours

That's how I am

A simple definition

You take art

I take Spam

To you for your K ration

Compassion

And maybe an inkling

A twinkling of real sympathy

I'm selling out

Take all I've got

Ambitions, conviction, the works

Why not?

Enjoy these goods

For, boy, these goods... are hot [Music:]

Boy, that's strudel. That's the kind

of pastry makes you drool on your bib.

You know what they say?

She was up there with them big Nazis.

Right in the major league.

She was Goebbels' girl or Gring's.

- How did she get away with it?

- Just look at her.

- She's hooked herself some big brass.

- Who?

All I know is, some big shot's

running interference for her.

Jawohl.

Listen, if anybody's dancing...

Come on, Gesundheit.

- What's the matter?

- Let go of me, you ape.

- What kind of language...

- I said ape and I meant ape.

- Where did you get that cake?

- (Joe) Hey, Mike.

I demand to know where you got that cake.

(Man) What you want?

Where'd this restaurant get food?

Our business, not yours.

I'm making it my business.

I happen to know all about that cake

and I am a Congresswoman

of the United States of America.

- Some strudel you picked.

- Yeah, let's go.

Put back that slice of the cake.

Take out the knife.

I want to know what it is doing here.

- It is being eaten.

- That's enough.

- This cake is confiscated.

- Hello.

- How do you do? So that's where it is.

- What do you know about this?

Very little. It was stolen out of my Jeep.

- It was?

- Stolen and sold on the black market.

They'll steal anything around here.

- When I think of that girl back in Iowa...

- Yeah.

I'll take care of this.

Don't trouble yourself.

Thank you. Will you also take care

of a pair of disgusting soldiers

who should be stood up

against a wall and...

I want you to find them. They're medium height.

One is a little taller.

Their names are Mike and Joe and

they're in uniforms with US on the collar.

Perfect sense, ma'am.

Now, what exactly is

the name of this sewer?

- The Lorelei.

- Address?

- Number 15, Hagenbachstrae.

- Are there other sewers like this?

- Three or four but this is the best.

- What is the name of that woman?

- What woman?

- The singer here.

Oh, the singer. I think it's Erika.

- Erika what?

- Erika von Schltow.

Why do you ask about her?

Because there's something funny going on

here and I'm not in the mood for laughs.

Schltow? How do you spell it?

Schltow, with an umlaut.

I thought so.

I want you to remember

that when we moved into Germany,

we found a country of

open graves and closed hearts.

We've tried to turn it

into a civilised state.

We had to eliminate things

that breed unrest and aggression.

We've tried to make them free men

and give them some dignity.

We had to return four million

displaced persons to their homes.

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