A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Forum

"("? "Comedy Tonight)"

? "Something familiar, something peculiar"

? "Something for everyone.:"

a comedy tonight

? "Something appealing,"

something appalling

? "Something for everyone.:"

a comedy tonight

? "Nothing for kings"

? "Nothing for crowns"

? "Bring on the lovers, liars and clowns"

? "Old situations, new complications"

? "Nothing portentous or polite"

? "Tragedy tomorrow, comedy tonight"

? "Something convulsive,"

something repulsive

? "Something for everyone.:"

a comedy tonight

? "Something aesthetic,"

something frenetic

? "Something for everyone.:"

a comedy tonight

"(chorus)" ? "Nothing of gods, nothing of fate"

? "Weighty affairs will just have to wait"

Our principal characters live...

on this street,

in a less fashionable suburb of Rome,

in these three houses.

First, the house of Erronius,

a befuddled old man,

abroad now in search of his children,

stolen in infancy by pirates.

"(chorus)" ? "Something erratic,"

something dramatic

? "Something for everyone.:"

a comedy tonight

Second, the house of Lycus, a buyer and

seller of the flesh of beautiful women.

Thats for those of you

who have no interest in pirates.

Something for everyone.

? A comedy tonight

And, finally, the house of Senex,

who lives here with his wife and son.

Also in this house dwells Pseudolus,

slave to his son.

Pseudolus is my favourite character

in the piece -

a role of enormous variety and nuance,

and played by an actor of such versatility,

such magnificent range, such...

Let me put it this way - I play the part.

"(chorus)" ? "Something familiar,"

something peculiar

? "Something for everyone.:"

a comedy tonight

? "Something thats gaudy,"

something thats bawdy

? "Something for everybodys taste"

? "Pantaloons and tunics"

? "Courtesans and eunuchs"

? "Funerals and chases"

? "Baritones and basses"

- ? "Panderers"

- ? "Philanderers"

- ? "Cupidity"

- ? "Timidity"

- ? "Mistakes"

- ? "Fakes"

- ? "Rhymes"

- ? "Mimes"

? "Tumblers, grumblers,"

fumblers, bumblers

? "No royal curse, no Trojan Horse"

? "And theres a happy ending of course"

? "Goodness and badness"

? "Man in his madness"

? "This time it all turns out all right"

? "Tragedy tomorrow"

? "Comedy, comedy, comedy, comedy,"

comedy, comedy, comedy, comedy

? "Comedy tonight"

Hup! Hie!

You, boy. Why are we stopping? Hurry up.

My dear and noble neighbours,

my apologies.

Since moving in next door Ive been

remiss in not calling to pay my respects.

However, it is our inaugural week,

and you know what "that" is.

I certainly do not. Move on.

All right, dont stand. Move. Move! Hup.

A common flesh pedlar in

the house next to ours. Disgusting!

Disgraceful. All that revolting flesh,

just next door.

- Make way for the house of Senex.

- "(man)" Senex, wait.

Wait.

Is this not Pseudolus, your slave?

He was parading as a citizen.

Believe me, mistress, I was not parading.

I was walking humbly like a slave.

He invited us to game with him.

He cheated us out of nine minae.

- Nine? I took seven.

- Return nine.

One. Two. Three. Four. Im being cheated

out of the money I won fairly.

- Pseudolus.

- Seven. Eight.

- Wheres five and six?

- Im coming to them. Nine. Five. Six.

Thank you, citizens.

Do not fear, he will be punished.

- Farewell.

- Farewell.

- Now...

- I know, I should be whipped.

Gently. However, my intentions

were of the noblest.

Hearing that you were

visiting your dear mother,

I wanted to purchase a remembrance -

some bath essence, a new spear.

Fifty more lashes for lying.

You were doing what you always do -

seeking money to buy your freedom.

Freedom? Oh, madam,

who would want to be free of you?

Who indeed?

- Hysterium?

- My mistress calls.

Slave-in-chief, drag this man home

and beat him without mercy.

- I shall be brutal.

- Good. Up.

We go to buy a breeder slave. Attend

to him, Hysterium, my slave of slaves.

I live to grovel. I shall lash him to pulp.

I shall wear out eight whips.

Strong men will blanch. My arm will...

"(auctioneer)" Come along. Theyre all

from Gaul and theyre all from Egypt.

You, sir... and you.

Come along now, gents. Theyre all

fresh in today. Dont waste my time.

No? Try Fertilla the Populator.

300 pounds of fertile flesh.

Has produced 18 healthy little slaves,

and is capable of producing 18 more.

You wont regret it.

Oh!

It is time we were gone. Senex?

Hysterium?

Ah, here you are. And there I am. A gift for

my mother on the anniversary of her birth.

104 and not an organ

in working condition.

- Will it please her?

- The craftsmanship is superb.

- And the likeness?

- Frightening.

We go.

Hysterium, here are my husbands final

instructions. Watch over our son Hero.

Keep him cheerful, well fed

and far from the opposite sex.

He must learn sometime.

When that time comes, you shall

teach him - what little you know.

Above all, do not let his eyes stray to that

house next door. I hold you responsible.

- Rather than let you down, I would die.

- That is what I had in mind.

- Furthermore...

- We are on our way.

- We are on our way.

- Come, Senex. Carry my bust with pride.

Yes, dear. A lesson to remember:

never fall in love during a total eclipse.

Thank you, sir.

- Where "is" Hero?

- Hes in his room, studying with his tutor.

The sun and the moon revolve around

the Earth, as do the four planets.

Above all there is a great blue bowl,

which is the sky. There are many stars...

"(woman)" ..capable of much pleasure,

among which the brushing of a flower...

Many stars have been named

by the Egyptian astronomers,

but we have developed our modern

system of astronomy from the Greeks.

Who, as you know,

were very poor scholars.

The Earth is a flat platform of ground

that meets...

Take this message of my love

to she who has captured my heart.

That breeder woman,

has she been thrown a mate yet?

Alas, she refuses just any slave.

She demands to choose.

Choose? Shell breed and like it,

like everyone else. Almost everyone.

We caught your runaway slave. Now he

dare challenge our right to execute him.

Im a family slave. Whats the good

of that if youre executed by strangers?

- He is correct. We shall torture him.

- See how they look after their own?

Hold your tongue.

Thank you, Officer.

Now, what can we devise?

Something suitable and lingering.

- May I suggest...?

- You may not.

- Hang him.

- Hanging is too good for him.

- Much too good.

- By the feet?

That doesnt hurt much.

Hanging by the feet while being lashed.

They hate that.

They should hate that. If I suggest

that we try to find some other method,

it is only because I happen to be

completely impervious to physical pain,

and I cant stand the thought

of spoiling your pleasure.

- I thought you were impervious to pain.

- Not my own.

Ah!

- You like him?

- I like him.

Have him. Congratulations,

your life has been spared.

May it be long, healthy and productive.

Productive as a breeder?

Hang me.

This is your house.

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