A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Forum Page #2

Come, come.

Well, visit at any time, dear neighbour.

No obligation to buy,

just come in and browse.

Senex! Come away

from that house of shame.

I was only just standing here

and saying Shame, shame.

For your own good, Hysterium,

look after Hero.

Shh!

- What brings you up here?

- I was trying to get in...

In there? You must never know

what goes on in that house.

- But I do know.

- You do? Isnt it amazing?

- Pseudolus, Im in love!

- Well, thats very...

In love? You? Who is she?

Sometimes you can see her

in that window.

A common courtesan

in the house of Lycus?

- Is that disgraceful?

- It doesnt sound like an achievement.

I dont care.

I will give anything for her. Anything.

- You really love that girl?

- Oh!

I like the way you said that.

Master Hero, you cannot buy her -

at your age youre not allowed to buy her -

but suppose someone with tremendous

cunning could arrange for her to be yours.

Yes.

If that someone could arrange it,

what would you give me?

I will give you everything I own.

But what do you own? 20 minae,

a collection of seashells - and me.

Yes.

Forget about the minae and the seashells.

Just give me me.

- Give you you?

- My freedom.

Pseudolus, people do not go around

freeing slaves every day.

Be the first, start a fashion.

- Get me that girl.

- And if I do?

- You are free.

- I am what?

- Free.

- Free!

If Ive told you once

Ive told you a hundred times,

do not fan the girls when theyre wet!

But youll never learn.

Youll be a eunuch all your life.

Oh! You b*tch!

(coins jangle)

I know that sound.

And I love it.

Ugh! You.

How did you come into money?

An unexpected legacy.

My uncle Simo, the Carthaginian elephant

breeder, came to an untimely end.

He was crushed to death

on the last day of the mating season.

- This morning I bought my freedom.

- Congratulations... citizen.

With this much left over

for one gross indulgence.

Lycus, I am in the market

for a lifetime companion.

I say in all modesty, I have an assortment

of beauty second to none, and... Who?

My former young master.

Thought Id further his education.

Hes bored with picture books.

You understand?

Who better than l?

Come in, little boy, wont you?

Eunuchs, quickly. A buyer!

(soothing music )

Was I a good year?

Now, for your approval and

possible purchase, from out of the East,

with the face of an idol, the arms of

a willow tree, the pelvis of a camel:

Tintinabula.

(drum roll)

(belly-dance music )

Was this the one?

No.

Dont you have anyone

in there a bit less noisy?

I have.

Vibrata. A desert bloom of

indescribable beauty. Lithe as a tigress.

Wondrous as a flamingo.

For he whose interest is the wildlife.

Thank you.

(Sixties jazzy dance music )

- No.

- Uh!

Frankly, I was hoping to live past

my wedding night. She seems a bit too...

No matter. I understand.

Consider the Gemini: a matched pair.

Look at them -

either one a divinely assembled woman,

together, an infinite number

of mathematical possibilities.

(sweeping romantic music )

"(hoarsely)" No.

Im a man of limited means, and I dont

suppose youd want to break up a set.

I couldnt. You do understand?

Completely. Do go on.

And on, and on, and on, and on, and on.

Enough! I know what you want.

Behold Panacea.

Panacea, whose face holds

a thousand promises,

and a body that stands behind

each promise.

"(? big-band jazz)"

"(very hoarsely)" No.

(whistles)

Dont misunderstand - its the proportions.

I love the breadth, its the length.

She may be the right length, but is

she right for me? You see what I mean?

- Isnt she a bit too short?

- Definitely not.

- Too tall?

- Thats where youre perfect together.

Yes, but how often will we find

ourselves in "this" position?

No need to compromise.

My final offering:

Gymnasia, the silent woman.

A giant stage upon which

a thousand dramas may be played.

You can speak with her?

Whilst a child I had a nurse

from the Isle of Silent Women.

- May I have my foot back?

- "(Pseudolus)" You poor child.

- Pseudolus!

- Yes, darling?

Do you want your freedom?

- More than ever. Ill take her.

- Thats not the one.

But yours isnt here.

Its not nice to walk out without buying...

I want my...

If you must squabble, do it

in a place of less character.

I know your type: shoppers.

Please dont touch the merchandise.

It shows every mark.

Courtesans, back to your quarters.

Ill be back for noonday prayers.

Move. Do you mind? Out!

Please, quickly, out. Both of you, go.

- Quickly, out. Out.

- "(Hero)" There she is!

One moment. Did I not just spy a golden

head with sky-blue eyes on yon balcony?

Oh, that one.

A recent arrival from Crete. A virgin.

- A virgin.

- Is that good?

- "(Lycus)" Only today she was sold.

- Sold?

Then receive, O bosom, thy fatal blade.

Behave yourself.

She was sold?

Yes. To the agents of a Roman captain.

He claims her this very day.

- Today!

- She cost 500 minae.

- Then receive, O bosom, thy...

- Put your bosom away.

- You say she just arrived from Crete?

- Yes.

I hope the captain is kind to her.

She deserves a bit of affection before...

- Tragic, is it not?

- What? Whats tragic?

- The news from Crete.

- What news?

Why should I darken your day?

Farewell, Lycus.

- What is the news?

- What news?

- The news from Crete?

- You force me to tell you.

Crete is being ravaged by a plague.

People are dying by the thousands.

This girl is healthy.

She smiles through the day.

I thought you knew -

when they smile, the end is near.

- No.

- Yes.

Im told it is lovely now in Crete -

everyone lying there, smiling.

Is it... is it contagious?

- You ever see a plague that wasnt?

- What about my other girls?

Youd best get her out of here.

- Yes. But where? How?

- Ill take her before the captain arrives.

Capital! Ill go fetch her.

Why should "you" risk...?

Because Ive already had the plague.

I would tell you all about it, but...

No. Ill go fetch her. Dont go away.

Pseudolus, Im to be with her!

- Until the captain arrives this forenoon.

- Yes.

- Wait.

- Yes?

- A brilliant idea.

- Yes!

Thats what we need, a brilliant idea.

Go, go! Get a move on.

No, dont touch that pillar. Go, go.

Mind your breathing - just inhale. Go, go.

Pseudolus, how kind you are.

I shall not forget this.

Someday I shall repay you,

for you, Pseudolus, are a true friend.

And you, Lycus,

are a gentleman and a procurer.

Psst!

To the garden, and break the news

that youre gonna run away to marry her.

- Wont I catch the plague?

- There is no plague. We made that up.

- Clever of us.

- Wasnt it?

Ill hie myself to the harbour to hire a boat.

Hoe you to the garden.

You hie... and Ill hoe.

Good luck.

- My name is Hero.

- My name is Philia.

- Ive often seen you.

- Ive often seen you, too.

Ive watched you undressing at night.

Only from the waist up. Its a high window.

You have beautiful legs.

What?

Oh.

You do, too.

I imagine, I mean.

I would show them to you,

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