A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Forum Page #3

but theyre sold.

I cost 500 minae.

Is that a lot of money?

- Yes.

- More than 300?

- Nearly twice as much.

- Three and five, they always mix me up.

I hope the captain doesnt

expect me to do adding.

- You cant add?

- "(fly buzzes)"

Were taught charm and grace, and no

more. I cannot add or spell or anything.

I have but one talent.

? Im lovely

? All I am is lovely

? Lovely is the one thing I can do

? Winsome

? What I am is winsome

? Radiant as in some dream come true

? Oh

? Isnt it a shame?

? I can neither sew nor cook

? Nor read nor write my name

? But Im happy

? Merely being lovely

? For its one thing I can give to you

Philia, say my name.

- Just say your name?

- Yes.

Very well, then.

Ive forgotten it.

Its Hero.

Forgive me, Hero.

Ive no memory for names.

You dont need one.

You dont need anything.

? Youre lovely

? Absolutely lovely

? Whod believe the loveliness of you?

(twang)

? Winsome

? Sweet and warm and winsome

? "Radiant as in some dream come true"

? "Now Venus would seem tame"

? "Helen and her thousand ships"

would have to die of shame

"(both)" ? "And Im happy"

- ? "Happy that Im lovely"

- ? "Happy that youre lovely"

"(both)" ? "For theres one thing"

loveliness can do

? Its a gift for me to share

? With you

Psst! Psst!

Master Hero, put that down.

Hysterium, this is Philia.

Never mind who she is, who "is" she?

Where did you find her?

- In the house of Lycus.

- A courtesan? No!

- I am a virgin.

- Of course.

Master Hero, bid farewell to this person

so that she can go about her... business.

- No, no, no. Pseudolus said...

- Pseudolus? I might have known it!

A passage to Thessaly

for two at the first tide.

- In one hour.

- Good. Now, care to play for the boat?

How dare you! Arranging an assignation

between a boy and a you-know-what!

Theres something about that

you-know-what you know not.

- What do I know not?

- That girl is my daughter.

- Your what?

- Youve heard me speak of her.

- Never. That girl is not your daughter.

- My sister?

- I go tell his parents.

- Wait!

He insisted on meeting her, but she was

sold to a captain who claims her today.

What can happen in an hour?

At his age? The mind boggles.

I go tell his parents.

- I go with you.

- You wait till I tell them about you.

No. You wait till I tell them about "you."

Tell them what about me?

I am a pillar of virtue.

It may be of interest that

their pillar of virtue, their slave-in-chief,

has secreted in his cubicle Romes most

extensive collection of erotic pottery.

When did you acquire that large fruit bowl

with the frieze of the...?

Pseudolus...

- Neither of us is perfect.

- If it is only for an hour or so.

Wheres the harm? Especially with the

master and mistress safely out of the way.

Im worried about Hero. Perhaps I should

go back and keep a fatherly eye...

Senex!

- Stop!

- Whoa!

- I saw that.

- I was stung by a bee.

- Oh, my nose!

- We shall have to have it resharpened.

Here?

I suppose I could hasten back to the

stonecutter and join you tomorrow mor...

No. The trip would tire me.

I should be exhausted.

You shall go back, you selfish toad. Now.

But, my love, I dont know how I shall

survive the long lonely night without you.

Youll just have to force yourself.

Ive just been to the harbour.

We must hurry.

- Are you going somewhere?

- No, but you are.

I cannot go.

Why can you not?

While the captain has a contract, I must

go with him. I must honour my contract.

An honest virgin.

What a terrible combination.

Excuse me. Well give her

a little knock on the head and...

No, I will not use force against her.

Venus, why did you bring us together

only to part us?

Be brave, Hero.

For us, there will never be happiness.

Then we must learn to be happy

without it. When will the captain take me?

In due time you will be taken,

but not in the garden.

- Inside.

- How shall I know its him?

He will knock on the door three times.

Go on upstairs and wait.

My mistresss bedroom, the green one.

Go, go. Up, up, up. Go, go, go. Master...

Master, she will go with you, I promise.

Shes gone. Good.

Then Ill get you a nice plump peahen. We

must try to get your appetite back to food.

- Our passport to freedom.

- What is it?

I lifted Hysteriums book of potions. Well

mix a sleeping potion in a beaker of wine.

Well give it to the girl to drink

and tell Lycus she died of the plague.

You hie her to the boat.

I hie me to the hills - free!

- Brilliant!

- Not brilliant, just... Well, yes, brilliant.

I just remembered something frightening.

I cannot read. Find the sleeping potions,

quickly. The ingredients, quickly.

- Eye of an eel.

- That we have.

- Heart of a snail.

- That we have.

- A cup of mare sweat.

- That we have not.

Mare sweat. Where will we find

mare sweat on a day like this?

Quick! You to the north,

I to the south.

- This is exciting.

- Isnt it? Go!

Follow me!

- That way.

- Yes, yes.

The green bedroom?

Knock three times?

(knocks three times)

"(Philia)" The captain.

Take me. Take me.

- I beg your pardon?

- Take me.

Just a moment.

Now, what did you say?

Take me, my body is yours.

Is this not what you want?

- It has crossed my mind.

- But you must know something.

Yes?

Though you may have my body,

you shall never have my heart.

You cant have everything.

A thousand thanks...

whichever one of you did this.

Would you believe it? There was a mare

sweating not two streets from here.

- Looks more like his father every day.

- Pseudolus, hes here.

- No.

- Remember where we stopped.

- Sir, youre back.

- She almost broke it. Who is she?

You may well ask.

Who is she? you ask, as well you may.

- Delightful.

- I await your bidding.

- My bid...

- Ever your servant.

- Ever my servant.

- Thats it. Your servant. Your new maid.

- New maid? She seems very loyal.

- Very courteous, efficient, thoughtful.

Maids like me. Im neat.

I like maids. "Theyre" neat.

"(? Everybody Ought To Have A Maid)"

? Everybody ought to have a maid

? Everybody ought to have a working girl

? Everybody ought to have a lurking girl

? To potter around the house

? Everybody ought to have a maid

? Everybody ought to have a menial

? Consistently congenial

? And quieter than a mouse

? Oh, oh, wouldnt she be delicious

? Tidying up the dishes, neat as a pin?

? Oh, oh, wouldnt she be delightful,

sweeping out?

? Sleeping in

? Everybody ought to have a maid

? Someone who when

fetching you your slipper

? Will be winsome as a whippoorwill

? And graceful as a grouse

? Fluttering up the stairways,

shuttering up the windows

? Cluttering up the bedroom,

buttering up the master

? Puttering all around the house

- A maid?

- A maid.

- A maid?

- A maid.

? Everybody ought to have a maid

? Everybody ought to have a serving girl

? A loyal and unswerving girl

? Whos quieter than a mouse

? Oh, oh, think of her at the dustbin

? Specially when shes just been

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