A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Forum Page #4

traipsing about

? Oh, oh, wouldnt she be delightful,

living in?

? Giving out

? Everybody ought to have a maid

? Someone who you hire

when youre short of help

? To offer you the sort of help

you never get from a spouse

- ? Pattering through the attic

- ? Chattering in the cellar

- ? Clattering in the kitchen

- ? Flattering in the bedroom

? Pottering all around the house

The virgin, how is she?

- A maid.

- A maid.

- A maid.

- A maid?

? Everybody ought to have a maid

? Someone whos efficient and reliable

? Obedient and pliable

and quieter than a mouse

? Oh, oh, wouldnt she be so nimble

? Fiddling with a thimble,

mending a gown?

? Oh, oh, wouldnt she be delightful,

cleaning up?

? Leaning down

? Everybody ought to have a maid

? Someone wholl be

busy as a bumblebee

? And even if you grumble

? Be as graceful as a grouse

- ? Wriggling in the anteroom

- ? Jiggling in the living room

- ? Giggling in the dining room

- ? Wiggling in the other rooms

? Pottering all around the house

The virgin, how is she?

Tell me, I want to know how she...

- ? The house

- How is the virgin?!

? The house

Shes very low. Remember the smile?

Its now nearly a grin.

I pray she lasts. I had a bad experience

with an officer to whom I had sold a virgin.

- What happened?

- She turned out to be a dud.

A dud virgin? How could that happen?

You see, the fellow who sold me the

dud virgin also sold me a dud eunuch.

- Ill keep this one alive as long as I can.

- Youre a saint.

I shall instruct the new maid

in housework. Starting in my room.

But, sir, your son may be

in that very house.

Oh, dear.

- Sir, this house is empty.

- So it is, sir.

Before your friend Erronius went abroad

in search of his children stolen by pirates,

he asked you to look into his house.

Yes. Now might be as good a time as any.

Send the girl in here.

But, sir. Only my deepest devotion to you

allows me to speak so frankly.

You have trudged the road some way, and

I fear that this great physical exertion...

(sniffs)

Great heavens. Is that me?

I smell like an overheated horse.

I must bathe.

At least. Shall I send the girl to you,

say, in one hour?

(sniffs)

At least.

(Erronius) Home at last. After years

of searching for my long lost children,

how good it is to see

this street once more.

These tired old eyes fill with tears

at the sight of the little they see.

Pardon me, young woman.

Im sorry, but I...

Oh, what a lovely baby.

Just about the age of my children when

they were stolen in infancy by pirates.

But at least I have

the comforts of my lonely home.

Sir!

- Who are you?

- Hysterium, sir. Servant to Senex.

? Oh, everybody ought to have...

- What was that?

- I didnt hear anything.

? Oh, oh...

I didnt hear that either.

- It was an eerie sound.

- Eerie sound?

Like the house was haunted.

Sir, what Im about to tell you is eerie.

Your house is haunted.

- Haunted?

- Haunted as the day is long.

Perhaps you should stay with relatives,

distant relatives.

Yes. No. Fetch me a soothsayer.

- A soothsayer?

- He must search my house at once.

(chants garbled invocation)

Sir, youre in need of a soothsayer.

- How did you know?

- Id be a fine soothsayer if I didnt.

- Theres a spirit in my hou...

- Silence!

(strange yell)

Im about to say the sooth.

You... I see it. I see everything.

You... you have been...

abroad for...

20 years. You have been...

searching for...

a child.

No, two childs.

A fine big boy...

and a strange little boy.

No, no. "(garbled invocation)"

A girl! A girl.

A boy and a girl.

- Can you find them for me?

- Certainly I can find them.

Each wear a ring that has engraved

upon it a gaggle of geese.

There are only two more like this in

the world, and my children wear them.

- How many geese in a gaggle?

- At least seven.

Seven?! Before I say the sooth again,

you must run seven times

around the Seven Hills of Rome.

- And the spirit?

- It will be gone after you do my bidding.

- Thanks.

- To the hills!

- To the hills.

- Oh.

- This is the way, sir.

- Thank you, young woman.

Sir, sir! You forgot your gaggle!

You see? Everything is turning out fine.

When the master thinks the virgins a

maid, the virgin thinks shes his mistress,

and the mistress

doesnt know about her son?

See that the master stays in the bath the

next hour, and Ill get the girl out of here.

- How soon?

- When Hero brings more mare sweat.

Mare sweat?!

Theres no need to remind me.

I need some more bath towels at once.

Be patient, my dear.

I shall not keep you panting long.

Come on, you rotten slave, move.

Pick those chains up. Come on!

Ah, thank you, lad.

It is thirsty work.

Thats mine.

Ah!

(bells ring)

- Yes?

- Is this the house of Marcus Lycus?

- Yes.

- Then aside, eunuch.

Inform Lycus we would see him at once.

Yes, possibilities. Carry on.

Was that a customer, dear eunuch?

Welcome, most noble warrior. Wont you

come in? Perhaps some wine. Perhaps...

No, no, no, no, no, no.

We are emissaries from he for whom

a maiden was purchased from you.

A maiden.

Shell be claimed within the hour

by our illustrious captain, Miles Gloriosus.

I know that name.

I dont think I like it.

The mighty Miles bids you know

that he did purchase a maiden from

scum such as yourself some years ago.

This so-called maiden delivered proof

that shed been nothing of the sort.

- Accidents will happen.

- But never again to the great Gloriosus.

Should anything be amiss with your

maiden, hell seize your entire stock.

- Thats fair.

- And then hell burn down your house.

- Reasonable.

- Then hell...

No, no. Inform the captain the maid will be

ready and very willing and very healthy.

Ah!

With just a slight touch of plague.

Excuse me. Have you seen a handsome

youth running after a sweating horse?

Very generous of you, sir.

Excuse me, madam. A cool youth and

a hot mare, have you by any chance...?

Most kind of you, madam.

Sir, might I ask...?

Thank you humbly, sir.

(sniffs)

Master Hero has been here.

Thank you kindly, sir.

Im sorry, I cant stop now. I...

Youve been sold? To whom?

A Syrian shepherd?

Hes collecting you within the hour.

I may never see her again.

Listen.

- In a few...

- "(man shouting)"

- In a few... Listen carefully!

- "(man shouting)"

Aahh!

In one hour the captain arrives.

How can I save my head?

One hour before the Syrian shepherd

arrives. How can I save Gymnasia?

If I could find someone to take my place

for an hour. But who?

If I could but take Lycuss place

for one hour. But how?

"(both)" Excuse me. Not at all.

- Pseudolus.

- Lycus.

Hail, Marcus Lycus.

I was looking for you.

But I was looking for you.

- Isnt that amazing?

- Fantastic.

"(both)" Its about the girls...

Did you say Its about the girls?

- Yes. Did you?

- Yes.

- Amazing.

- Fantastic.

You see, it occurred to me

when you were in my place...

- That I didnt have time...

- ..to decide...

- ..about choosing a wife.

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