A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Forum Page #5

- Precisely. What a marvellous rapport.

- Amazing.

- Fantastic.

And so I was thinking...

- That Id spend more time...

- Alone...

"(both)" ..with the girls.

Lycus, youre making me cry.

One other thing.

You see, my father...

- You have a father?

- Yes.

- Isnt that amazing?

- Fantastic.

Furthermore, hes on his way to my house

and he thinks Im just a tradesman.

Poor fellow. But what if, when he arrives,

we have moved the girls elsewhere?

Yes. But how to find a suitable elsewhere.

- Where else?

- The house of the good Senex.

Why not? Hes out of the way for an hour.

But who will take care of my place? The

shepherd comes to buy the silent woman.

I dont suppose, Pseudolus,

I could impose upon you...

To take your place?

Pretend that Im you for an hour?

Lycus, it would be a privilege.

Oh, now youre making "me" cry.

Oh, one more thing.

The captain who comes for the virgin,

should he arrive while Im gone...

- Mind you, I do not...

- Ill just hand her over.

If shes not alive,

fob him off with another girl.

Im told hes a most kind,

gentle and considerate man.

- Have no fears.

- I wont, dear Pseudolus.

And may I say,

you will never live to regret this.

Gone to see a nose grinder indeed.

Hes cavorting with those courtesans.

- But, Mother, what can I do?

- Do?

Return to Rome immediately, before he

can do what no doubt hes already done.

Go!

Come on, now.

Right. Hey, hey!

Hey!

Come on, come on. "(groans)"

Morning.

Quickly, on your feet. The change

will do you good. Quick, quick. Out.

- Come quickly.

- You there!

- You there!

- Go, go.

- Oh, theres so much of you there.

- Later, later.

Go, go.

Why do you stand here? Come on, we

have no time. Come, come, come, come.

You will be gone before that shepherd

arrives. Can you leave immediately?

No arguing. Go away. Come, come.

Oh, Vibrata, really! Go.

Come, come.

First time around.

What was that?

Ho, there. I am seeking

the house of Marcus Lycus.

Who is it that reeks the louse

of Marcus Leakus?

- Hold, sir!

- Who leaks the louse...?

Youre not holding, sir. Who is he

that seeks the house of Marcus Lycus?

A foot soldier of Captain Miles Gloriosus.

- Smartly done.

- Thank you.

My captain dispatches me to inform you

that hes half a league away,

and bids you honour this.

You know what this is, of course?

Of course I know what this is.

This is... writing.

- This is your contract with the captain.

- A pretty piece of work.

- Thank you.

- What is this word here?

That is Lycus.

- You realise who you are speaking to?

- Yes, sir.

Do you realise what it says there?

I know what it says there.

Words. I intend to stand behind them

or my name is not Marcus Lycus.

Pseudolus!

Or my name is not

Pseudolus Marcus Lycus.

One moment.

I must have a word with my eunuch.

- Oh, please.

- Thank you very much.

Come here, eunuch!

Eunuch? How dare you call me that!

You and I know it isnt true,

so why do we care what they think?

- Why are you calling yourself Lycus?

- You see...

- Why should I spoil your day?

- How can you spoil a total disaster?

- The captain comes for the girl now.

- Thats terrible.

- Why?

- The master also wants her now.

He cant have her!

Just keep him in that house.

- But, Pseudolus...

- Lycus.

- But, Pseudolus...

- Lycus.

- But, Pseudolus...

- Lycus. I still know about that pottery.

But, Lycus...

Goodbye, Lycus. Farewell, Lycus.

Good luck, Lycus.

He is Lycus.

Tell your captain his bride awaits.

Smartly done.

- "(whispers)" Hysterium!

- Sire?

Remember that potion which so fills one

with energy one can perform miracles?

Oh, yes, sire. We still have some left

from your wedding night.

- Bring me a beaker.

- Yes, master.

Good afternoon. Good afternoon.

Good afternoon.

"(? Bring Me My Bride)"

? My bride, my bride,

Ive come to claim my bride

? Come tenderly

to crush her against my side

? Let haste be made,

I cannot be delayed

? There are lands to conquer,

cities to loot, and peoples to degrade

? Look at those arms,

look at that chest - look at them!

? Not to mention the rest -

even I am impressed!

? My bride, my bride,

come, bring to me my bride

? My lust for her no longer can be denied

? Convey the news

I have no time to lose

? There are towns to plunder,

temples to burn, and women to abuse

? Look at that foot,

look at that heel

? Mark the magnificent muscles of steel

? I am my ideal

? I, Miles Gloriosus

? I, slaughterer of thousands

? I, oppressor of the meek

? Subduer of the weak

? Degrader of the Greek

? Destroyer of the Turk

? Must hurry back to work

? I, Miles Gloriosus

? I, paragon of virtues

? I, in war the most admired

? In wit the most inspired

? In love the most desired

? In dress the best displayed

? I am a parade

? Look at those eyes, cunning and keen

? Look at the size of those thighs,

like a mighty machine

? Those are the mightiest thighs

I ever have theen

? I mean...

? My bride, my bride,

inform my lucky bride

? The fabled arms of Miles are open wide

? Make haste, make haste,

I have no time to waste

? There are shrines I should be sacking,

ribs I should be cracking

? Eyes to gouge and booty to divide

? Bring me my bride

(holds high note)

Stand aside, everyone.

I take large steps.

- Hail, Miles Gloriosus!

- You are?

Marcus Lycus.

I am dazzled by your presence.

Everyone is.

Where is my bride?

It is a sad tale I have to tell the captain.

Bad news... Argh!

Did not my aide inform you

that should anything be amiss,

your house would be burnt,

your women seized and your life forfeit?

He didnt. Did he?

- He did.

- He did! And I meant it.

Theres been some mistake.

Here! Here is the man you want.

Tell him who I am.

- Everybody knows who you are, Lycus.

- No.

- Tell him who I am. Tell him!

- Rely on me. He is Marcus Lycus.

Not so! "He" is Lycus.

Sire, if you look within

you will find none but hooded men.

We are a holy order, an ancient

brotherhood of lepers. Unclean, unclean.

Unclean, unclean.

- Well, Lycus, what of this bad news?

- There is no bad news.

I only say that so as not to make

the gods jealous. She is ugly. Ugly!

Ugly! Ugly!

Really, shes beautiful.

- I did not want them envying you.

- What is she like?

A face so fair, a heart so pure.

Sir, if you had been born a woman,

you would have been she.

As magnificent as that?

She will be ready soon. Some food?

That is unnecessary.

I will await her in your house.

- "(wails)" No!

- No?

I meant yes.

It just came out no.

- And who are you?

- My chief eunuch, sir.

Just kick him if he offends you.

Surround the house.

While I am within, let no one else enter.

What was that all about?

Why didnt you give him the girl?

Its time we two trusted each other.

One of us isnt ready.

Why didnt you give him the girl?

She refuses to go with him.

But Master Heros out getting her a potion.

So keep the master in his bath until...

Arrange food, drink, entertainment

and a sit-down orgy for 14.

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