A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Forum Page #6

These sands will run out

in exactly one half-hour.

If my bride is not delivered by then, this

house will be an empty patch of ground.

That rotten Lycus!

That lovely Pseudolus.

Mm!

What a glorious day. Wont you join me in

a beaker? Everyone, a beaker with me. I...

- Crassus!

- Marcus?

I heard you were abroad

in search of pulchritude.

I returned this morn.

With as choice a cargo as youve seen.

- Good man.

- From Crete.

Crete? Do not touch me. Do not breathe

on me. The plague. The plague!

Theres no plague on Crete.

No plague? No one lying around,

smiling themselves to death?

- Its the healthiest isle in the world.

- He lied to me, tricked me.

You, tricked?

Yes. But not for long. I go to the captain

and see that that swine is killed!

- Which swine?

- The lyingest, cheatingest slave in Rome.

Oh, Pseudolus.

Hmm.

Chapter six.

The Sabine campaign,

in which a boy becomes a man.

Laden with the spoils of conquest,

I then set forth for Egypt,

little knowing that here waited for me

that black-fringed temptress

who was to play so great a part in my...

Foot!

Oh, get off, get off, get off!

As you know, at this time all Gaul

was divided into eight parts.

Agh! Back, leper. Bring not your

contagion into the house of Lycus.

House of...? Pseudolus, tell them

who I am. I am no leper. I am Lycus!

Ah, the poor creature.

Just jab him back into his den of ill health.

What?

Oh, Pseudolus, Ill have my revenge.

Ill get in to see the captain yet.

This I swear by the great Necrophites,

god of procurers...

panderers...

and go-betweens.

A new god, but a very hard worker.

I rely on you, Miles said Caesar firmly.

Hold that Tiber.

Yes, thats good.

Hold that... hold that Tiber.

If you see a lad with mare sweat,

send him up to the green bedroom.

Not down there!

When I heard the revellers,

I thought my captain had come.

He has, but hes not ready yet.

Just wait in there. Wait. Wait, wait!

Thats what virgins

are supposed to do best.

- My man has come for me.

- Good. Where is he?

Wait, my little one.

I must wash my hands.

I shall be back in a nonce.

At most, two nonces.

I shall knock on the door three times.

- Whered she go?

- In there.

Knock three times and shes yours.

One, two, three.

Four.

The hourglass!

Sir... May I suggest, sir,

just one more scrub?

No, thats enough. One more scrub

and youll wash away my enthusiasm.

All right, now. I want everybody...

Listen, will you?!

When I say push, push hard.

Push terribly hard. Push!

No entry? I live, eat and sleep

here every day of my life.

Congratulations.

But today its officers only.

Master, the passion potion.

You must drink it while its hot.

If you are the new gardeners,

dont lean on those things, get to work.

Where is it? Where is my passion potion?

"(Domina)" Where is everyone?

Senex? Pseudolus? Hysterium?

Madam!

Where is my husband? On good intuition,

I believe he is fouling the nest.

And he has brought in the legions to help.

Who are all these people?

Madam, the hospitality of your house

is being enjoyed by Miles Gloriosus.

- "The" Gloriosus?

- The "The" himself.

He requested a rest

in your charming residence.

As a generals daughter,

I hoped you would not object.

Object? Pseudolus, you have acted well.

I must greet this captain at once.

Captain Gloriosus, I am shattered that

I was not here to greet you personally.

- You are of this house?

- For many, many years.

My father, you know, Captain,

was General Magnus.

On the last anniversary of his death,

I entertained over 200 officers.

200? By yourself?

Not entirely.

Hysterium here was a great help.

Oh, Hysterium, thoughtful as ever.

My mouth "is" dry after that dusty drive.

Mad... Oh...

After Ive bathed and changed this dusty

robe, I want you to ask the captain to...

Where did you say my husband was?

I, uh... Your hus...

He is... he is...

Well, at the moment he is, uh...

He is, uh... he is...

At least, when I last saw him he was.

I want to know

if my husband is in the house.

No, but he should be here soon. Madam,

might I suggest you take your bath now?

I shall send slaves with a fresh robe.

When he arrives,

keep him busy downstairs.

And tell the captain I shall be awaiting

him in the green room, after my bath.

- What do we do?

- Ill deal with the master.

You keep that hourglass from running out,

and Ill be grateful to you as long as I live.

If I live that long.

Master!

- All right, where is she?

- Who?

- The new maid.

- Oh, the maid? The very new maid?

Knock three times and shes yours.

- Ah! What about my passion potion?

- Start without.

- House of Lycus?

- Yes. What about it?

Acrobats for the orgy.

- That way.

- Thanks.

Back to the peeling.

Sorry, wrong maid.

Quickly, quickly.

We must find another room for you.

- My filly!

- My stallion!

- My wife.

- My husband.

My gods!

Youre late.

The others are waiting for you in there.

- Entertainers that way.

- I must see the captain. Very important.

- Entertainers that way!

- Captain...

Listen. Do you know

what happened to the last underling

who interrupted the captain

in mid-debauch?

- Entertainers this way.

- Yes.

- Where is Hero?

- Calm.

- How is the mistress?

- Calm.

What happened to the master?

Why is the virgin...?

Calm yourself! Calm!

Ill tell you when its time to panic!

- I smell mischief.

- Its time.

Someone has tampered with this.

- Bring me my bride.

- Shell be ready soon.

They are just anointing her with unguents

to make her ankle bangle dangle.

Meanwhile, for your

further entertainment...

Bring on the acrobats!

Ankle bangle dangle(!)

"(Pseudolus)" Watch there,

the Four Tumbling Tuscans.

Psst! Lycus!

That one is very good. He really makes

it look as though he landed on his head.

Would you like to see that man again?

That man again for the captain.

Captain, I have news. The...

Waaaah!

Captain, please. I...

Captain, the virgin is... Captain, a word.

Louder music.

The captain wants louder music.

Im not happy in my work, Captain.

Have you ever seen a jester like this?

The remarks he makes!

- "(Miles)" Hes the best Ive ever seen.

- But his exit.

- Do the flying exit.

- What?!

Waaaah!

(laughter)

- Didnt I tell you youd enjoy this?

- I did, yes.

You are a good fellow.

lts really going to pain me to kill you.

- Kill me?

- Indeed, Lycus.

- If she is not at my feet in two minutes.

- Could you make it five?

- Two.

- Two. Two minutes.

Philia! Phil... Philia!

- You go to the captain now, like it or not.

- But Ive been ready.

But Pseudolus said you refused to. Come.

"(Miles)" Bring me that girl

or youll all perish!

Thats not a happy captain.

- That voice. I know that voice.

- Of course you do. Thats your captain.

Thats not my captain. Thats the brute

who raped my country, Thrace.

He raped Thrace?

- Then he came and did it again and again.

- He raped Thrace thrice?

Im not going with him.

- Will you now go with Hero?

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