A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Forum Page #7

- Oh, yes, yes.

Go back to Heros room and wait there.

- Hell burn our house.

- Fear not. I have a plan.

I dont want to hear it.

- We tell the captain the virgin has died.

- I think I heard that.

- Well need a body. Anybodys body.

- Get one from Gusto the body snatcher.

He owes me a favour.

But he died yesterday.

- What about "his" body?

- Somebody snatched it.

- Who do we know thats dead?

- I wish I was.

Im a disgrace to my family.

My father will turn in his grave.

Your father is alive.

This will kill him.

Just lie down.

Itll be all over in one moment.

- Youre delicious.

- What if he tries to kiss me?

- He wont kiss you.

- How can he help it if Im so delicious?

Come back here.

Just lie still. Lie still.

The captain will see you, shudder,

and go on his way heartbroken.

Itll never work.

Look at me. Just look at me.

I cant take my eyes off you.

? Youre lovely

? Absolutely lovely

? Whod believe the loveliness of you?

- No!

- Get back here and lie down.

? Perfect

? Sweet and warm and winsome

? Radiant as in some dream come true

? Now Venus will seem tame

? Helen and her thousand ships

will have to die of shame

? Youre so lovely

? Frighteningly lovely

? That the world will never seem the same

? Im lovely

? Absolutely lovely

? Whod believe the loveliness of me?

"(whispers)" I would.

? "Perfect"

? "Sweet and warm and winsome"

? "Radiant as in some dream come true"

? Now...

- Shouldnt I have some jewellery?

- Jewellery? Well, I...

- Erroniuss gaggle.

- Ah!

? Im so lovely

"(Pseudolus)" ? "Literally lovely"

"(both)" ? "That the world"

will never seem the same

"(Pseudolus)" ? "Youre so lovely"

? That the world will never seem the same

Now I go get the pallbearers. Wait here.

- Ill never get away with it.

- You will. Its easy.

Just lie still and think dead thoughts.

(hums)

The time is up!

Ransack the house!

Oh, woe. Oh, woe.

Oh, woe.

And Oh, woe again.

(groans)

Ha! For the last time, where is my bride?

For the very last time, here is your bride.

Here on this appalling pall, dead.

Dead, permanently dead.

Dead, dead.

O monstrous fate!

My sweet innocent bride - dead.

Yes. Give her air!

- How did she die?

- She rolled over and...

No, no. How did it happen?

One glimpse of your grandeur from above,

the shock was too much.

Poor child, a virgin till the end.

A lot of good it did you.

- Spare me. I cannot control my tears.

- Go ahead. Its natures release.

Her bridal bower becomes

a burial bier of bitter bereavement.

Very good.

Can you say Titus the tailor told ten

tall tales to Titania the titmouse?

Do not try to cheer me.

I am inconsolable.

- Why torture yourself? Just go.

- Yes.

Yes. Poor girl - to have died so young

without ever having experienced me.

Well...

No. I cannot leave without giving her

the comfort of a proper funeral service.

Do you have time? Isnt there

a war you should be starting?

- Silence!

- Silence!

I insist on conducting a funeral.

Summon mourners.

Mourners. Mourners? Back.

Back, back, back.

- A funeral?

- A rapid requiem, a quick dirge.

- But any coins he puts on my eyes I keep.

- Done.

I certainly have been.

Gather firewood.

She shall be cremated.

(horse whinnies)

Uh... "(sniffs)"

Youre to take that immediately

up to the green bedroom.

- Son!

- Father!

My passion potion.

No! It...

Its not his potion.

Forgive me for ever

mistrusting you, my darling.

But you have been a little distant

these past 29 years.

(thud)

I shall compose a funeral dirge.

Oh, do. A nice short one.

? Gather round, handmaidens of sorrow

? Sound the flute

? Blow the horn

? Pluck the lute

? Forward mourn

(women intone a dirge)

? Ah, ah

? All Crete was at her feet

? All Thrace was in her thrall

? All Sparta loved her sweetness

- ? And Gaul

- ? And Spain

- ? And Greece

- ? And Egypt

? - And Syria

? - And Mesopotamia

- Whats that?

- Its a funeral.

Oh. Somebodys dead, eh?

The captains maiden.

The captains maiden?!

- Shes dead.

- Yeah.

Then I shall kill myself.

Its against Roman law to take

ones own life. The penaltys death.

- Ill fight a gladiator, then.

- You might win.

Yeah.

I shall throw myself to the lions.

"(Miles)" ? Speak the spells

? Chant the chants

Toll the bells!

Fold the arms.

On behalf of the body,

Id like to thank you for a lovely funeral.

I dont know about you,

but Ive suffered enough.

So I suggest you depart,

and I shall take the body and...

- Second dirge.

- Second dirge!

Throw himself to the lions!

Then I too must die.

Todays the day of the human sacrifice

at the temple of the vestal virgins.

I shall go and offer myself to the gods.

- Hey, see that?

- Yes, but look at that!

Whats your hurry?

Would you lower your pike

to your captains plaything?

Captain? Ive had no instructions.

The captain sent for me especially.

Let me by, and... Ill redeem this in ways

that will melt every bolt in your armour.

- Is it real?

- Bite it and see.

And that goes for me, too.

(women intone a dirge)

? Strew the soil

? Strum the lyre

? Spread the oil

? Build the pyre

Pyre? What kind of pyre?

A pyre of fire.

Oh, a fire pyre.

- "(Miles)" She must be burnt.

- Burnt?

- I want her ashes.

- Ashes? Oh!

Captain! Captain.

Captain, I implore you.

It is not for us to destroy such loveliness.

The gods are awaiting her. They would

be angry if we sent up a smoked virgin.

- I cannot afford to offend the gods.

- Who can?

I will go my melancholy way.

Very good, sir.

Goodbye, sir.

Wait.

A farewell kiss.

Of course.

Not you.

You mustnt. It could make you very sick.

She died of an illness contracted in Crete.

- What illness?

- "(whispers)" The plague.

- "(man)" The plague!

- Plague!

(screaming)

Run for your lives!

- Silence!

- Silence! Shh!

- There is no plague.

- What?

I have this day returned from Crete

and there is no plague.

Then what was everyone yelling about?

Find me the captain.

Dont stand there.

You, find me the captain.

Sir, I bring wonderful news.

The virgin does not have the plague.

Silence, woman. I know that.

She died of other causes.

Died? She was a bab... How...?

Poor little moth.

She fluttered too near my flame.

- Too filled with love, dear little heart.

- Heart.

Yes, thats it. I shall cut out her heart

and carry it with me for evermore.

- Shes alive!

- And will stay that way!

- Treachery! Treason! Seize her!

- Ill get her.

Seize everyone! Put the whole

neighbourhood to the sword!

Sir, a question. If I found your maiden,

would you spare my...

A moment.

If the maiden is not found,

I shall destroy not only this house,

but all surrounding houses

and every single person in them!

- And now, your question.

- It was just a silly girlish idea.

Ill find your maiden.

Ah! Now then, my beauty,

redeem your promise.

You wildcat,

youre beautiful when youre angry.

- Ruined! Ruined!

- We have to find Hero and Philia.

Oh, look! Do you see what she said?

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