A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Forum Page #8

What is it? And please dont tell me.

Philias sacrificing herself

and Heros throwing himself to the lions.

Come, Gymnasia.

Hie you to the temple for Philia.

Ill save Hero and meet you there!

The same thing happened 29 years ago.

I might just as well live in a temple.

Ill wager you never

got my nose sharpened.

I would like to know what it is you do

that makes you so tired. I noticed youre...

(lions roaring)

Here. Hey.

I wish to throw myself to the lions.

Where do I go?

- Pompeii?

- I beg your pardon?

No performance here today.

Gladiators are just training.

- Training?

- Training.

Come on, you miserable slave, move!

- Here you are, lot four.

- Straight in.

All right.

Move, you slaves. Move.

Move!

Oh, dear, come along. Keep moving.

Over there. Get in line. In line.

How are you? All right?

Had a good day?

Hero! Master Hero! Wait here.

Hey! Were closed to

members of the public.

That young man that went in,

I must see him.

Youll see him. They should be

bringing him out any minute.

- Now, the secret of the action...

- Hm?

The secret of the action is in the wrist.

You see, its got to flow.

Youre jerking.

No, no. You see, think of it

as an extension of your arm.

You tightened up, didnt you?

Youre worrying about it too much.

Try and just do a couple

without thinking about it, eh? Go on.

Ah!

That even felt better, didnt it?

- Im always better in trainin.

- Yes.

Now, dont worry, dont worry. Just...

No, no. Relax, relax.

You see, he sort of... went...

Very strange. Right.

No. Wrist jerk again.

Oh, much better, yes.

Youve got a natural swing, you know.

(Pseudolus whistles)

Uh, please. Do you mind?

No. Thats a nasty, messy one.

That fellow whistling put you off.

Heres the last one.

Never mind. Lets see if we can put

this one straight into Neros box.

Psst!

Uh, please, please.

(grunts)

Do you mind?

Still jerking the wrist.

Hero, Hero.

Philias alive. Shes at the temple of

virgins. Go, go now. Save her. Go. Go.

Hyargh!

Give it!

Yah, yah. Yah!

Hyargh!

(screams)

Come!

Oh! Miles!

There they are!

And now a moment of silence before

our daughter starts her final voyage.

Psst! Philia!

Huh?

Here, here.

Hero. My Hero.

"(priestess)" No mortal sounds

must interfere.

But I thought he was dead.

I must go to him. I love him.

- Yes. Now.

- "(priestess)" So be it.

Run along, child.

"(priestess)" Bring another victim

to the altar.

Come on!

Master Hero, wait!

Master Hero, wait!

My freedom! You promised!

Look, there they are.

Master Hero, wait!

Your parents. I promised!

Hero, wait! The captain. I promised!

Come on!

The most refreshing climate in the world.

Look out!

Come back!

Take that! And that! And that!

Get away!

Duck!

Whoa!

Help. Help!

Jump. Jump!

Jump. Jump!

Jump!

Hold me close.

It makes me feel so strong.

Personally, Im not quite ready

to make up yet. What?

"(Pseudolus)" You want her, you take her.

"(Hero)" Thats far enough! Look out!

Oh, Hero, help!

Im awfully sorry. Thank you.

"(soldier)" Oh, you breed of Eve!

Darling! Hit me again, darling.

No, no!

- Wait! Stop!

- "(goose honks)"

Whoa!

No, no! Dont whoa!

Right! Now back to Rome for a quick

wedding and some slow executions.

You, slave! You will torn apart

by a team of wild horses, slowly,

to the plaudits of my troops

and the amusement of the children.

But you, my dear, have nothing to fear.

For, though you fled from me,

I have the greatness to forgive.

I, too, can forgive.

No one can part us now.

Show me the swine who did that

and Ill break every bone in his body.

Third time around.

Pardon me, madam.

The gaggle! My precious.

My beautiful.

My sweet.

Why do older men find me so attractive?

The family ring.

My daughter.

- My virgin?

- I am not a virgin.

Those filthy pirates!

And I am not your daughter.

Im an Etruscan dancer.

- You are my virgin.

- My daughter.

- My virgin!

- My...

Ye gods! The eunuch.

- My daughter, a eunuch?

- Soldier, seize that man!

Captain, I can explain.

- This cant be she.

- What?

The leper. Unclean! Unclean!

I am no leper, and no woman.

I, sire, am Marcus Lycus. Hold.

Here. Here is your virgin.

And worth the waiting for.

I dont understand it.

The ring, the gaggle of geese.

What did you say, old man? I have worn

this ring since I was a foundling child.

- My son!

- Father!

Youve grown.

- Are these many geese a gaggle?

- How long have you had that?

Since... I dont know

when Ive had this since.

- My daughter!

- My sister.

- My courtesan.

- My maid.

- My brother-in-law.

- My Gymnasia.

Oh, no. No! That girl I still own.

One moment.

I take it your daughter was freeborn?

- Without a doubt.

- Lycus,

we all know the penalty

for selling a freeborn citizen.

Seize him.

Careful. Im a bleeder.

However, he has not only given me

a marvellous wedding present -

a wife, especially a silent one -

hes also promised me

10,000 minae as a dowry.

Ten...

No.

Such generosity

should not go unrewarded.

- Very well. Spare him.

- "(Senex)" Hero!

Father and Mother, I wish to marry.

Son, if youre as happy as your mother

and I have been... my heart bleeds for you.

? Lovers divided get coincided

? Something for everyone

? A comedy tonight

? Father and mother get one another

? Something for everyone

"(whispers)" ? A tragedy tonight

? I get the twins

? They get the best

I get a family.

I get a rest.

? We get a few girls

? Ill get some new girls

? I get the thing I want to be

Free.

? Free

? Free, free, free, free

? Nothing for kings

? Nothing for crowns

? Something for lovers, liars and clowns

? What is the moral?

Must be a moral

? Here is the moral, wrong or right

? Morals tomorrow

? Comedy, comedy, comedy, comedy,

comedy, comedy, comedy, comedy

? Comedy tonight

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