A Futile and Stupid Gesture Page #10

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- What are you talking about?

- I... I should go.

- Really?

- Yeah.

Doug, you can call me anytime.

Thank you. Yeah, I will.

- I'm gonna take this.

- Hey!

It's all right. I got it.

- Should we call you a cab?

- I'm a cab.

He called himself a cab.

All right, folks.

Get your questions ready

for the cast and crew of Caddyshack.

Okay, yeah.

Okay, I think we're gonna get started.

You've all seen the movie.

It's great, isn't it?

Yeah, it's a funny movie.

Really funny movie.

Oh, it sucked!

Didn't everybody think it was terrible?

Okay, this is... Everyone, this is

the hilarious Doug Kenney, our writer.

Douglas Kenney, everyone.

Okay, he's joking.

I'm not joking.

F*** this f***ing movie.

F*** the gopher.

There was a mechanical gopher.

It's not even a real gopher.

It's a piece of sh*t.

I don't know, I think this guy's

a couple sandwiches short of a picnic.

That's the kind of sh*t

that's in the movie!

Hey.

You guys, come on.

What are you doing up there?

Are you talking about

what a piece of sh*t it is?

- Honey, let's go.

- Is that... No, no, no.

I know I'm saying what a piece of sh*t

it is a bunch, but I'm very proud of it.

This... 'Cause I... It's like my baby.

It's like a sh*t baby

that I laid out there.

And I'm really proud of it.

And I know we all are.

Doug! That's enough.

What are you guys doing here?

- You tell us.

- Doug, you begged us to come.

I did?

Well, I guess

you were right all along, huh?

It's just big f***ing waste of time.

I'm a f***ing piece of sh*t.

Oh!

Okay. Hey. Hey.

Get him the hell out of here, please.

Okay, sorry, everybody.

Yeah, well, just... Let's...

Buddy, why don't we go

get some rest somewhere?

We should work together again, huh?

Blowj*b!

Cocksucker!

Rim licker!

Cum-on-my-face!

Swollen balls!

- Balls-on-my-face!

- Ronald Reagan!

Chevy!

What's today?

Well, it's Russian solstice, so...

Six.

No. It's a two.

Hmm.

I... I...

Dinah Shore is... No.

Oh, I got it. Doug...

It's Thursday.

- That's six days clean.

- Feels good.

It feels great.

I haven't felt this healthy in years.

I feel like myself again.

- You think we should...

- I'll call my guy.

We'll just have the one ball, right?

One ball.

- You're the handsomest man in comedy.

- Second handsomest.

...96, 97, 98, 99, 93, 94, 95, 96...

- Am I bothering you?

- No.

93, 94, 95...

182, 83, 84, 85.

You win.

"Caddyshack never finds

a consistent comic note of its own,

but it plays host

to all sorts of approaches from its stars,

who sometimes hardly seem

to be occupying the same movie."

I just think it's weird the Pope

is weighing in on this at all.

You know?

Oh, that was so rude of me.

I never even offered you any nuts.

So what else did the Pope have to say?

Anything worth note?

Doug?

- Hey! Babe.

- Hi.

- What's up, babe? Hey, hey, hey.

- Hi.

Mmm.

- Oh.

- Hi.

Wait, where's, uh... Chevy?

I thought he left last night.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, last night. Of course. Yeah.

Oh, hey.

God, look at this place.

He forgot to... Chevy forgot to...

I asked him to, like, vacuum and stuff,

and he obviously did not vacuum.

He forgot to do it,

so let me clean up a little.

There. There we go.

And then let's...

You know, let's go, snorkeling. Right?

Oh, it's good to see you.

Once the new house is furnished,

I thought maybe we could throw a party.

Maybe over Labor Day.

- You'll be back home by then.

- Yeah, of course.

I think so.

Doug.

You need to decide.

On the furniture?

Don't make me choose

between Pennsylvania Dutch and Colonial.

- You know I'm torn.

- Doug.

You need to decide

if you're serious about getting better.

You can't just stay here forever.

It's a tropical paradise. I mean,

the coconuts literally grow on trees here.

Stop.

- You don't understand.

- Tell me.

What don't I understand? Tell me.

Well, I'm...

I'm not good at, you know, this.

- What is this?

- This.

You know. This. Relationships.

You know, talking about my feelings.

You want me to come back.

I want to come back.

I can't come back a failure.

In what world are you a failure?

You need to get it together, okay?

Definitely. Yes. Yes.

If you can't have a real conversation

with me, you got to talk to someone.

Yeah, well, who would I talk to?

I don't know. Can you call Henry?

Just call him, okay?

Beautiful day today.

- Yeah.

- You going surfing?

I was thinking about going hiking,

actually.

Sounds nice. Where are you from?

Chagrin Falls, Ohio.

No, I'll pass.

Isn't downhill skiing just a competition

to see who can get to the hospital first?

Excuse me.

Henry's more of a sailor.

He's gonna take my daughter

on his boat for her sixth birthday.

Right, Henry?

It's tempting.

No, he fell.

- I was with him two days before.

- Right.

- That's not the state he was in.

- Well, I think he jumped.

No, he got high, and he went too far

like he always does, and he fell.

He probably fell while he was looking

for a place to jump.

Hi.

Well, he's in heaven now,

sticking his dick

in Eleanor Roosevelt's ear.

He was just so young.

Can't believe he's gone.

How can you eat shrimp

at a time like this?

Yeah.

We gave them our golden boy,

and they sent back his body.

You know, the saddest part

of this whole thing

is that he wasn't holding hands

with Chevy when he went off that cliff.

He was like a son to me. I loved him.

Although, sometimes I wanted...

- to cut the brakes on his car.

- Mm-hmm.

You know, without telling him.

A boxing phenomenon who desperately wants

to work at a brassiere factory.

This is a movie idea?

Yes.

He was one of the nicest guys.

Nice suit.

- You can see me?

- Mm-hmm.

I'm the older you.

If you didn't... you know.

So you're...

Yeah. A narrative device.

- It's a choice. Yeah.

- Mm-hmm.

Wow, look at this.

You were beloved

by so many white people.

If it's any consolation, years from now

people really like Caddyshack.

They're kind of annoying about it,

actually.

Go ahead. Talk to 'em.

Well, now you have a matched set.

He was so loved.

And all these people...

they all loved him.

Every funny person in the world is here,

and no one's laughing.

You know, he's right.

Come on, people. Laugh, God damn it!

Come on! Somebody!

Henry.

Henry...

I'm sorry about everything.

I know you accept my apology.

I mean, you were wrong, too.

We don't have to get into that now.

But this situation absolutely requires

a really futile and stupid gesture.

Do it, Henry.

Oh.

Food fight!

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