A Futile and Stupid Gesture Page #9

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would have had like brains in his head,

but no, it's just all cocaine.

Oh, come on!

Come on.

Okay, you're very clearly upset

that I'm having a party, is that it?

- I'll tell them all to leave.

- No, we're talking right now.

- No, I'm gonna tell them to leave.

- No, we're talking right now!

You need to see someone.

Oh, a shrink?

Oh, if I can tell him

all about how little Dougie

needs to be the center of attention?

No. I just need to write another movie

so I can be the center of attention.

You're going to work right now?

There's a force in the universe

that makes things happen.

What?

"Be the ball, Danny.

Be the ball."

In one model of the universe,

the shortest distance between two points

is a straight line...

in the opposite direction, Danny.

- Unbelievable.

- Thank you very little.

And... cut!

That's 48 takes.

Maybe we should move on?

Couple more.

Chevy, let's go again.

Excuse you.

Harold's never directed.

Doug's never produced.

Rodney's never acted.

What could possibly go wrong?

Sure, it was a comedy about golf,

but Caddyshack was personal.

A chance to get back at all the snobs

and idiots my dad worked for

using some

of America's finest comic actors.

And... action!

Rodney, when I call action,

you need to start the scene.

- Okay, fine.

- All right.

Action!

Hi, is this your first movie, too?

- I told my wife I was gonna be in a movie.

- No pressure, right?

All I had to do was top Animal House

and make the next biggest comedy

of all time.

Oh, farts!

It takes a lot of energy

to make a hit movie.

Thankfully, to keep us going,

we had energy powder.

Taking heavy fire!

You'll never catch me!

- Mayday! Mayday!

- Whoo!

We're taking fire!

Hey, hold on.

Whoa! Ha ha!

Hey, buddy, how are you?

The handsomest man in comedy.

Some call him the king of nostalgia.

He lives his life close to the edge.

He once wrote a novel

and threw it in the trash. Who does that?

Doug Kenney! And here to tell Doug

just how proud he is,

fresh from teaching tennis

at the Chagrin Falls Country Club,

this guy's sharper than a dentist's drill.

Harry Kenney, what do you got to say,

soul brother?

Son, you're a lefty weirdo.

Huge disappointment.

Uh-oh, sounds bad.

You heard it here first.

He did not like his son.

The wrong one died.

Bummer-ski.

Painful, baby, painful.

Oh, is that... Could it be?

Live from New York, it's Henry Beard!

We had a fine run, you and I.

Oh, no. I bet you wish you still had

Beardy around to pick up the slack,

but you drove him out of your life,

just like you drove away Alex

and will most likely drive away Kathryn.

Sensing a pattern.

It's not a pattern.

You need to decide, Doug.

Doug!

Doug! We need to decide, is it clear

he's jerking his dick off here?

Yeah, we could make it higher or lower,

depending on the size of my dong.

We can get rid of these two scenes

and move this down,

but then we need a transition,

which we did not shoot.

We watched your first cut,

all four hours of it.

Hi, Brad. How are you?

You know, I'm a friend of comedy.

You guys know that. Okay?

But you are over budget, over schedule.

This is not how we make movies here.

Brad. Brad, you better come back

with a different attitude

or don't come back at all.

- Excuse me?

- The f*** is that doing here?

That is the star of this movie, okay?

I want more scenes with this little guy.

That's not what we talked about.

I hired a guy from Star Wars

to build this. People are gonna love this.

This isn't a f***ing kid's movie.

I paid for this gopher,

and he's gonna go in my picture.

Oh, "your" picture?

Kenney, this isn't your little magazine.

I'm in charge.

Is that what you told your wife

when you caught her f***ing Peter Falk?

That's just a rumor.

Is his cock all squinty, too? Huh?

Oh, I'm gonna come!

How many of you have seen

National Lampoon's Animal House?

Okay. Well, inside that bungalow

to your right,

some of the creators of Animal House

are working on their next movie.

And I'm sure it's gonna be just as crazy...

Get off my lot!

- Doug!

- You're crazy!

Get off!

- Cool!

- Ah!

Okay.

I threw a few punches,

and the studio sidelined me

from my own movie.

So much for Hollywood glamour.

And from there, things got worse.

I had an experience

that shook me to my very core.

I saw this.

Can you fly this plane and land it?

Surely you can't be serious.

I am serious.

And don't call me Shirley.

Mr. Striker's the only one.

What's the matter?

Nothing. Everything's great.

Surely you're not upset because

someone else made a funny movie.

Don't you get it?

That's the movie

that everyone's gonna love,

not f***ing Caddyshack.

I've been replaced.

What the f*** am I gonna do now?

You're supposed to say,

"Don't call me Shirley."

Um, hi, it's Doug.

I'm gonna be in town for a couple days.

I'd love to see you for,

I don't know, a drink?

Maybe a beverage?

You know? I was right the first time.

Let's make it a drink.

Hey!

Look at you!

You look great. You join a cult?

- I'm actually between cults right now.

- Oh, okay. Okay.

A beer?

Thank you.

You here for the movie?

Uh, yeah.

I have this press thing I got to do.

Oh, I can't wait for everyone to see

the big f***ing gopher extravaganza.

Proud day.

Thank you.

You all right?

I'm fine. I'm fine.

I'm better than the f***ing movie.

- I'm sure it's great.

- Ah.

You wrote the most successful comedy

movie of all time on your first try. So...

Yeah, that was two years ago.

So how about you? You still writing?

Uh...

Yeah.

Mm-hmm.

Little bit. I got a couple book ideas.

How about a movie? Huh?

I mean, we could write one together.

- I don't know, you're the movie guy now.

- Oh, no, no, no.

Why don't you just come out

and stay with me?

And we can, you know,

throw around some ideas.

We're not really LA people.

Of course we are.

What are you talking about?

It's beautiful.

There's the palm trees.

Oh.

You weren't talking about us. Okay.

I meant a lady.

- A woman.

- Oh, my God, no.

- Henry Beard has a girlfriend.

- Yep.

- Henry Beard!

- You would like her.

She knows a lot about atomic energy. So...

- So sexy.

- Mm-hmm.

Yeah, well, why don't you both come stay?

Both of you come out.

Now's not a good time.

We're getting the house renovated,

and her daughter's in day camp.

Her daughter?

You have, like, a family.

You're an adult.

Oh, God. That must be a lot.

It's actually easier

than running a magazine.

Yeah, I guess so.

- I'm so... I'm... I'd pick those up...

- No, don't worry about it. It's all right.

- Don't worry about it.

- What time's your...

What time's your press thing?

- I'm fine, okay?

- I know.

I see what you're, uh...

No, I don't need you

to take care of me, okay?

Now he wants to take care of me. Yeah.

I do care about you, Doug.

Well...

too late.

You know what?

I'm happy that you reached out.

Yeah. Well, maybe I shouldn't have.

I don't know how this feels.

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