A Futile and Stupid Gesture Page #8

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a Canadian filmmaker

who'd produced a stage show for us.

Delta was by far the craziest frat

at Dartmouth.

They use to call us the "Animal House."

That's a good title!

Yeah!

The craziest frat.

Brad Zotti from Universal is on.

- Brad.

- Yeah.

I got you on speakerphone here with Ivan.

- Look, guys.

- Hey, Brad.

Movie treatments are 20 pages long.

This is 114.

Well, this is their first movie, Brad.

- I would never make this.

- I'm surprised to hear you say that.

I mean, you know

the Lampoon brand is hot right now.

A very strong demographic

with the young people.

Okay, look, I couldn't do this unless

it was, like, for under $2 million.

- We can do that.

- Really?

I guarantee it.

- Okay.

- We got a deal.

- Great. Bye.

- Thank you, Brad.

You are not gonna regret this.

Oh, he hung up.

So with the studio's ringing endorsement,

we started shooting in the fall of 1976.

St. Louis, Missouri.

Close enough.

It was a classic tale

of slobs versus snobs.

The Deltas versus the Omegas.

We hired an ensemble

of mostly unknown actors.

There's Tim Matheson

in the orange sweater.

He's about to say the title of this movie.

A futile and stupid gesture be done...

But we also needed a heavy hitter,

a comic superstar that we knew

could deliver the goods.

And that's why we brought in this guy.

"Well, what the hell we supposed to do,

you moron?"

I just memorized my one line.

You cannot shoot a scene

where they leave their dates behind

at a black nightclub!

I'm not having this discussion.

- Okay, Doug.

- Chris.

I can't stand by while someone refuses

to have a discussion.

- Just calm down, Brad.

- This goes too far.

You put this in front of an audience,

we'll have race riots.

- More like laugh riots, am I right?

- Doug, we're handling it.

- Who the f*** is this?

- Doug Kenney, Chagrin Falls, Ohio.

- Hey, nice arm. You play tennis?

- Damn right I play tennis.

- Doug is one of the writers.

- And why is he annoying me?

I ask myself the same thing.

Actually, you wouldn't pay

to have writers on set.

I'm here as an actor. It's a loophole.

Now, as for this nightclub scene,

hey, it's funny and it's honest.

And I say this not only as a writer

of the film, but as a black man.

I'm not risking the studio's reputation

over a college movie!

Period, end of conversation, no.

Doug.

Food fight!

Needless to say, the studio suits

didn't like us, but f*** 'em.

We were making a movie.

Animal House was the culmination

of everything we had written about

in the magazine.

It was about power and class,

the individual versus authority.

Nostalgia for some innocent time

that never really existed.

It was subversive. It celebrated chaos.

It was America in a nutshell.

Also, tits.

It shot to the top

of the box office and stayed there,

becoming the biggest comedy

in movie history.

Toga. Toga. Toga.

How did it feel to make a smash hit movie?

Pretty f***ing great.

There was just one problem.

Where do you go from there?

I went for the full fondue set this time.

Comes with eight forks. It's cast-iron.

Wow, sounds like

it's all really finally happening for you.

Doug. You. You, get over here.

Come here.

I knew it.

I knew we had something special.

- I always knew that you would know that.

- The kids were rioting in the aisles.

- Yeah, at least they weren't race riots.

- Gimme a break.

You thought I was worried about that?

I wasn't worried about that.

In fact, we had a screening

for Richard Pryor. He thought it was fine.

- I mean, that's one cool cat.

- Yeah.

He's a cool, cool cat.

- Hey, what are we doing next?

- Well, you're a tool.

Great title!

Write it up. That's funny.

Oh, it's nothing but a college movie.

They couldn't ask me for a rewrite?

A couple of jokes?

Did I tell you

how much I loved your movie?

Oh, the movie's not important.

What's important is you...

and how much you loved my movie.

Okay, now, listen. I made

a big decision in the last 40 seconds.

I feel very strongly about it.

You are gonna come live with me in LA.

You want to move to Los Angeles?

No, no, no, LA. You know, Louisiana.

They got gator on a stick down there.

- Think about it. A stick!

- There he is! You crazy son of a b*tch.

Listen, Matty. I wanted to tell you first.

I think it's time to move to Hollywood.

We are thinking alike.

I'm gonna open an office in Beverly Hills.

We are gonna hit it.

No. No, I'm leaving National Lampoon...

for good this time.

Whoa. We got a hit movie. Okay?

Now is not the time to leave.

Now's the time to make more.

You'll make other movies.

They just won't involve me.

What about the magazine?

Weight Watchers will be fine without me.

- What about our magazine?

- I know, I'm sorry.

Come on! You need me, Doug!

You need me!

I do! I do! You're wonderful.

All right, what do you say, kid?

Let's make a picture, huh?

Himalayan Zen Buddhists

who can down airplanes with their minds?

You can't tell me

that's not a movie you wouldn't see.

- That's a lot of negatives.

- I don't disagree.

Okay. Well, we could also talk

about the prep school script,

or the treatment from Jules Feiffer,

or the, you know,

Chris's thing about the resort.

I've got some work we should get to first.

Here, let me just move these.

If I must.

Hey, Mom! Hey!

Yeah. No, no, no. Kathryn's out of town.

She's shooting a movie.

Uh... Yeah. Hey, so, listen,

did they finish building the pool?

Does Dad like it? Like, is it big enough?

Like, you know, I made sure

they were gonna do it nice and big.

Has he, like, been out there yet?

Is that...

Oh, no, no, no.

Oh, uh...

Yeah. No, no, no, tomorrow's fine.

No, no, no. I mean... Well... uh...

Mom. Mom. Mom.

Hey, Doug, I got your notes.

Also it kind of feels like

you didn't really read the whole script.

Doug.

Hey.

Hey, you want to see

what $2,000 of cocaine looks like?

No, I really want

to talk about the script.

Wow, that's a lot of cocaine.

Got to spend my money on something.

Gotta go.

Are we really not gonna talk

about the script?

Always go with your worst instincts.

Have you ever seen a person

make their hand disappear?

Mm-hmm.

All right.

Whoa!

Wow, don't choke on that.

Kathryn!

I waited at the airport for two hours.

Oh, sh*t. I thought that was tomorrow.

Oh, that's all right.

You were busy planning this, uh...

A welcome home party?

Exactly!

Here, let me introduce you

to my new friends. This is Missy?

If you want it to be.

It's Missy.

See you later, Missy.

Can you explain to me what is going on?

'Cause I haven't been able

to reach you all week.

What? You know, I'm busy.

I'm Hollywood's It Girl.

- That's hilarious.

- It's... Thank you.

This is a check for a $186,000.

Oh, I was wondering

what happened to that.

That's great.

Good to find 186K, you know?

Put that right there in the check zone.

Right there.

Oh, look at this. Have you seen this?

Super weird. I would've thought

that Dwight D. Eisenhower

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