A Futile and Stupid Gesture Page #7

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- No.

I'll see you outside.

Right behind you.

Excuse me.

Did you play Abigail Adams on PBS?

Oh, I didn't play Abigail Adams.

I became Abigail Adams.

I didn't think there were

any PBS viewers here.

Oh, no, I don't watch. Somebody had just

described it in great detail.

You seem like generally

what they were describing.

- Mm-hmm.

- Like an Abigail Adams type.

Kathryn. I'm the woman you're hitting on.

Doug Kenney, Chagrin Falls, Ohio.

I'm the woman who's hitting on you.

What do you say we get out of here?

Get something to eat, huh?

At three a. m.?

Yeah, you're right.

We should probably just eat here, huh?

Oh, f***.

What's wrong?

Do I have glass in my teeth?

I kind of conquered the publishing thing.

I'm probably gonna release an album

of Gregorian chants next.

I'm gonna make an epic movie,

kind of Gone With The Wind

meets Citizen Kane, but better.

- And longer.

- You're going Hollywood.

Oh, I'm so Hollywood, you don't even know.

I'm gonna change my name

to Charlton Hepburn.

I remembered something.

I don't usually kiss on the first date.

Well, I don't consider this a date.

Then let's go back to my place and screw.

So Kathryn came into my life

just when I needed her,

but nobody can just swoop in

and fix you right away.

I was still struggling

with the same anxieties,

but now with millions of dollars

that frankly...

frankly I had no idea

what I was going to do with them.

You bought your parents this?

Way to establish dominance.

Surprise!

What are you doing here?

Is that a Porsche?

Gorgeous. Just gorgeous.

You know, she was the first member

of her tribe to wear shoes.

What is that?

Well, Dad complained about the lawn.

Told me it was too much to mow.

So...

Get out of here, lawnmowers.

- Here we go. Come on. That's it.

- Really fun, Doug.

Now the mower will be shitting on my lawn.

Yeah. It's called fertilizer, Dad.

They threw that in for free.

You stay here.

So, you work with Doug,

doing the comedy?

Oh... it never feels like work with Doug.

But now I'm about to star

in a new TV show.

How wonderful.

We'll have to watch, won't we?

Mm-hmm.

You must be so proud of him.

All his success at such a young age...

all the while being color-blind.

You call this success?

Publishing a dirty magazine?

Making fun of the president?

- Okay, Harry.

- What is there to be proud of?

I'm gonna get a gimlet.

- Oh, dear.

- Sorry. Got it.

I'm fine. Let me just...

Oh, I got it.

Okay. I see what I did. I see what I did.

Good evening.

Good evening.

Good evening.

They put O'Donoghue on live TV?

O'Donoghue, Belushi.

They got Gilda, Anne, Chevy.

Those f***ers probably hired

our accountants, too.

- I would like...

- I would like...

- ...to feed your fingertips...

- ...to feed your fingertips...

- ...to the wolverines.

- ...to the Wolverines.

Next.

I'm afraid...

Come on, that's funny.

You know, NBC asked Matty

to do a Lampoon TV show.

Really? That's great!

Are you gonna work on it?

They asked him eight months ago.

He said that we were too busy.

Babe, who cares?

This is on in the middle of the night.

I care! All right?

This should've been ours.

It basically is ours.

You could just be flattered,

because it shows how influential you are.

You gonna be okay about this?

Well...

tell me again how influential I am.

You are the most influentialest.

Live from New York, it's Saturday Night!

Turns out Saturday Night Live

was canceled after only three weeks.

Oh, I'm sorry, I meant to say

it was an instant sensation

that is still going four decades later.

Hi, Doug.

So I went to one of their parties

to congratulate my friends

on the success they were having...

without me.

Oh, Doug! Hey!

- Hey.

- Hi.

- How you doing?

- Hey.

Look what the cat dragged in.

Hey, I've been enjoying your little show,

along with the rest of the country.

Yeah. Yeah, it's fun.

It's like The Lampoon used to be.

Is. Like, don't listen to me.

Television, the napalm of culture.

Burns you down to nothing,

but the glow is awful pretty.

Okay, so he's just upset

because Lorne wants us

to write sketches for the Muppets.

I don't write for felt.

Oh, not you too, Brian.

They offered me 30 pieces of silver.

You know how I feel about silver.

They were like ships

leaving a sinking rat.

Doug.

Oh, jeez.

And yeah, Chevy did this

every time I saw him.

Right. There we are.

- Hi, Doug.

- Hey, lover.

You should meet Lorne.

Oh, the comedy boy-wonder, huh?

No. Hey, there can be two boy-wonders.

Boys-wonder.

What do boys wonder? Excuse you.

Lorne, this is Doug Kenney

from The National Lampoon.

Hi, Doug. Pleasure to meet you.

Thanks. I like the show. It's great stuff.

Right. Well, you know, we do what we can.

Doug, uh, you get

the kind of comedy we're doing here.

You and I, you know,

we share a sensibility.

Yeah, and a cast and writers. Yeah.

Spotting talent

is the most important job I have.

- You can understand that.

- Yeah.

I was wondering,

would you be interested in joining us?

You want me to write for you?

That sounds great!

Yeah, I'd get to be your employee?

Well, that's a fairly narrow way

to put that, Doug.

- You think I've flamed out.

- That's not what I'm saying at all.

It sounds like it is.

What I'm saying is I think you could

make this show even better than it is.

Okay, well, I don't need a handout.

Oh, here. You're probably gonna steal it

from me anyway.

Game show sketch, Name Those Bats.

Contestants are in a barn,

bats flying at them,

they have to name the bats.

I wasn't gonna let

some TV show steal my thunder.

I had to set my sights higher.

So Harold and I came up

with the perfect idea

for the first National Lampoon movie.

Laser Orgy Girls.

Huh?

It's about Charles Manson

in the tenth grade, huh?

The man's visited by aliens or a UFO,

whatever you want...

Guys, Manson in high school?

You're right.

We'll put him in college. That's funnier.

No, forget Manson. It's a bad idea.

So what are you saying, Matty?

You don't want a movie

about Charles Manson?

We got one shot for a movie.

Manson in high school is a parody ad

for the magazine.

- If it's a rights issue...

- We need a big idea.

- My uncle's a lawyer.

- A big movie idea.

We could find a way

to get Manson involved.

Harold. I think Matty

might actually have a point here.

- What's the bit we're doing?

- No, this isn't a bit.

Look, what's the most popular thing

in the magazine?

- The tits.

- Yes, the tits.

But also, like, you know,

Night of the Seven Fires.

Pinto's First Lay.

All the Chris Miller stuff.

- The fraternity stories.

- Yeah.

We have a chance to make the great

American college movie here, plus tits.

Matty, get Chris Miller on the line.

One second. I like this.

God damn it. I'm not your secretary!

Together with Chris Miller,

we wrote down

every funny college story,

every crazy character we could think of.

Then we hooked up with Ivan Reitman,

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