A Futile and Stupid Gesture Page #3

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- He lives here.

- We live here.

It's fun, right?

Look, it's not ideal right now,

but hopefully we'll build

the business up over time,

and in five years, Matty has to buy

our share of the magazine, okay?

And then we can each afford

our own apartment.

And don't worry, Henry and I

will wave to you from across the park.

Okay.

Fine.

But can the two of us

at least try to have fun now,

not wait five years to be happy?

Of course. First few months will be

crazy busy, but I'll pencil you in.

Two pencils and a pad of paper.

That's all Matty said we could afford.

Well, then. Please, I insist.

- Oh, thank you.

- You're welcome.

Hey, thank you.

No, thank you.

- No, I think I thanked you first and...

- Well, I think I'm a little more thankful.

- But thank you.

- Okay, well...

Did you do something new

with your hair today?

Can you blame me?

We called her Mary Marshmallow

because of her enormous breasts.

They were like marshmallows.

Hey, what are you up to later?

What! So he's a charming stud,

and I'm a dirty old man? That's ageism!

Hey, man.

Those are the art directors you hired?

They're cool. They know R. Crumb.

So, day one.

- Let's get started, huh?

- Yeah.

Ideas for a magazine.

Fill up a magazine

with words and sentences.

- Humorous. Humorous magazine.

- Preferably funny. Preferably funny.

I'm gonna write down "comedy."

That's good. Let's build on that.

I bet Chris and George have a few ideas.

Maybe we should find some writers

who didn't go to Harvard.

I'm sorry, I don't quite understand.

You mean like a Yalie?

Oh, they were out there.

One of the first guys we brought on board

wrote dirty comic strips

for underground papers

and aspired to be the Antichrist.

I am going to send you

a canister of nerve gas

that will explode upon opening,

you mongoloid twat!

You sent me the wrong records.

You're the Columbia F***ing Record Club!

We had a comedian from England

named Tony Hendra.

Mr. Sullivan would find jokes

about the Tet Offensive.

- Don't you say it.

- Offensive?

Do you know what I find offensive?

Being a traitor to one's generation.

Know what? I am done sucking chuckles

from blue-haired septuagenarians.

Tell Mr. Sullivan he can take

his bloody show and shove it.

Then there was a woman who managed

to crash our little boy's club.

A refugee from the advertising world,

Anne Beatts.

Hey, baby! Why don't you bring

those jugs back around?

She was tough. She had to be

to deal with all our caveman bullshit.

Look at you.

Where'd you get those pecs, butch?

Come on, little juicy buns, huh?

Mmm, mmm, mmm. Come on, spin around.

- Let me see that ass. Show Mama that ass.

- What? No.

Sorry, I was just trying to prove a point.

To show there's no hard feelings,

let me give you a hand job.

Whoa.

Really?

Excuse me? Story idea, Amish in Space.

Hmm?

Secret Letters of the Alphabet.

I'll get the check.

Brian McConnachie.

Straight-up weirdo.

Brian made more sense

once you understood that he came to us

from the planet Mogdar.

We also had Sean Kelly, Rick Meyerowitz.

So many great contributors.

But four is all that really fit our story,

so I'm sorry, guys.

Hmm.

You know, maybe if one of you

had been black, we could've included you.

So there were no funny black writers

in the '70s?

And just one funny woman?

Oh, I'm sure they were out there.

It's just that we didn't think to look.

You know, it was a different time.

- Hmm...

- Hmm...

In our defense, we also had very few Jews.

- Oh.

- Oh.

Okay, everyone. Take a seat. Take a seat.

Gather 'round.

Welcome, everyone,

to the National Lampoon.

I'm still working on that.

Mm-hmm. We have eight weeks

to put out the first issue,

and so far we have...

nothing.

So please remember

that there are no bad ideas.

- Apart from ideas we don't like.

- Yeah, do not pitch those.

- Yeah.

- I had a few thoughts.

Were we all supposed

to bring those?

- Yes.

- I left mine on the bus.

"Hitler's device

for gassing Rube Goldberg."

A Dr. Seuss story concerning

the sexual awakening of a young Toucan.

A Concrete Jungle Book,

a young white baby comes of age

above 125th Street.

That's tempting.

One of those baby books,

but for a war baby in Vietnam.

Baby's First Wound, that kind of thing.

Adorable.

How about this?

The Joys of Wife-Tasting.

This wife has a fruity flavor,

exceptional finish.

This wife had a vinegary bouquet.

Tarzan of the Cows.

Nancy Reagan's Dating Dos and Don'ts.

- You're a Good Man, Charlie Manson.

- Tempting.

"Upon seeing his condition, Ms. Braddock

said, 'Winston, you're drunk.'

Mustering all his dignity,

Churchill cocked an eyebrow and rejoined,

with that famous Churchill wit,

'Shove it up your ass, you ugly c*nt.'"

Yeah, really great, guys.

- Matty, where you going?

- That's history.

- Come on!

- Here's a cover idea.

Nixon with a long wooden nose.

You know, like Pinocchio.

It's really hard-hitting.

Boo!

You know, I hear The Village Voice

has very good benefits.

We talked about bad ideas.

We had a whole conversation...

- So much for the free exchange of ideas.

- No, wait, wait, wait!

What if Nixon is just like the emperor?

But he's got no clothes, so...

What was his name? I've literally

already forgotten who that was.

Hey, hey, despite Tony's horrible idea,

I think this magazine

is gonna hit it out of the park.

- Come on!

- Sh*t.

It's a total failure, we're selling

less than half our print run.

And what is with the goddamn duck?

- I never did get the duck.

- The duck is our mascot.

Do you know what the cigarette companies

are telling me?

"I'm not putting my ad

in this underground piece of sh*t!"

It's ugly!

It makes me physically ill to say this,

but I agree with Matty.

Thank you, Henry.

Okay, who cares if it's ugly?

Comedy doesn't have to be pretty.

It should be raw.

F***ing rock and roll.

Doug, we have to fire the art directors.

What? But they hang out with David Bowie!

I know that might not impress an heir

to Canadian woolen mills...

- Hurtful.

- But their stuff is funny.

No, it looks funny.

Doug, there's a difference.

Matty and I had a meeting

with the art director for Family Health.

Oh, Family Health!

Oh, that's a funny magazine.

Are you kidding me?

Look.

Okay. What am I looking at?

He redesigned their old material.

Straight. Deadpan.

So the art isn't fighting the joke.

This is what your friends

down the hall did.

And this is the new guy.

Nostalgia

I see what you're saying.

It is pretty good.

It's better.

And the duck?

No duck.

Tempting.

I'm glad you finally saw the light.

I can be very persuasive.

If I fire those guys,

they're gonna make me do

so much acid with them.

- Then I'll fire them.

- No, I'll do it.

Hey, guys. I got some bad news.

Stay.

Ladies, let's lift those drinks.

Perfect.

No, the arms should be like slightly bent.

Kenney, Beard!

We are being sued by Disney

for $8 million!

Well, Matty, maybe it wasn't

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