A Futile and Stupid Gesture Page #4

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such a hot idea

to have Minnie Mouse flashing her tits.

This was not my idea.

I distinctly remember you saying,

"Boys, it'll be fine, she has pasties on.

This is completely my idea."

That does sound like Matty.

You having fun yet?

One could say fun is being had.

Okay, Michael, let's do this.

This is for the magazine, right?

Volkswagen! Volkswagen is suing us

for $30 million over your ad.

My ad!

I can't tell you how great it feels

to be valued like this.

The Mormons are protesting!

The feminists hate us!

The Catholics.

What did we do to the Catholics?

Liza Minnelli?

The American Nazi Party!

Wait, this is fan mail.

Such a good boy.

He looks too happy.

I know that look. That dog is in paradise.

Mary, I have to ask you

to step out of the shot.

- You're not gonna hurt him, right?

- No, why would I hurt him?

- What are you doing?

- Don't worry.

- I don't think there's bullets in there.

- Should I fire?

- Step back.

- Patches!

Kent Cigarettes.

Panasonic Speakers.

I sell dirty books.

Okay. Well, have a seat.

I know, I wasn't around.

Sometimes to create something special,

you need to stay in the office

as long as it takes

to get the work done.

Hey.

Yeah.

I have a confession to make.

When we started, I never thought

it would be much more

than the two of us writing jokes.

Now it's turned into...

all this.

But as long as at the center of it,

it's you and me working together...

McSorley's is still open.

You want to grab a drink

and watch sailors hit on runaway teens?

Doug?

Doug.

This one's funnier.

Is there such a thing

as "over the line" to you?

A lot of people think

your material goes too far.

Well, a lot of people voted for Nixon.

And I suppose those people

aren't "your people."

Is that a marijuana cigarette?

No.

Let's talk about this,

the "Sexual Frustration" issue.

There's a picture in here

that we can't even show

of a naked black woman.

You mean this?

We'll have to cut that out.

Oh, because of the size of her bush?

Mr. Kenney, it's a fine line between

being clever and offensive, isn't it?

Look, if I could just say something

in defense of National Lampoon

- for one moment.

- Please.

We come from a tradition of truth-tellers.

Long time ago, there was someone else

society found offensive.

They thought that what he did

was radical, dangerous.

They persecuted him

and eventually killed him.

Of course, I'm referring to Dracula.

This is Doug Kenney, folks,

of National Lampoon.

That's a humor magazine.

Doing very well.

Maybe we can do something about that.

- You play tennis?

- F*** you.

Wow.

Rough evening?

No, Tony and I swapped vices

for the night.

He smoked a joint,

and I drank a bottle of port.

And what was the result

of this highly scientific experiment?

Oh, we attacked a subway cop with a sword.

Where'd we get a sword?

He has a deadline tomorrow.

The cop? Don't worry, I'll fill his pages.

That's funny.

You're already filling six pages.

So? I can do ten. You know?

Oh, O'Donoghue has this great idea!

He thinks that we should do

our own radio show.

Like this 1930s old-timey operation,

you know, with sketches and song parodies.

What do you think?

Tempting.

Tempting good

or tempting I hate everything about it?

We're barely able to put out a magazine.

Then let's barely be able

to do something else.

No, Doug. Radio?

We're literary people.

It'll be fine.

- Don't I always come through?

- No.

Well, someday I will.

Are you worried about your little Dougie?

I'm worried.

Oh, hey, sweetie!

What are you still doing up?

Have you been grading papers?

You're taking on something else.

Well, would you rather

I just stop then, not be successful?

You are successful, Doug.

- Alex...

- Good night.

Oh, okay, just for the record,

you're the one who's walking away!

You made Mary Marshmallow

a managing editor?

Mary's been with us since day one.

She is a secretary

who happens to have enormous breasts.

That's just sexist.

You wrote a piece called "Marshmallows"

about people having sex

with marshmallows.

Coincidence.

You're f***ing her.

That's coincidence, too.

- I'll figure it out. I'm gonna tell Alex.

- No, don't...

That's not my business.

The Lampoon is my business.

And you're my friend.

So...

if you're gonna take on

all this extra stuff,

just remember there's only one of you.

The radio show will be O'Donoghue's thing.

I won't be involved.

We have a lot of fun,

but Ed Sullivan is one

of our great entertainers...

and I had a thought in the cab

on the way to the studio tonight,

what if Ed Sullivan were tortured?

And when I say tortured, I mean,

what if steel needles,

say six-inches long,

were plunged into his eyeballs?

I think it would go something like this.

Oh, my God!

This National Lampoon Radio Hour

contains sexually explicit material

and other adult content

that children should not be exposed to.

We probably should have warned you

of that at the top of the show.

Okay, so I was involved.

We built our own studio

on Madison Avenue

and hired some talented performers

who would work for bus fare.

Could I have Flexie the Pocket Monkey?

No, you may not have

Flexie the Pocket Monkey.

I'd like a sandwich with mayo

and red lettuce on rye,

with a little bacon and egg,

like a dream,

with a lot of ketchup and mustard.

Guys, I think Coach is talking

about the Big Man.

The league commissioner.

No, what I mean is you've got leukoplakia.

You start off with cute jokes

and you end up with atheistic trash,

like this December issue

of The National Lampoon!

Yeah, so these actors don't look

exactly like the real people.

But come on, do you think I looked

like Will Forte when I was 27?

You think Will Forte is 27?

Here's some other things

we changed from real life

for pacing, dramatic impact,

or just 'cause we felt like it.

Hey, here, I'm coming in right here.

Wait. Wait, uh, Gilda. So do that again.

Start the band up, make them go,

and then all you guys

stop her immediately.

Okay.

- No! Stop!

- It's not right.

Between the magazine and the radio show,

I barely had time for my other hobbies,

like being a terrible husband.

"Doug Kenney is

the handsomest man in comedy"?

Their words, not mine.

Actually, it's a direct quote from you.

Hmm, I'm sure they fact-checked it.

"The staff considers Henry

to be the dad of the magazine,

while Doug is like the mom

who keeps hitting the cooking sherry."

Oh, Sherry does more than cook,

and I would never hit her.

Do you only talk in one-liners?

I also know some dirty limericks.

I thought you were with Mary.

I'm with a lot of people.

Goodbye, Doug.

Hey, Doug.

Uh... I left a sketch to punch up, but...

Don't worry about it. I know you have

a lot on your mind right now.

Thank you, but it's okay. It's okay.

- Are you sure?

- Yeah, I'm fine.

I mean, with Alex.

If you want to talk about it,

I am a licensed chiropractor.

In Honduras. Parts of Honduras.

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