A Glimpse Inside the Mind of Charles Swan III

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Not sleeping well?

No.

Hard time dealing with reality?

Always.

Feel the world is against you?

That nobody understands you?

Uh-huh.

Spending a good part

of your time daydreaming?

Rescue fantasies and the like?

Hmm?

Like you save the day or

save a girl from some threat or villain...

which you can easily overcome.

Frequently.

Say, a few times a day?

That's about right, doc.

Very good. Let's take a look inside.

Can you take your hat off, please,

and turn sideways?

Okay, it looks like about 70 percent

of your brain, this whole region here...

is concerned

pretty much exclusively with sex.

You're using about 20 percent

of what remains...

on your desire for power and money.

This small section here

is used to deal with bodily functions...

and also manage your affairs.

Affairs?

Like balancing your checkbook,

mortgage, et cetera.

Right, right. I get it.

Wait. I'm looking closer.

I'm seeing an additional area.

An active one, and this is usually

the area devoted to close relationships.

I'm noticing an older woman. Very old.

My grandma.

Right. And a young man.

That's Kirby, my best pal.

Hey, batter, batter, batter.

And a young woman?

Charles.

- My sister.

- I see.

And what is all this?

What are all these shoes?

I was trying to block that out.

Well, who do they belong to?

Ivana.

Why are the shoes all over the floor?

She threw them there.

Well, I understand, but why?

Because, uh...

she was leaving me.

I'm still in love with her.

I can't do this anymore!

I can't believe this is how you treat me!

You know that's the drawer

where I keep all my pictures.

That's the drawer

where we keep pictures of us.

I don't want to be in the same

f***ing drawer as them.

I'm sorry, Ivana.

Can you just believe that I love...?

Oh, f***. Typical sh*t.

F***.

Mother of Christ.

F***.

Come on.

F***.

I can not love as I have

loved and yet I know not why.

Is the one great woe of life

to feel all feeling die?

He would have loved this.

Charlie?

You were great, Penny.

Smart with a cute accent.

You're all pants and no trousers.

I loved it when you said that.

- And me?

- You were a pain in the ass.

But it was worth it.

Magnificent.

- Naughty boy.

You deserve

to have your heart broken by her.

Is that so?

How did it look?

Great man, just great.

I didn't know you could dance like that.

- Was Ivana here? Did she see?

- She's here. She was very impressed.

Was she sad?

- Devastated. Definitely.

- Good.

- He's just trying to get my attention.

- Ignore him.

He's a total a**hole. This whole dying

fantasy thing is ridiculous.

He used to be so sweet. And charming.

Go ahead and unplug it.

I don't want to live.

I don't think I have the ability

to fall in love again.

To tell all my old stories.

And spend the time caring.

I guess I'm just gonna end up alone.

You gotta let your uncle rest, honey.

What did the doctor say

about my experience?

He said death fantasies

were pretty normal.

- This was not a fantasy.

- Take these pills.

It'll bring your blood pressure down.

Ivana didn't call, did she? Forget it.

I keep going over it and over it.

- My brain is so tired.

- Look. This came from work.

- Maybe that will get you out of your funk.

- I can't deal with this right now.

I do hope you're gonna do the cover

to my novel when you're feeling better.

- Of course I will.

- But I don't want any bosomed women.

No? Why not? What's it about?

- It's about my life, you idiot.

- Am I in it?

Maybe.

Tell me. Be honest.

You didn't like her, did you?

There are many things I liked about her.

She had a big personality, a charisma.

- She was a b*tch.

- She was not good for you.

- But it was worth it.

- Really?

You don't think so? Yeah, you're right.

But how could I resist her?

Why? Because she was young

and she had perfect tits?

That is a sign of health. it has been

scientifically proven that...

- You're working yourself up.

- I didn't make this stuff up.

- Maybe you want what you can't have.

- And you want what you have?

I don't have to be here.

I have crud I'm trying to deal with.

You're right, you're right.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

The doctor said you need to relax.

Until we get these tests we don't really

know what we're dealing with.

My chest hurts, it's hard to breathe,

my left arm tingles.

Isn't that all a bad sign?

You're fine. They're gonna patch you up.

You could take a break. Go to Mexico.

Oh, f*** Mexico. The beds are hard. The

toilet paper's hard. It's such a hassle.

Guess what. My dentist tells me

I'm getting a periodontal...

- This is a classic mid-life crisis.

- Oh, come on, not from you.

I'm gonna give you

the number of my therapist.

Hey, I don't need some guy in wingtips

to tell me that I'm suffering.

Ah, she hates me.

She doesn't hate you. She probably

just doesn't have time for your bullshit.

And what is the matter

with my bullshit?

And the winner is...

Charles Swan lll.

Mr. Swan won this evening

in the category of Best Kisser.

He was a nominee...

I'd like to thank the Academy of Sexy

Women for honoring me with this award.

I'm deeply moved to be recognized

by this extraordinary group of women.

You know, sometimes when I'd be

laying out a line of bullshit...

I didn't think anybody

was paying much attention.

It should've been

the Biggest A**hole award.

You're telling me.

This recognition.

It's personally very gratifying.

I don't know what else to say

except thank you.

Thank you, Charlie!

- Hey. Am I glad to see you.

- Hey, you look great.

I thought you were gonna be pale white

with drool and a paralyzed claw hand.

Talking out of the side of your mouth.

- I didn't think you were gonna make it.

- Oh, thanks.

I'm double-parked

in an ambulance zone.

It shouldn't be a problem.

It is really good to see you.

Thanks for coming by.

- Can I ask you something?

- Of course, man. Anything.

Do I have tits?

Do you have tits? What are you

talking about? Of course not.

She said I was getting tits.

Are you being honest?

- Heh.

- I gotta get in shape, man.

I'm so busted up.

Oh, zing.

Rewind. Did you guys break up?

What did you do?

She didn't want to be in

the drawer with the other girls.

Well, obviously. I totally agree with that.

I have no idea

what we're talking about.

She found some old stupid snapshots.

Of your ex-girlfriends?

Oh, my God, man, that's beginner stuff.

That's a dumb mistake.

Here's what we tell her. The photos...

She refuses to talk to me.

I'm so mad. I just hate her.

And then all of a sudden I'll remember

something that makes me love her again.

You know, an image will flash

into my mind. Like Halloween.

Right.

I remember I was Carmen Miranda

She was an Indian.

Tell me everything. Favorite food. Color.

Where you grew up. First car.

Pizza. Um, blue. Kansas City.

- More.

- More?

In high school

I went to the state finals.

The only I was good at was running

and then I started smoking pot.

- Heh, that's great. That's perfect.

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