A Good Man Is Hard to Find

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Just pick something

and close the door.

Guys, guys!

Look what happened.

I have peach fuzz on my face.

Peach fuzz! See?

Congratulations, Ubuntu.

This is your first step

into manhood.

The other steps

are a lot more fun

and usually

involve strippers.

You are becoming a man.

In your native Africa,

there would be a wonderful

culturally relative

scarification

or body mutilation ritual.

But we're stuck

here in America,

so a first shave

is a perfect way

to commemorate

your transition.

Shave me, daddy!

I'd better handle

this one.

If he needs help shaving

his legs, he'll come to you.

We've got

a problem out here.

People were honking at me,

but I figured they just agreed

with our bumper stickers.

I'll call

the tow company.

What kind of man doesn't know

how to change a tire?

Dad, changing a tire

doesn't make you a man.

Now, changing the world...

Yeah, yeah. Bottom line is,

your boy is becoming a man,

- and I'm the one who needs to show him

the way. - Ubuntu's becoming a man?

What exactly did you see?

Peach fuzz. Feel it!

- You sure you weren't kissing bunnies

at the pet store again? - It's for real.

Good thing grandpa Charlie's

here to teach him the ropes.

I don't want my dad teaching

our son about manhood.

Shaving is the trojan horse

he's going to use

to sneak in

and corrupt Ubuntu.

Remember when dad

took care of Che?

Get it while it's bloody!

What?

It took nearly

a week of soy enemas

for Che to come

back to his senses.

And now he's more committed

to a vegan lifestyle than ever.

Done.

Thanks for fixing

the tire, Trish.

It's so good to have

a friend in the biz.

Oh, hi, mo!

Are you working here now, too?

No, I'm more of a fan.

I just love the smell.

Hey, Ma!

- What?

- No, Ma, not Mom.

- What?

- Got any money?

I need to hit the drugstore

for some peroxide.

My girlfriend says my

tongue ring's infected again.

Oh, God!

Get away from me, Kevin!

Pig.

Get a room, you two.

It's like they never broke up.

They grow up so fast.

That's why, well...

We haven't told

anyone else this, but...

We're gonna have

another baby!

I had a feeling

when I saw you,

but I didn't want

to say anything

in case you weren't pregnant.

- That would be so embarrass.

- I'm not pregnant.

I was talking about Trish.

I'm not either.

See, Gerald?

We're still trying

to get up the courage

to ask a sperm donor.

It's kind of an awkward

subject to broach.

What about

Kevin's biological father?

Kevin was an accident.

- How is that possible...

- You guys are great parents.

I'm sure you'll have

no trouble finding a donor.

We'd like it to be

someone we feel close to.

I am so happy!

Now, do you accept

competitors' coupons,

and do you consider

a dry cleaner a competitor?

So, Gerald,

what do you think about

Mo and Trish's proposition?

Great, just great.

You know, I always say,

more gay couples

should have children.

Yeah. If I were Kevin's moms,

I'd want a do-over, too.

I'm so proud of you,

Gerald Goode.

Well, thank you, but...

Oh, my God!

Mo and Trish want my sperm!

I'm so excited!

Giving a baby

to a gay couple

is one of the greatest things

any human being can do.

Margo's gonna crap herself

when I tell her.

Oh, God!

This is a nightmare!

My ex-boyfriend is going

to be my half brother?

Are you trying

to screw me up?

We haven't really

decided yet.

Are you kidding?

This is the kind of thing

you guys live for.

Look at Mom right now!

I'd better find a way

to deal with Kevin.

Let's keep this

between us.

Mo and Trish might not want

the whole neighborhood to know.

What do Mo and Trish not want

the whole neighborhood to know?

Gerald is donating sperm

to our lesbian friends

- so they could have a baby.

- Please, Helen!

I know a place that gives you

70 bucks a visit.

Paid for my truck and the

boat that's hitched to it.

- That's a lot of visits.

- 70 dollars?

Did I hear you say you're

giving Mo and Trish a baby?

- We're not sure...

- Yes!

If you give it to them, Gerald,

you can't take it back,

like the watering can.

Hey, if you guys

are just giving out babies,

I'll take one. A child

will solve all my problems.

Go, go! Ubuntu needs

a new pair of clogs!

I win!

- Grampa, call our bookie!

- I'm on it.

Mom, dad, grampa's teaching me

how to invest in horses.

Gambling on animals?

Real men will gamble

on anything.

Charlie, I never gamble.

My point exactly.

A real man grabs life

by the jabordnicks.

He starts the day on the floor

of the drunk tank

and ends it on a bed

in a bordello.

He gets a hernia,

and he doesn't get it treated

- until his stomach drops

out of his thigh. - Cool.

A real man gives lesbians his

seed to father a child for them,

- like Gerald is doing for

Mo and Trish. - Helen!

That's so awesome!

No, it isn't!

Strippers are awesome!

I'm gonna have

a little half brother!

I need to make him a card.

Are you sure that being

a donor for Mo and Trish

is the right thing to do?

Gerald, this is the perfect

way to show Ubuntu

that real manhood

is not about selfishness

but about selflessness.

You'll get absolutely

no pleasure,

but potential

responsibilities.

Talk about leading

by example, huh?

- Well, that does sound right.

- Helen! This should interest you.

The Greenville Art council

just tapped me to curate

this year's irreverent

and courageous...

Gerald is giving his sperm

to our lesbian friends

so they can have a baby!

Damn it, Kent!

I can't do everything!

Kevin, we need to talk.

I just wanted to say

some things have changed,

and I think we should try

to be, like, friends,

You know, in case we ever

become related or something.

- So you want to marry me?

- No!

How about you get

the hell out of here

before I bust you up?

Fight! Fight! Fight!

Fight! Kiss!

Fight! Fight! Fight!

Look!

Nitro-burning funny cars!

Hey, guys!

Mo, put on some pants.

Gerald and Helen are here,

and they brought booze!

Mo, Trish,

we have good news.

Helen and I have

discussed it, and, well,

our answer is... Yes!

Yes to what?

To what?

Well, to giving you a baby.

Gerald, no offense,

but we may not want

to have a girl.

No, we're looking for

a man's man. No offense.

Well, I appreciate that

you keep saying "no offense",

but it might be easier if you

just stopped insulting me.

I'm confused.

You said it was awkward to ask.

And gettin' more

awkward by the minute.

Not a man's man?

I get hit on by men

all the time.

They're talking nonsense,

Gerald. They're lesbians.

Their view of masculinity

is skewed.

The important thing is

that Ubuntu can't find out,

or we'll lose him

to Charlie forever.

Find out what?

Nothing.

Mo and Trish don't think

I'm manly enough

to give them a baby.

Isn't that crazy?

- Isn't it?

- I don't know, Gerald.

You do wear women's jeans.

Well, I have a wide pelvis.

Gerald, you carry

pepper spray in your bag.

So no one thinks I'm manly?

Penny?

Well, you always treat me

with respect and equality...

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