A Good Man Is Hard to Find Page #2

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You know, like a sissy.

Hi, mom! Hi, dad!

Were Mo and Trish super happy

about having your baby?

Well, Ubuntu,

let's just say...

Yes! They were

downright giddy.

So, Ubuntu,

ready to get shaving?

Because your father

is ready to teach you.

- Yes. Let's go!

- He can't shave yet!

He has to wait till the beard

and mustache connect.

Every guy knows that.

Women are like underwear.

You should change them

every three days.

Gerald, this is terrible.

We can't let this happen.

Can you imagine

if that old buzzard

gets his talons

into our Ubuntu?

Sell! Buy! Sell! Buy!

Sell, buy, sell, buy!

Oh, God!

What do we do?

There's only one thing

that's gonna trump Charlie,

and we know what that is.

You have to father

Mo and Trish's baby.

- But they don't want to

have my baby. - Oh, they will.

I feel silly, Helen.

Listen, Gerald, your job

is to stay silent and nod.

And put this

down your pants.

Helen, size doesn't matter.

You explained that to me

on our fourth date.

I know that, and you know that,

but lesbians don't know that.

Now do it! For Ubuntu.

Hey, Helen!

Gerald, is that you?

Is everything okay

with the tires?

The tires are fine.

But after we got home

last night,

Gerald and I kind of

ruined the shocks,

if you know what I mean.

We had car sex.

That's his mating call.

Not now, big guy.

He's probably gonna see

if the vending machine

has beer or tools.

Men and their tools...

Is that a squash?

Yo, Ubuntu, I think

your sister's still into me.

Really? You should date her.

She's a wonderful person.

Yeah, but I'm still

chilling with Amber.

She buys me stuff.

My grampa says a real man can

have as many girls as he wants.

God put them on Earth

to make men happy.

I do deserve to be happy.

See you, daddy!

Grampa's taking me

to the newsstand.

So I can decide what

my gentlemen's magazine

of choice is going to be.

I like "Dwell", but...

We're talking about

nudie magazines, Gerald.

Bye, dad.

I used to get

"Chocolate Nurse" magazine,

but they heavily edited

my letters,

so I canceled

my subscription.

I feel so lost, Helen.

I know Charlie

isn't the answer

to showing Ubuntu

how to be a man,

but now I'm not sure

I am, either.

I'm gonna

go draw a bath.

Stop right there, Gerald!

You are a man.

You've just lost

your confidence.

But I know how

you're gonna get it back.

A drum circle?

At the learning annex!

"Reawaken your manhood

with the ancient native american

art of drum circling."

They teach you how to summon

the mighty eagle inside of you.

You're always saying

how you want to do that.

Oh, that does sound good.

Is this everybody?

This is it. You ready

to unleash your inner man?

Okay, let's go back in time,

when men sat in circles

and told tales of the hunt.

And if you need to go

to the bathroom,

you don't need

to raise your hand.

Oh, easy, friend.

You want to leave yourself

somewhere to go.

Wow, I'm really digging this.

It's so raw, so tribal.

- Who are we?

- We are men!

Yes. Yes, I am a man!

Good news, Bliss.

- We're back on. - What?

I'm not interested in you.

But are you interested in

taking a shower with me?

You're not listening

to me, Kevin.

I hate you.

There's a fine line

between love and hate.

No, there's not.

You are so vile.

And now we kiss.

Bliss? Bliss!

Hey, Amber!

I guess we'll just keep it

you and me for now.

It was amazing, Helen.

I felt so alive

in that circle.

You seem different.

You even smell different.

I'd say musky.

Gerald, Ubuntu needs to see you

drum in all your primal glory.

Charlie can never

compete with that.

You're right.

Gambling and pornography

have nothing on the ancient

rhythms of the forest.

Nice face paint, Chad.

Hey, did you finally tell your

boss how you feel, Timothy?

You will.

Hey, Franklin, we have to

hit the skins hard today.

My son's coming straight from

football practice to watch us.

Damn. And my carpal

tunnel acting up.

Drum it away, Franklin.

Drum it away.

Okay, men, let's hit it!

Step it up, boys.

Drum like thunder!

Now we're hittin' it.

Ladies!

We're in the spreadsheet

class next door,

and we can't hear

ourselves think.

So bring down the tippy-tappy

to a pitter-patter. You got it?

Sorry!

It won't happen again.

Wait.

We're in a drum circle class.

We shouldn't

have to keep it down.

Oh, yeah? I say you do.

So I'm gonna adjust

your volume control.

He done knocked

a hole in your drum.

What do you say? Your inner man

want to do something about it?

Huh? Does it?

No.

No, I'm sorry.

We'll keep it down.

Thought so.

Oh, God! You guys are gonna

"eyes wide shut" me, aren't you?

Dad! I'm connected.

I'm ready to shave.

Teach me. Teach me!

Go with your grandfather.

He can teach you

what you need to know.

So how did it go?

Did Ubuntu like it?

I'm sure he was...

What happened?

Some spreadsheet bullies

broke my drum,

and I didn't

do anything about it.

Well, restraint and pacifism

- are manly attributes...

- Don't, Helen!

Now, in a few years,

you'll need to learn

how to shave drunk.

Mo? Trish? What are

you guys doing here?

Sorry, Gerald. Kevin climbed up

your tree and won't come down.

And I'm not coming down

until Bliss takes me back!

Or Amber.

We've never seen him like this.

We don't know what to do.

We can't burn him out.

Can we?

Ubuntu!

You said I could have

as many girls as I wanted.

- Now I have none!

- You said that?

That's what grampa told me.

Right, grampa?

Damn straight.

Now, I may not know

everything about women,

but I do know that

that is dead wrong.

You should always treat women

with respect and as individuals.

Now come on down.

I'm not coming down!

My heart is broke

over Bliss... Or Amber.

Kevin, I know you think you're

angry, but you really aren't.

What you're feeling

is sad and rejected.

But those are scarier

feelings to let out,

aren't they?

Yes.

It's okay, Kevin.

I always tell Ubuntu that

it takes real courage to cry,

- especially for a man.

- Oh, God!

Go ahead. Let it out.

I want to come down.

I don't want to be alone.

I want to be with Bliss...

Or Amber.

Kevin, if you learn how to

make a girl feel special,

you will never need to

worry about being alone.

But you really do need to

decide between Amber or Bliss.

What? No.

I strongly suggest Amber.

Amber!

Wow, Gerald,

that was... Impressive.

Manly, even?

In a weird way, yes.

You know, we realize we have

our hands full with Kevin,

and we'll probably be

raising a baby of his anyway,

so we're not gonna have

another of our own.

But if we did,

you'd be the type of man

we'd want to be the donor.

- Really? - Would you two

mind telling Margo that?

Come on, Ubuntu,

let's leave these crybabies.

It's time to shave.

No, Charlie!

Ubuntu is my son.

I'll shave him.

Now, the first step

when shaving is to exfoliate.

Exfoliate. Got it.

With what?

Well, chamomile

is not just for tea, son.

Let's turn it up a notch!

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